Sometimes I Say the Right Thing

I. am. not. done. yet.

You see, I tell myself I have already been given the best gift anyone in life could ever ask for. I have been given the gift of already living through every day and every thing that made me want to not. I have been blessed enough in this short period of time, ever since my lungs started to breathe and my heart beat ferociously with every pump, to have already been taught that no matter what happens I will always survive the worst of days, the worst of pains, the worst of thoughts, and the worst things I could possibly ever inflict on myself since I have also learned how to let myself be the only one who can truly hurt me.

The closest of friends tell me I'm "the strongest person they know, if they potentially faced even minor things that I have to face daily they would have killed themselves," even the closest of friends tell me they don't know how I am able continue. And my answer is simply because I refuse to believe the worst days of my life are yet to come. I have lived through every day when every thing tried to make me not. I'm not strong or inspirational, I'm stubborn and refuse to believe so long as I continue wanting to breathe, I continue wanting to live, I continue believing the world hasn't met me in all my glory yet, the world hasn't seen how I will set it ablaze with such passion the shadows will quiver in fear of being outshone, that I am to lay down and give up. I will continue to believe that I. am. not. done. yet.

Come hell or high water, when the pain is overwhelming and I think "this is the time it might kill me," ---- I will stop, I will breathe, I will put my hand on my chest and allow it to rest feeling the pulse of a heart far too wild to comprehend the word no and far too strong to accept giving up as an option, I will remind myself no matter the pain, no matter who should be here but chose to leave so now the gravitational pull of my existence feels wrong, no matter how far I've fallen behind, I am not where I use to be. I will tell myself the only place to look is forward, the only place move is on.

I lived though every day that did every thing to make me want to not. Today was awful, but I never once wanted to have a conversation with death, never once begged God to stop my heart because there is nothing left for me, I have lived through those worst days and I will live through this one too.