Looking at her this far is the best thing I can do for her, how rare to see her smiling without sadness in her eyes, the beautiful eyes shines so bright today, the lips I rarely see to form a smile and the voice that I longing to hear. How lucky of them na makita at marinig sa malapitan ang kanyang tawa, how I wish I’m one of them witnessing the genuine happiness she have right now. Nakakaingit at nakakalungkot at the same time, how come I can’t make her happy with my sincerity and efforts? Nakakatanga diba? I can’t make happy the person I love whole heartedly. Kahit kinakaawaan na ako ng mga kaibigan ko wala akong pakialam, I won’t stop pursuing her hangga’t buhay pa ako. I’d rather keep the pain myself and see her happy with someone else as long as sakin parin siya umuuwi. Some of them said I was stupid, well ano bang magagawa ko? Nagmamahal lang naman ako. Hindi ko pwedeng diktahan kung sino ang pipiliin ng puso ko, pero kung pwede lang sana hindi ako nagkakaganito. If I can choose the right person for me hindi ako magiging ganito katanga, maybe you see me happy and contented pero hindi e. Look at me, I was called stupid, martyr and what so ever.
Hindi pa naman ako nawawalan ng pag-asa. Siya lang ang nakakapawi ng lungkot na siya ang dahilan, siya ang makakapagpawala ng sakit na kanyang pinaparamdam at siya lang ang nakakapagpasaya sakin. I was envious to the boy she’s with right now, look at how he hold her hand in the campus. The way they talk together and how interested she is with him. Mapait akong napangiti, buti pa siya nahahawakan ang kamay niya samantalang ako heto nakatanaw sa malayo. Ni hindi ko nga siya makausap ng malapitan kapag nasa public area kami e, she restrain me na lumapit sakanya in public. Ang daming bawal na gusto kong gawin but I respect her choice. Parang hindi naman ako sanay sa ganitong set-up.
Huminga ako ng malalim habang hindi tinatanggal ang tingin sa kanya na unti-unting nawawala. Sakto namang sunod-sunod na dumating ang mga kaibigan kong sila Hyde, Zayan, Kazehaya at Travis. By the way it’s early in the morning and they look unspirited. It’s their usual energy kapag pasukan.
“Ang aga mo naman ngayon Schiniezel. Hindi mo manlang kami hinintay!?” nakabusangot na reklamo ni Hyde sakin with puppy eyes, napatawa ako sa itsura niya. He’s disgusting.
“Stop acting cute. You’re disgusting.” I said, tumawa naman ang mga kaibigan ko.
“Aray! Ang sakit mong magsalita baby!” hyde replied, umupo sa tabi ko at hinipo ang braso ko. Damn! Anong ginagawa ng lalaking ‘to sakin?
“Fuck! Hyde, you’re really disgusting HAHAHAHA” Zayan said while still laughing hard,
“Yes bro, look at you! HAHAHAHA” sabi naman ni Kazehaya, look at how they became cheerful. The unspirited gang became cheerful with in a second.
“Can you please stop harassing me?” I command at binawi ang braso sa pagkakahipo niya.
Maya-maya dumating na ang prof, he introduce himself at nagpagawa lang ng activity before he leave. Well, first day of school palang naman so you don’t expect the professors to teach. Maybe a bit introduction lang para sa mga subjects and I find it boring hanggang sa maglunch time na. Nagkatinginan kami ng mga kaibigan ko bago tumayo.
“Saan tayo ngayon?” Travis asked habang nakaakbay sakin,
“Saan niyo ba gusto?” I answered, nakangiting lumapit sakin si Hyde bago umakbay. I just look at him without giving any reactions.
“Sure yan pre? Dun tayo sa resto niyo. Namimiss kona ang mga pagkain dun” nakangiting saad ni Hyde, napailing nalang ako.
"Sure ka bang pagkain ang namiss mo dun? Baka naman iba ang namimiss mo" pang aasar ni kazehaya sabay tawa.
"Ofcourse. But I really miss you!" Hyde said with the sweetest tone, he nearly kiss kazehaya in his cheeks but kazehaya looks disgusting
Patuloy ang asaran hanggang sa makarating kami sa resto. Sinalubong kami ng napakaraming tao, well ba't pa ako magtataka e luch time ngayon. Lumapit ako sa manager na agad akong binati at ginawad kung saan kami p-pwesto. Umupo kami at kanya-kanyang nagsabi ng order sa waiter, we ordered our favorite foods and I add one for take out. I want to give it later to Zaiah. Hoping na kumakain siya ngayon, I texted her while ago saying na lalabas kami ng mga kaibigan ko for her to eat freely at happily with her friends.I gave her assurance na hindi niya ako makikita sa cafeteria or else hindi yun sasama sa mga kaibigan niya na kakain. Ayaw ko namang nagugutom ang asawa ko, yes tama kayo ng pagkakabasa. She is my wife legally but it feels like I’m the third party between us. How funny right? The person you love are inlove with someone else, the girl you cared doesn’t care about you but care with someone else. The woman you dreamt all this time are with someone else. Diba ang sakit lang ang isipin na malabong mapapasayo ang puso niya at ang sakit isipin na ang taong gusto mong kasama nasa iba. I hate to accept that she’s in a relationship pero wala akong magawa, gusto kong siraìn ang relasyon nila pero diko kaya. Ayaw kong kamuhian niya pa ako, sobra na ang galit niya sakin ayaw konang dagdagan pa. I can take the pain but I can’t take her hatred towards me. Di baleng masaktan makita ko lang siyang masaya, I don’t care about the pain. I can Ignore my personal feelings as long as she’s sound and happy.
That’s how much I love her, willing to sacrifice even my own happiness for her sake. Kaya kong maghintay na mahalin niya ako ng kusa or kung matututunan niya man akong mahalin kahit ilang dekada pa yan gagawin ko. Hindi ako nawawalan ng pag-asa.
Itinuon ko ang atensyon sa mga kaibigang nagtatawanan, I don't know what are they talking about and why they laughing so hard. Mabuti nalang at pagmamay ari namin ang resto na'to dahil kung hindi kanina pa kami napalayas dahil sa kaingayan nila.
Tahimik akong nakikinig at minsan nakikitawa hanggang sa dumating na ang pagkain. Now, I know why they laughing so hard. Kinukwento nila ang kanya-kanyang kahihiyan na nangyari while having vacation overseas.
"How about you Zel? Do you have any experience?" Travis asked while smiling, all eyes are on me. I act like I was thinking kahit wala naman akong iniisip.
"No. I spend my vacation managing the company and I don't have time wondering around or traveling, maybe next time." I answered, they look so disappointed. Maybe expecting to tell them a story
"Really? I thought you spend your time thinking on how to make her fall inlove with you?" Zayan said, ofcourse. Hindi yan nawawala sa isip ko.
"It's on my priority list but you will help me right?" I look at them one by one
"Ofcourse"
"Yes"
"You've got our back" they answered.
Saktong dumating na ang pagkain, I get my food and silently eating while listening to another story of them hanggang sa matapos. I got my take out at bumalik sa campus.
"Mauuna na ako sa inyo" paalam ko at nagmadaling naglakad patungo sa department nila Zaiah.
To be continued...
