I'm Fine

Dear Diary...

I'm like a lonely feather. Following along with the life's currents as it takes me down a rough path of being pushed side to side, and hearing the loud roar of the harsh winds as they continue to sail past me and push me forward without stop. The wind roars in my ears, louder than others concerns and louder than my own screams for help, life cannot hear me plead for all of it to stop. So, I trip, fumble and stumble through life. My ears drumming and my lungs stopping. I desperately try to regain breath, but the winds seem to grow harsher and slam my chest. My throat seems dry as I try to plead again, but only faint whispers seem to escape my lips.

When I'm finally alone and escaped the daily winds of today, it seems that it's then that silence roars in my ears. It reminds me of how lonely I am, it reminds me of how sad I feel, and it also reminds me, how badly I want it all to stop. But I'm just a weak and fragile feather. My thoughts rip and tear away at my sanity, ruining every part of me that was once beautiful. I become withdrawn. Away from the world. Away from life its self, just observing, stuck in my own train of thoughts as they drag me under and drown me. I despise the silence. It reminds me of all the times I've tried, tried to fight the winds, tried to speak to those who surround me, tried to break away from my own walls that trap me, and how I've tried to swim out of the deep heavy thoughts that drown me.

But others seem to misunderstand my words as I desperately try to convey my feelings to them. Despite how heavy and deep my thoughts are, when I try to speak about them to others, my thoughts seem rushed and scrambled. Like quick waves crashing down on me, the next one crashing down before I can recover and explain the first. So, people misunderstand my thoughts and feelings. People assume that I'm just scared. People assume that I'm just there looking for attention. And others just look at me and assume I hate the world that I live in. And in a way, they're not wrong. I'm scared of my thoughts. I'm scared of other's thoughts of me. I'm looking for someone to care about me, not place me as last priority. I hate the world I live in, because the world I live in, doesn't treat me like it's a world I live in. Other's insult me, belittle me and complain about me. And that's fine, because I tell them "I'm fine". And they don't seem to mind because they know I'm fine, so they continue as they were, hating me.

The walls I tried breaking and the walls I tried climbing, they seemed to become taller and wider with each word that passed through other's lips. My walls became like steel. My heart aching as I stare up at those walls, wishing I could only go over and join the others on the other side. My legs burning, my mind exhausted, my throat dry and my eyes carrying dark bags, as I continue to exhaust myself with every time I try to get through. Nights I find myself collapsed in bed, and other nights I find that I cannot sleep as thoughts rumble through my head. On the days where I find myself not leaving the house, I find that I sleep for hours. More hours than a normal human should consume. But sleep is my only place of rest, away from the silence and away from the harsh winds, if only I could sleep forever.

But I can't. I have a life to live and as fragile as my mind is, I have things to do. I try and continue to fight through the winds again as every day, to finish my work and to finish my time. I try to ignore the words around me as every other day while they nag at me for several hours on end. I try to ignore the thoughts that surround me, and the wind and the drumming that resonates in my ears. Others show concern and ask if I'm alright, I reply as normal as I can while I feel weak inside. Some congratulate me for being so strong, despite the small amount that they know that I'm going through. There are times when I fall, and things go wrong, there are times where I am forgiven, and times where others question my health. But again, I say I'm alright with a broken smile on my face as I pick myself up once again.