exist loudly.

Chapter 1

Sometimes it feels like there is something lingering in my soul, but I have never been able to distinguish this particular sensation, which causes my heart to ache.
which causes my thoughts to expand to the point where it feels like something is pressing against my brain.
so I am stuck there in my brain between the walls of pain

I blink.
Once.
Twice.
I have to blink a few more times to recognize the shades of yellow of my bedroom wall. The gray accents of my white desk catch my attention, just as they do most of the time. I'm sitting on my desk chair, the one my father bought me when I was 11 and begged him for a new one, because "everyone in my class has got one". My gaze wanders through the room and out of the window to look at the bluish september sky.
Having been lost in my thoughts I hadn't realized how much time had passed. The morning sun, which had flooded the room when I sat down at my desk was now barely visible.
On the desk multiple notebooks, stationery and books were lying around and one could see, the few attempts of writing something down on a paper ended in vain. Only the title "Revision Senior Year: Basic knowledge" was written neatly on the top of the page.
The laptop, that was occupying most of the workspace showed the time.
3pm.
With a sigh I closed all of my school materials and cramped them into the desk drawer.
not today, satan
It was not that I didn't have the ambition or the sense of responsibility to study but just this feeling of not wanting to do it at all, made the process of learning so much more difficult.
After staring at the closed drawer and deciding that revising everything in the evening would be enough, I got up and left the room, trying to ignore the screams of the undone work
"you are going to regret not revisingg usssss noww"
well whatever.
Downstairs a sticky note on the refrigerator gave me the order to wash the dishes and do some grocery shopping "because we are out of almond milk and bread, honey. Thanks and love you. Mom"
Almond Milk?
I mean at least not as cliché as normal milk to run out of but still.. mom!
Doing some dishes is to be honest not the problem.
I don't really dislike it and it doesn't take much time. Well that might be the result of only two human beings living in one household and neither of them using an excessive amount of plates or cups.
Also, putting some music on while washing a certain amount of ceramics and glass/metal utensils is to some point relaxing and puts me in the mood to think about a lot of things.
For example how exactly almond milk is made. And what if there were almond cows, which only give almond milk and then there were soy cows, which only give soy milk because they only drink soy milk. Which leads to the question if vegans, like my mom would then drink soy or almond milk, if they were produced by cows.
...well probably not because it is from an animal
that was a fast result. And here ends the excursion about almond and soy cows and their result on the vegan production industry.

At the grocery store I walk through the isles until I reach the fruit section. It is always fascinating to watch the artificial mist or fog come out of the ventilation just to disappear into the air. It is also pretty pleasant to just stand there when the summer season has reached its high and grocery shopping equals a trip to hell.
But it was September at the moment and I was even wearing a sweater because the temperatures had been dropping in the last days.
Just before I could reach the Cash box I heard a familiar voice in front of me and looked up.
A group of girls were laughing and playing around just a few steps away from me and the moment I recognized the voices I made a clean 90° turn and looked at the oh so interesting products of the bio section.
Coconut Oil. Eggs from the happiest chicken on this earth. 10 different nuts showing their nutrients with font size 15 on the packages.
I didn't really know the girls, which were still discussing something in front of the cashbox and laughing obnoxiously. Well I knew their names and seat numbers in my class and of course which celebrity crush they would date for they like to talk about those topics very loudly during the lessons, but I have never really talked to them. And I wouldn't start now, in the middle of the bio section, while the complete horde was still arguing about which sprouse twin was the hotter one.
"What no, it is definitely Dylan I mean have you seen the last photoshoot"
"What Abby how even? Cole is wayyyy hotter"
"so I'm 100% for Dylan but hold on I forgot something!"

Being focused on the conversation and on the outcome of the argument because I mean it might be interesting to know I realized a little to late that Abbigail was heading straight towards my section. Which wouldn't have been a problem if I hadn't been kneeling on the floor and out of surprise tripped over my own feet to fall backwards and lay on my back like a bug just the moment she came in sight.

"Oh hey there", she gave me a confused smile and hold out her hand "are you okay? Should I help you?"
My head felt as hot as the last spicy burrito I had and I could literally feel myself turn into a tomato.

"oh uhm no thanks"

I tried to get up and almost fell again if I wouldn't have held on to the shelf next to me just to condemn a few packages of the nutrient nuts to take the fall for me. I hurriedly picked a few up, while Abbigail did the same and handed them to me.

"they have a lot of nutrients", I tried to explain to her while holding at least 7 packages of nuts in my hands and looking to the ground, because maybe there were still a few packages lying around?

"ah I see..." I saw the confusion in her eyes and she took something out of the shelf next to me just to smile again and to hurry out of the isle.

well shoot that surely went well.
I do hate grocery shopping.

Before leaving the section I went back to see what Abbigail bought from the bio shelf because it surely wasn't nuts. My eyes jumped from product to product until I found the right spot.

Almond milk. Of course. Almost forgot that one.