The Ever Tragic Story of my Life

Dear Diary

When I was little I always wanted to keep a diary. It was always so romanticized on tv, and I wanted to be just like them. The only issue I ever had with diaries was that my life wasn't interesting enough for one. There were no boys, no drama, no parties. To be honest, there still isn't any of that, the only difference is that now I have a bit more of a story to tell.

My name is Ana. I'm a high school junior. Up until this point I could blame all my failures on the fact that I was a lower classman... not anymore though. I've reached an age where I have to take responsibility for what I am and am not capable of. For example, I am capable of getting good grades, and staying in NHS (national honors society). I am not capable of getting into the top choir, or becoming cheer captain. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Lets start at the beginning.

Despite what you would think, the beginning is actually the end of my sophomore year. So I participate in my school choir, every year we have a vote for who will be the next years "choir council" Which is basically a popularity contest that means the choir teachers use you for free labor. Its like a student council, but just for choir kids. Anyway, I'm getting away from my point. I ran for choir council with my best friend Abbi. I thought that if I ran with her I would at least have a shot. shes not popular amongst everyone, but shes popular amongst choir kids.

Abbi is the kind of girl who is always in the advanced classes. she goes to bed at 1 am and wakes up late but still comes to school looking like America Next Top Model. She is so humble and nice. She has big ambitions, she is good at talking to people, she has a great sense of humor. Sometimes I get so jealous that I hate her. I don't really hate her, I love her. I just wish I were her. I want to be her so badly sometimes that I feel like I hate her, when I really hate myself for not being her. 

Anyway...spoiler alert! We didn't win. She was sad, but she got over it. I was sad... I am sad.

"Whatever" I think to myself as I walk in to my first day of 11th grade. By this point I had mostly forgotten about choir council. I was on a new mission. "This is my year" I think to myself. At least I don't talk to myself... out loud. My new mission was in 3 simple steps. 

1. This year I will be the cheer captain of my cheer squad. This is my 3rd year on the team, I've done both seasons, and I'm already liked by the team. This should be easy to achieve. I only have one rival, Alison. She is a senior this year and has been on the team for 4 years. Her major downfall would be the fact that she is bossy, and I am not. My team will like me better and vote for me.

2. I will get a main role in this years school musical. This isn't a popularity competition, its a talent competition. Even though the choir teachers tend to pick the same people year to year, ill make it. Maybe I wont be a lead, but I will at least have a line. I will not just be another part in the chorus.

3. Finally I will get into SWE (select women's ensemble) This is an after school choir with only the best singers in our school. there are only 26 seats avalible for SWE. This year I will be one of the 26. I will make it in. I remember what the teacher told me to work on last year, and I've worked hard on that. I will make it into the exclusive choir. 

My three step plan was foolproof. This was going to be my year. I would have everything I ever wanted. I have a job, a car, money, good grades, a decent fasion sense. Aml I needed was for my three step plant to fall into place. 

Right after school on the first day was the audtions for the musical and for SWE. I tried not to think about it all day. If I thought too much about it my heart would fall. When I get anxious the nervous feeling of butterflies is more like little evil caterpillers that are eating me slowly from the inside out. The audition was quick and easy. I walked out of the school confidant that my three step plan would be a breeze. 

Its probably important that I mention that I have a little sibling. Their name is Leo, and the are questioning their gender, so I'll be saying "they" as their pronouns. Leo also auditioned for the musical, but they're just a freshman, so it was unlikely that they would make it in. In my freshman year I didn't make it into the musical. but that's just because I was an underclassman. 

When the callback list was posted I was shocked to see my name wasn't right at the top. Or the middle. Or the bottom. I wasn't called back. But its okay. Ots not the end of the world. Even if I don't get a call back that doesn't mean I wont get a role with a line. my plan wasn't falling apart just yet. 

Soon enough though, Doomsday arrived. Seep down I knew it would happen sooner or later. The cast list went up... and my name is in the Chorus section... right under Leo's name. Not only had I only gotten chorus, so did my freshman sibling. I'm not saying that I'm jealous that they got in their freshman year and I didn't, I'm just saying that it seems unfair. It was like a shot in the leg. The SWE list was posted right next to it. My name completely missing from the page, but Abbi's name was there in black and white. That hurt like a shot to the side.

Cheer went better though, I didn't lose! I mean, I didn't win either, but at least I didn't lose. We tied and are going to be co captains. Its like a shot in the head. BOOM. All my hopes and dreams are dead. 

Im Ana White, I have a bad habit of getting my hopes up only to be let down, and I'm going to need a new plan for how to survive this year while being surrounded by my failures.