Polaroids| Catty

Chapter 1

Patty's pov:

I had never really thought too hard about the people around me. As far as I was concerned, they were a background. I was not above them, not below them. But I also wasn't with them. I was on my own. They were my blurry backdrop in my depressing cartoon of a life. Abstract art of greys and Browns and pinks and yellows. A monotonous mumble of stories I had no need or love for listening to. A broken society of faceless conversationalists with a biased opinion that cause non-ending arguments of no importance. That was what society was... right?

There were only 3 people that broke this backdrop of mine. My mom, my sister Rachel, and her friend Cody. My mom was always so supportive of me no matter what. She would disapprove of my choices but wouldnt ridicule me. She wouldn't get mad, disapprove, or punish me much if I did a bad thing. Instead, she taught me alternatives. She taught me to use guitar and my voice, and she taught me to escape reality how I always do.

My sister breaks through because she is my sister. She helped raise me. Rachel has always been an influence in my life, she plays guitar too but enjoys to skateboard more. She could spend hours down an empty road with wind in her hair and a flannel flapping in the wind. I love her a lot, I remember when we were kids and she would make us pillow forts out of couch cushions and every bedding in the house. A sheet would be taped to the back of the TV and draped over 'the lounge' area of the fort. We'd watch The Never Ending Story or Snow White. Just the TV, Rachel, Myself, and a bowl of Cheetos. She was older than me by 3 years. So in kindergarten, she was in grade 2. This caused a lot of school issues for us. Such as that she was in grade 3 when I joined the big kid area of the school yard at recess. This was the only place she had rules for me.

"Don't talk to me unless you are being bullied, please Patty. I love you with all my heart but my friends are not so loving of anyone younger." I remember her saying. I agreed of course. We would always talk at home though. I didn't mind the seperation at school.

That following year was when Rachel met Cody. They were in a class together and Rachel had talked to him first. It wasn't long before he started becoming a regular guest at our house. He was always nice to me, unlike her other friends. When I was still in grade school he would play games with me. Pokémon cards, and monopoly. Let me rant and speed talk about my imaginary world at the time. Back when the clouds were my carpet because I was so far in them. My entire world was not the one we lived in. There were non-existent creatures and a non-existent perfect functioning society. He would suck up every word I said.

However, when I turned 12 and started to change, the serotonin in my body stopped flowing. Rachel changed as well. She grew distant of me, requested a room in the basement, and had friends over a lot. Girl friends and a few guys. Always loud, giggling, gossiping. She was 15 now so everything for her was a building block of a hormonal jenga.

When I lost my sister, I lost Cody. He always went with her,he was her friend not mine. So I became what my mom affectionately referred to as 'a room dweller'. I never left. I went to school and went home. As time passed I got worse. Repeatedly darkening inside my own mind as comments about my looks and personality made me a self conscious armadillo. Until I learned how to cope. I blocked everything so they all became slendermen of the modern world. No faced creatures.

My thoughts broke as the car door slammed behind me. A ride home from Mom as it was downpouring too walk home. "How was school?"she asked, tension rising in the air. Mom always tried to make things seem like they were fine. Like she didn't only have ten minutes to talk to me a day.

"Fine. We learned some theories." I mumbled without thought. She frowned at my lack of care. Rachel was already home when we arrived. Sitting on the porch swing hidden from the rain, Cody by her side. He smiled a warm smile at me.

One of those smiles that remain in your mind for awhile, that you have to force yourself if you don't want to return it. His smiles always reached his eyes. Those glistening orbs I'd get lost in when I couldn't sleep at night and would sit with him and my sister at the TV. I'd stare in his eyes and whisper secrets my mother could never know. That I was going to get a tattoo, that I liked dogs more than cats. Little things that meant nothing.

I returned it weakly. I didn't have the energy or love for myself to actually be happy. I tugged on my sleeves as I walked past and then ran up to my room. Walls lined with posters, Polaroids, pokémon cards, and vinyl covers. The bed was unmade with a light blue duvet, and some grey pillow cases. The floor was neither dirty nor clean. There were some random shirts and jeans lain about but otherwise it was clean. My guitar was on its stand but I didn't feel like playing. I put on my Neck Deep vinyl and laid down. Enjoying the spring air rushing from my window and curling around my torso. A feeling I had grown accustomed to when early April was around. As rain smacked against the screen of the window, spraying light mist against my jeans leaving a cool, yet damp feeling on my shins.

Spring was my favourite time of the year. It was the only time the world looked as grey to everyone else as it did to me. The water helped the world blur out as well, a natural filler for the space between myself and everyone else. I wasn't as noticeable in the rain; this was nice.

This is what I did after school. I listened to Neck Deep, hidden in my room, letting my mind rest after a hard school day. School was not a place I was happy at, or comfortable. People would try to break through my walls, making their faces unblurred to me. Of course they didn't know that's how I viewed them, they probably thought I was ignoring them. Their intention was to get close to me, but in my experience, you can't let people close that you know won't stay when they see what that entails.

My blurred bubble around me was my protection from pain, anger, and all things considered unsafe to me. Drugs, alcohol, relationships. All blocked out. It was easy to block out what hurts you, the unsafe things were a stressful filter. Which was why I blocked out everything and every one. I let teachers words in, I let the whiteboard or projection screen unblur when in use, but I didn't know what my teachers themselves looked like. If I trusted someone, they'd pop through the bubble. But I only trusted my mom, Rachel, and Cody.

That's because they've never done me wrong. My mom knows how I view the world. I've explained it to her the best I can through words, song, and pictures. She doesn't mind. I'm getting good grades, I'm not doing anything illegal, and I'm not blocking out family. So she doesn't exactly pressure me into interacting with anyone. She wants me to make friends so I'm not constantly alone. So I did.

That's a story I'm not exactly proud of. On my end, not his. But that's how the fourth and final person ever broke through my blur. I found him at a concert, where my blur completely shuts down because to me, people at concerts were the safest people. Drinks with alcohol were still blurred, but that was it. This guy was around my age and he had long hair. We were jamming out to Neck Deep and he had grabbed my arm and pulled me to the barrier. After the concert we had talked more, had lots in common and exchanged numbers. Since then he's been my only friend that I didn't grow up with (Cody). That's how I met Ben, my only person I could trust with everything that would never tell a soul. 

Ben is the only one that knows my biggest secret. The one that tears me down from the inside out and hurts me to my core. The one I have tried to push away, for the sake of a lack of blur. My first real infatuation.