Alleviate

16| dezesseis

"What do you think I should do about Eve?' He asked me casually, just after starting his car. The engine hummed softly as he readjusted his side view mirrors. I shivered; I could feel the cool wind move slowly and wearily around me, gently rolling around and playing with the wisps of my hair.

My eyes landed on his knuckles that were tightly gripping the steering wheel. He was looking straight ahead, but the car wasn't moving just yet.

"Try and get her to understand," I muttered softly.

"Understand what? She already is convinced that I don't feel anything for her," he said, his voice was not raised but I could pick up a tone of irritation.

"She may be convinced that you don't feel anything for her at the moment, but she isn't aware about what you feel for the people who are in pain. Or your own pain."

I was referring to his mother's passing and the way he helped me the past few days.

"She knows I've suffered. She also knows she's been there for me, and she feels that I've turned to another woman now that I'm slightly better."

I sighed, it was partly because I could hear that his voice was strained and tired, and partly because I'm supposedly the other woman to be blamed. But as my eyes moved from his gripped knuckles to the road ahead, I raised my head.

"It's funny," I started to speak, "most see us throw ourselves to men. And we throw our dignity along with it." Athelio's eyes quickly flickered to mine, and for once I could look him in the eyes and speak my true mind. His mouth opened to say something, perhaps protest or defend himself or try to console me, but I needed to finish this. I continued.

"But do people not see that we have our road trapped, and our wings clipped, our worlds crashed on the fact that we need to sell our bodies for survival? You may turn to me, but who do I turn to?"

He took a deep breath, and I saw a look of dread in his eyes, "Camilla, I never wanted to point a finger at you, your position is nothing compared to mine. I merely meant—"

"I know what you meant," I retorted back softly, "but no one thinks about what I meant when I try to be there for a man. And it's out of nothing but pure need for survival. That's what you need to get Eve to understand. I was only there with you for my own survival, Athelio. How else do I feed myself? Let her know that, and she'll come back to you. Tell her that. Tell her you helped me out of the need to feed someone who went hungry on most nights."

My words sounded slightly foreign to me. Harsh words were not something I was familiar with coming out of my mouth, but I knew this man cared for Eve greatly. It would take a lot of conviction to get a woman to forgive a man she loved if he turned to another, I knew my words would move him enough to to tell her this.

His eyes didn't leave me even after I turned away and looked out of the window. I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but something about my words had stopped him in his tracks. But I don't know what.

He sighed and put his car into the right gear. We had started to move slowly by then. He never responded after what I said and we continued to drive in a strange silence. It was soothing but it left me in my own thoughts. Even as I enjoyed the silence and the soft hum of the car, and we rode through his neighbourhood and back out into the city, I felt the need to clear something.

"Trust me," I began, "please don't think that I'm not grateful."

My voice became slightly more confident— I wanted to sound sincere. "I really am grateful for everything. But I said that so you could convince Eve."

He spoke; his voice was deep but soft, it held no emotion though, and I didn't know what to think of it. "I know, Camilla. What I don't know is.. Am I only your means of survival to you, is that what you were implying?"