Notes on Depression and Anxiety

The Beginning

I honestly don't know when exactly it began. I've seen multiple doctors, psychologists and psychatrists, and one thing they all asked was: "Since when do you have these feelings?"

I tell them since less than a year. But that is not true.

Looking back, I recognize the feeling of depression long before " less than a year ". I felt it when we left America, where I grew up. I felt it every time I started a new school, that being 5 times. I felt it especially when my mom first went to work in a different country than I was in, that being when I was 10. I felt it when I had to stay with my dad, when I slept over somewhere. I was anxious and scared and insecure and lonely, and I remember feeling things that I couldn't explain.

I never liked being me. I haven't felt content with my life ever since we left America. It's like even though I wasn't born there, it's my real home.

Maybe that's just a feeling, or maybe it's true. Who knows?

I felt worse and worse the older I got, I can see that now. I often thought I was weird because I always felt nervous, and because I wasn't as happy as everyone else. People kept asking me if I was sad, why was I sad. I didn't understand why they would ask that back then, I told them no, I was fine.

I understand now.

So I blamed it on my schools. Nowhere was good enough for me. I switched 4 times in the course of 4 years, never wanting to believe that the problem was inside me. I decided to study super hard, to get away from all those dumb people who didn't get me, to go to an extra good high school with more mature people.

So now there we are, a year before now, freshman year. I felt so good at the beginning of the year, on top of the world. Great teachers, great friends, great work ethic, and a great crush. What more does a girl need?

I had this one classmate who I told all of my secrets to. My fears, my sadness, my problems, my secrets. I should have seen what was coming, but I was still naive and ever hopeful. I should have told him to fuck off when he told my crush I liked him, right at the beginning of the year, ruining every chance of something happening between us. I should have told him to go to hell when he said I don't have any real problems, after I told him my long list of fears and everything that destroys me.

He would know, of course. He, who had two parents around him since birth, who had gone to only one school, as opposed to my 7, who had never moved once in his life, as opposed to my 8 moving experiences. He would know about serious mental issues.

And so I tried to help him with his problems, but he enjoyed scaring me with his morbidity, he enjoyed hurting me with his constant critisism. I'd never had much self esteem, but after he was done with me, I had none.

We talked every night. I ended up falling for him. I don't know how, most likely some seriously fucked up attachment to someone who destroys you. And every day he went on and on about the love of his life. I'll hive you a hint: it wasn't me. It was another girl in my new and wonderful school.

It was torture.

I endured it for about 6 months, at the end of which I'd already started seeing a psychologist with serious mood swings and suicidal thoughts and social anxiety. Then I snapped, and I told him to never talk to me again.

I got even worse after that. I had to leave before school ended, I went away with my mom, on a sort of early vacation, because I couldn't do it anymore.

I'm not saying the guy started my depression, obviously, and definitely not my anxiety. Who knows where those come from - maybe trauma, or maybe genetics. But he was the one who brought it out of me. Every day he talked about hating his life, and every day I tried to get him to see a psychologist. But he said no, he enjoyed people worrying about him. That was probably when I realized I was dealing with a psycho. And I got really, really scared.

I can never forgive him for what he did to me. I don't want to confront him and I don't want to hurt him like he hurt me, but I will never stop hating him for it.

Ever since I stopped talking to him, I've stopped being so naive. I've stopped believing that there was good in everything, that anyone can change.

And that's how I started going steeply downhill.