amavi

xx

my love,

i will always love you. always, always, always, always and forever. when we are but dust and shadows, i will love you still. you mean more than anything to me. i would give my life for you. i would kill myself for you. i have killed myself for you. because of you. again and again and again, i have died, you have shattered my heart, my soul, my body, again and again and again, and you don't even know. you might not ever know.

whenever i think of how we've drifted apart and probably will continue to in the coming years, a pain grows in my chest. i don't want to fall apart from you. i've spent so much on you, so much time and pain and emotions that nothing is left and it's all for nothing. i knew that from the start, when i first realized i loved you, that it would all be for nothing. i would never intentionally tell you. i don't have that type of courage. i probably never will.

i remember the day you started dating him, december 27. i only remember because of the polaroid my friend and i had taken of us and the date was written on it, that was the same day you started dating him. december 27 was the day i felt my own heart being ripped out, being shattered and crushed to bits and pieces right in front of me. december 27 was the day i realized i would never be able to have you.

i'm perfectly capable of telling you i love you. i'm just so scared, so scared, so scared. i'm terrified of what would happen. things wouldn't be the same. i can't have that. i can't be the reason we break apart. i can't handle that. i wouldn't be able to handle that.

the day i hurt you is the day i will hate myself, truly, physically, painfully hate myself. i never want to cause you harm. even if it's tearing me in half, even if i can feel it in my chest every single day, every time i see you, every time you tell me you love me but you only mean it as a friend. you hurt me so much. you hurt me so so much. but i let you. because you don't know you're doing it. and i know you would hate yourself if you hurt me.

i don't like to think i'm of that much value to you, because then it would be easy to get over you, or at least try to fall in love with someone else maybe, it would be easier i guess. to think that you don't like me, so then i don't have to like you back, but you love me. you love me as a friend. you would never hurt me intentionally. and that makes it hurt even worse. it makes it hurt so much worse because now i know, i know, i know i can never tell you so i don't hurt you even more.

jesus fucking christ i love you so much

i love you with every single fucking thing i have. i would give you everything. i would give you whatever you needed. whatever i could. i will give you everything i can.

we don't talk as much as we used to and that hurts too. everything hurts i guess, haha. that's kinda accurate though. everything hurts.

i love you. i love you so much. i will never stop loving you. i will never forget you. i will never stop loving you. i promise, i promise, i promise.

i've been contemplating putting your name at the end of this letter, or whatever it is, so that if by any stupid chance you actually do see it, you'd know, you'd know everything, but for now, i'll leave it as it is.

- - -

thanks for listening to me complain about my unrequited love for 20 short chapters, to those of you who've read this whole thing

- judi