Diary of a teenager

Being a teenager is too complicated

People has always told me that being a teenager was about finding yourself. I was always told that I will find out what I like, what I want to do, who I want to be. And yet, I'm almost at the beginning of being an adult, and I still don't know who I want to be.
I don't want to be just one "thing".

I want to express my passion for art.
I want to express my interest for biology.
I want to be able to like arts and sciences without anybody finding that weird.
I want to be nice.
I want to be clever.
I want to be honest.
I want to like myself.
I want to involve myself in charities.
I want to help people.
I want to be an engineer.
I want to be a good friend.
I want to travel.
To discover the world, to be free, to be free to exprience things.

Here's what I think :
I think that when you're a teenager, you get pressured about everything. About your job later. About how you must have a social life, but have good grades in class, do sports, have a passion. About how everyone wants you to be perfect. I've tried to be that perfect teenager. I've tried and it spectacularly failed. So I've tried again, and I failed again.
I wanted to cry, but I didn't have any tears.
I wanted to laugh honestly, but I didn't have any real joy.
I wanted to scream, but I didn't have any voice.
I wanted to cry for help, but my mind wasn't letting me.

After many failures, I just stopped trying. I stopped faking happiness. I was letting me be sad sometimes, welcoming happiness when it was here. Accepting my grades could be bad sometimes. But the hardest part was to forget about the fake friends that drowned me. I was so down, the only solution I had was to start again. So I took a deep breath. I stopped to think everything was bad. I got out of my house, looked for things to do. I travelled. I met people that gave me hope, hope that helped me finding what I like. I changed my way of thinking, and my life felt a little better.

Today I still feel a bit lonely, but I'm working on that. I chose to discover things, to explore, to learn, to see, to read, to hear, because that's how I will find myself.
In discovering countries and cities when I can.
In exploring places around me.
In learning my lessons.
In seeing interesting movies or museums.
In reading books about subjects I could like.
In hearing music to help me doing all that with rythym.

I won't say I completely found myself. I found a part. And the other one is being built. I try not to be scared, to trust life, even if that's the hardest thing to do. With all these "dark" moments, the thing I will always remember is that when you're feeling depressed, you're not alone. Even if you think you are.

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I don't really know what I'm expecting in posting this. I just needed to express myself. I'm sorry if it's written badly. And I'm deeply sorry if my English is bad, I'm not from an English-speaking country, so if you see mistakes, please tell me 😊