The Breakdown of Podgy Hinkerman

Keeping It Real

Podgy Hinkerman was back at work after a long week recovering from his stress attack. The work was piled up higher than he’d ever seen, and nobody had covered for him. He was beginning to worry that all he had been through was nothing compared to what was coming up next…that he would still be fired. At least this time he would be ready. Hey, there’s Jean, sitting down next to him. She’s always been friendly.

 “Morning Jean. How’ve you been?”

“A lot better than you, I would think. Did you really pass out during your review?”

“Oh, I suppose I did, and then I went somewhere beyond. Ms. Wexham said I was clinically dead, but I’m not sure I believe her.”

“From what I heard, at least one part of you was going up to heaven.”

She smirked when she said that, and glanced at his pants. Podgy was unsure what to think.

“Jean, I’m not sure what you are referring to, but to be honest, I would appreciate it if you would not repeat whatever it is you are referring to. Humiliating your co-workers is not ideal. I’d hate to have to report something like that.”

Jean got the point and went back to work.

The intercom crackled forth. “PODGY HINKERMAN…THE MAN WITH THE NAME NOBODY WOULD EVER GIVE THEIR CHILD…PLEASE REPORT TO DR. BOARERN’S OFFICE!.”

Damn! Again? Already?

Podgy got up from the desk, and began the long solemn trek. This time, everybody looked at him before turning back quickly, like the last time he did this march. Doomed, for sure.

He hesitated at the final few steps, but Ms. Wexham saw him, and motioned him to come in. 

“Come in, Podgy. Don’t be worried. This is good. He is going to help you this time. I made sure of it!”

“I don’t know what you mean, Ms. Wexham…Cindy…but I’m afraid nonetheless.”

“Don’t be. It’s good news this time. Go on in!”

“Are you sure?”

“He’s expecting you. Hurry up before he changes his mind.”

“Oh, in that case, I’ll…hurry…on…up…” Podgy shuffled his feet slowly towards the CEO’s door. It suddenly flew open, and there was the CEO.

“Come in, Podgy. Come in. COME IN DAMMIT. Just kidding. Make yourself at home. Ms. Wexham, don’t disturb me until we’re done, all right?”

“Yes, Dr. Boarern.”

He shut the door, then escorted Podgy to a comfortable seat across from his desk.

“Sit down, Podgy. Hinkerman. Take a seat. It's all new. You and Ms. Wexham bent the old one when you were making out. Damn thing wasn't built for two, like this one."

“Sorry sir, I don't recall much about that."

"YOU WANT TO SIT OR NOT?"

"Thank you sir, I believe I will.”

The Dr. stared at Podgy, sizing him up. He perused his weak features and considered alternative looks, via various plastic surgery techniques. After a minute, a time which unnerved Podgy, the CEO was ready to deliver the news.

"Mr. Hinkerman," he said in a low tone.

"Yes?"

“You’re getting a raise.”

“A raise? Did I hear you right?”

“Absolutely. I’m not proud of my performance last week, and I’m sure you aren’t either. Probably think even less of your own. I sure do. Anyhow, one of the reasons I’m at the top and you’re not is that I’m able to separate the wheat from the chaff. Last week was the chaff. This week is the wheat. Next week is a flour tortilla. That was funny, wasn’t it?”