And suddenly , I knew ... ( a cmbyn prequel )

To let go

Timmy had been avoiding me all week. When we went for bike rides, to the cafes, out to eat he avoided eye contact with me. He avoided being alone in a room with me, after we would have dinner at Luca's he would leave before I had even finished my dinner. His lights would be going off as I was walking toward the apartments. This all started when Luca had mentioned my wife and Harper when we had dinner on the first night I had arrived. My heart dropped when the words "How is your lovely wife and daughter?" came out of Luca's mouth. I quickly looked at Timmy who's face grew pale, I could see the inner turmoil building inside him. He got up from the table, excusing himself. I waited a few beats before running after him, I found him in Luca's viewing room Timmy was pacing. He saw me entire, his face was riddled with discussed. He ran at me shoving his fingers into my chest.

"You're fucking married?" He gritted out through his teeth.

"I am, but let me explain." I was trying to calm him, I put his hands on his shoulder. He pulled away from me.

"You are such a goddamn stereotype, you know that? It's so fucking sad, rich well known white guy goes off to a foreign country to have a fucking affair with the first guy he sees. How long have you been married?" Timmy was looking at my face in disgust, I made him feel like a horrible human and I didn't like it, I hated myself for it.

"6 years" I wanted to slit my own wrists, I couldn't look at him.

"6 years? 6 fucking years, how many affairs have you had?"

"You have been the only one. I wasn't lying when I told you that you are the only man I've ever been with. And for what it's worth Elizabeth and I were on a break from our marriage. She knows I was with someone just not who. She forgave me for it, plus I think she's still having her affair."

"That doesn't make it ok Armie! Two wrongs don't make a fucking right. You made me a goddamn mistress, a boy toy, do you know how that makes me feel?" He walked away from me, going to the window. "I can't Armie, if we aren't in front of the camera I don't want you touching me. We are going to be sivel because I think this film will be amazing." He turned, I thought he was going to give me more of a lecture, scream at me more, give me anything. But instead he stopped before he passed me, I could see he was on the verge of crying.
"Think you can do that?"

All I could do was nod. He brushed past me like I was nothing.

But tonight as I walk back to my apartment I see his light is still on and I can't do this anymore. I need him, the week has been too much. I run up the stairs and beat on his door. He opens it.
"I guess you couldn't do it huh?" He asked.

"No because I need to explain myself. You didn't give me a chance to tell you what is in my heart." And with that he let me in. We were in his apartment his eyes followed me around the room as I sat on his bed .
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I realized that I couldn't do this any more so I stood up from the bed , I'm technically a cheater, cause back then Liz and I were on a break from our a marriage, not that we are in a good place now, but we're not legally divorced either yet    . I  couldn't be here,  in this apartment, any longer;  it was a dangerous game,  I didn't know if I had it in me to play, and maybe,possibly,  lose everything in the process.

I was so deep into my thoughts that I didn't notice he was standing right in from of me . " what is it? , is everything ok? ", he asked me in a low tone while he carefully approached me as if he were trying to calm a nervous puppy . " nothing, I was just thinking about stuff ". I said, trying and obviously failing  to keep it cool while assessing the situation, attempting to come up with a clever yet gentle way to bring  up my concerns . "what kind of stuff ?" , " you know what kind " , I said as I looked the other way in order to avoid those judgey  eyes . " yes I know, " we need to talk about this , us , whatever this is " Timmy said ,then  he continued, "I really honestly have no idea what to tell you Armie, you know how happy this makes me but I can't help feeling like we're doing something wrong, something we are not supposed to be doing, I mean we're shooting a movie, this isn't professional " .
"Let me stop you right there  -I said- , this has never been ok , need I remind you were underage when we  first met and you didn't care then why do you care now ?, I just don't get it , we enjoy each other's company,  sure this isn't the most ideal of situations but we've gotta make the best of it , otherwise we're  gonna end up full of regrets and I don't want that for either of us ".  Timmy interrupted me at that moment to remind how much I  have to lose, he was very clear about the fact that in here,  it's completely different than in France , he didn't know who I was then , there were no mentions of my marriage and my kid, as opposed to now that he knows everything .  As for him,  he has nothing ,  he's no one , he isn't really taking any risks here , but although I  find it very touching that he cares so much, he still needed to  remember the fact that I'm a grown up and I make my own decisions, if this is something I wanted, and I did very much, I  was gonna do it regardless of the possible consequences .
Being able of waking up next to him every morning and make love to him every night was worth it.

"You can't honestly expect me to   let go of you just like that, I am under your spell it is you who has the power to set me free, cause I'm never gonna do so voluntarily" , while I was pronouncing those words he just stared with his dark  eyes  filled with lust, making me feel as if what I was saying didn't matter at all.  I knew in that exact moment , that i could never stop loving him and that this forbidden love of ours was gonna turn into either an epic love story or a very tragic one,  for all the parties involved.

After a  very long conversation, we realized we were just standing there. So we decided to sit down on the couch since this was obviously gonna take a while. I started to progressively and perhaps almost subconsciously closer to him, Timmy tensed up a little because we were getting closer and closer  I  was almost touching his knee, then unexpectedly enough he started to slowly move into mine. Now my entire hand was covering his knee I don't know how we got there, but I was loving every minute of it.

He was just sitting there staring at the hand on his knee, he couldn't look me straight in the face.  then he said "If I   look into your eyes I'm not gonna be able to stop myself ", and he made this noise that he knows drives me crazy, like a soft moan, but not exactly it, as if he were too overwhelmed by his emotions and could  feel all of them coursing  throughout his body, and we had barely touched . The things this boy makes me feel go beyond anything I could put into words, and apparently I have the same effect in him .and all of a sudden using the softest and sweetest voice I've heard he said, "If I look at you I will be captured by your eyes. And I won't be set free, I will surrender." I was shocked he was just as smitten as I was, this perfect and amazing person was just as in love with me as I  was with him - "Surrender to me? -I said in the most incredulous way possible - If anyone is surrendering it's me to you. I'd do anything you ask, I'd be whatever you want me to be. I'd go to any lengths if that meant having you, all of you; and even though this love of ours may not last I'd still go to the end of the world and then past it"  
By this time we were totally leaning into each other, our faces mere inches apart . I  whispered into his ear, by now there wasn't a single part of me that wasn't touching him,  "Timmy?"  he responded  with a simple "Mm?"

I said to him in an almost demanding tone. "Look at me so I can surrender to you."
Timmy's green pools are met with my blue skies then and without hesitation he crashed his lips into mine, his hands quickly running through my hair. We were hot and sweaty in no time, I didn't even realize  I  had become naked, how had Timmy gotten my clothes off without me getting up off the sofa? .We stopped for a second, we were both breathing heavily still from the previous kiss.

Fuck it ! if this was the last time I  would be intimate with this boy who is my entire heart,  I  was gonna enjoy it as much as I could.  He looked so stunning , the most beautiful human I've ever seen in my life,  he was breathtaking , his perfect collarbone, his porcelain white chest ...i didn't think about it twice as I  grabbed him in my arms and we kissed again deeply , we were like that for a few minutes, until we both realized it had to end at some point . We slowly let go of the other of the strong embrace we were in.

Then before I could even touch him again, he removed himself from my lap. Standing in front of me, his hard cock full, his green eyes burning, his face flushed pink, his voice had become husky. "Join me in the shower?" And it was clear he wasn't asking. Somehow I got even harder,  I watched in awe as Timmy walked to the bathroom only looking back as he disappeared into it.  I  did as I  was told to do, I  heard the shower running, then as soon as I entered I  turned around to face him and he put one of his fingers inside me without any warning, we need to stretch that tight hole so I  can fuck you" - he said- , needless to say I was both insanely turned on and also excited about it . We showered, cleaned each other thoroughly since it was necessary for our next activity, he assured me. I was oblivious of what was coming my way...

Note: thanks to my bestie ThinkingPeaches  who's my beloved teacher in this realm of the fan fiction writing check her stories they are the absolute best !