when we were alone, either in his apartment or mine, he would just whisper my name for the sheer pleasure of saying it.
"monty?"
"yes?"
"we'll survive this, won't we?"
"together, we can do anything," i lied.
"we made the right choice, didn't we? cho...
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"Why are interpersonal relationships necessary?" I hastily insert a tape into my ODisk. The music stuffs my compartment like cotton balls in a glass jar. "Why should they even matter beyond food and reproduction? In an evolutionary sense, I mean."
"Humans are social creatures. Science has proven members of your species are happier together," Dr. Goshae always understands what I mean. His best features are his sonorous voice, his solid, worldly processing, and his reasonable fee. "It comes down to chemicals, hormones, and nerve impulses."
"Is that all that separates us from togetherness and isolation?"
"There is an innate drive to be accepted. To be loved."
I snap to the beat of the song, turning up the music. I knew Dr. Goshae wouldn't mind, he never does.
"The garden-variety sociopath doesn't exist for a pat on the back."
Poking holes in his theories calms me.
Dr. Goshae patiently hums. "What's the point you're trying to make, Montaigne? You seem agitated."
I bob my head. Music is math. There are patterns. Even in jazz. It makes sense.
A mysterious coworker tracking my paperclips and replacing them with notes does not make sense. It's incomprehensible.
"Why would someone reach out to me like this?"
Dr. Goshae doesn't miss a beat.
"Possibly because they want to make a meaningful connection."
"But why?"
"The same reason why I enjoy our sessions. You're genuine, thoughtful, observant, lovely, kindhearted. I don't see why anyone wouldn't want to get to know you, Montaigne."
"But I pay you."
He laughs, voice warm like microwaved milk. "Yes. Yes, you do."
I pace the room, pumping my arms and psyching myself up. "So what should I do, Dr. Goshae?"
"About whatever has you so antsy? I don't even know the full story."
"But just as a general solution, how would you recommend I solve this?"
He pauses. The black box on my wall whirs.
"I would suggest opening yourself up to whatever happens next. Don't be afraid to feel. Challenge yourself."
I stop dancing and stand in the middle of my yellow compartment, coming to myself. I turn off the ODisk.
"Even though I'm a Pale?"
"Especially because you're a Pale," Dr. Goshae says. "Even you deserve to be loved, Montaigne."
I don't know what to say to that, so I say what most people say when they're lost.
