Colors

Pastel Smiles

Mia

I slowly made my way through the crowd of people, my head ducked into my muffler and my eyes downcast. Laughs, shouts, and cheers resonated around me. I sighed into my muffler and slowly closed my eyes as I passed the rush of noise and life.

A slow breeze carried through the air and my muffler fluttered against my collar. I caught it and held it in place while rounding the next corner. The silence and the empty walls from there on swallowed me. I slowly opened my eyes. I'd felt out of place before but now I belonged. This silence and these empty walls were where I belonged.

I walked up to my locker and carefully opened it and slowly pulled out my books. Something dropped out of one of my books and landed near my worn out trainer. It was the same note Andrew had given to me before when he asked me if I had something to eat. I felt my cheeks warming against my muffler and I sighed again. I would never be able to understand myself.

I picked up the note and tucked it into my hood's pocket. Then I advanced towards the class. I lowered my head further into my muffler, my gaze on my feet as I walked over the threshold. A surge of chatter and laughter filled my ears.

I kept walking, swerving around people and found my seat in the back. I lowered my bag to the ground and sunk into my seat. I realized my fingers were trembling as I reached out for my notebook. I inhaled deeply, glancing down at the grey desk.

My heart crumpled slightly in my chest as I realized that this was the only color I'd ever be able to see in my life. It was also what I'd feel all my life. I'd only feel grey. I wondered what it was like to see color? It must be so beautiful.

For the first time, I glanced around me, watching longingly as girls laughed blissfully, their plaited skirts swinging at their knees. I watched as boys nudged each other, huge mellow grins on their faces. I suddenly longed to be one of them. I suddenly longed to laugh as easily as them. I suddenly longed to wear a smile as easily as they could.

My eyes suddenly averted to the side and I noticed a whole group of guys staring at me and at the very center stood Andrew. His eyes widened as my gaze met his and he quickly swiveled his head away and started talking to a guy standing beside him. I realized I was still watching him a little breathlessly until he stole a glance at me.

My eyes widened and I instantly jerked my head away, pressing my fingers to my mouth and lowered my head, trying to hide it under my desk. My cheeks had started burning to the point that I thought I'd catch a fever. My heart was stuttering in my chest. I quickly pretended as if I was writing something in my notebook, my hands were shaking from nervousness and anxiety as all the boys still watched me.

Why were they staring at me? My void was beginning to come up. I suddenly realized them whispering something and I caught the words 'Golden boy's new slut.' A jolt of pain scissored through my heart. I clutched it through the fabric of my sweater and felt tears pricking the corners of my eyes.

Why? Why would they say that? Why did they hate me? Why did everyone hate me? Wasn't I already broken enough? I squeezed my eyes shut trying to stop the tears but they broke out, one by one, racing down my cheeks. I quickly wiped my damp eyes against my sleeves. I buried my face into my muffler and felt another rush of tears but I forced them back until I heard a soft voice.

"Mia?"

I slowly glanced up and my heart twisted in my chest. I saw Andrew leaning over me, his expression concerned yet he was trying hard to keep it neutral.

"I'm o-okay," I said, tearfully while burying my face further into my muffler and looking away.

"Just a friendly advice," he said in a low voice while leaning down until his face was level with mine. "You shouldn't hold those tears back."