Inside I feel broken, and hurt.
I crumble till I am nothing but a pile of ash. And as ash I scatter from where I lay on the cold ground.
Inside I feel lonely. The loneliness turns to anger and my heart cries for a sliver of hope. Even if it's just a speck I will desperately reach to grasp it in my hands and hold it close.
Inside I feel nothing but an unbearable pain, nothing in this world can heal the pain that consumes me and tears my heart asunder and bashes it on rocks of fear and anxiety.
But one day someone very special and dear came along. She reached her hand out to me smiling the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I grasped her hand in my own and smiled back.
She saved me from myself.
Inside I felt free.
Inside I felt loved.
It was as if the broken pieces of my battered and torn heart were carefully stitched back together, one by one.
Truthfully before I met her I wanted to die.
We became friends, her beautiful smile and bright eyes always seemed to make my day and illuminate the empty darkness of my soul.
Gradually I began to feel different about her...I ended up falling in love.
We were together for almost a year... But something happened and I fell into the dark again.
It was my fault it happened I will admit. I would give anything to go back in time and do everything differently. I would fight for her even if it cost me everything, but what's done is done and I'll never forgive myself for being so stupid and selfish.
The pain appeared again... Memories I wanted to forget came flooding back, I can't sleep because of the constant nightmares.
The most special person to me found someone else.
She's happy with him but I'm lost to the darkness. Broken and left behind as scattered ash once again. I'm glad she is happy, no matter how much pain I am in. If she is happy then I am content.
I feel as if it is worse than before.
I feel different.
I feel anger, far worse than anything before.
Memories of her and I would send me to sleep crying.
And the memories that had faded to the back of my mind from before her rushed back ten times worse.
I am crushed once again.
Inside a beast is chained to the ground in shackles and chains.
A muzzle over it's nightmarish grin. Teeth like daggers punctuated with a murderous glare on it's face and an insane cackle to accompany it.
Bright red eyes.
Yellow stained teeth.
Jet black fur as dark as night matted by blood seeping from countless wounds it has acquired from thrashing in the chains.
When I'm angry I feel like a monster...I lash out, I punch and I scream.
Tears of hatred directed towards myself and others falling from my eyes.
This is how I protect myself.
I am a lost child, trapped in my own mind
Lost.
Angry.
Sad.
Broken.
Hurt.
Destroyed beyond repair.
I wear a mask to hide my suffering I blend in, I fix myself to fit the mold of others expectations.
No hope is left to grasp on to, but I do wait for a miracle I wait for someone else to reach out their hand because I cannot save myself no matter how much I want to.
The longer I wait the deeper I fall into the darkness.
When the mask I wear is torn from my face the beast breaks from its confines.
The muzzle is ripped down the middle and thrown to the floor.
I cannot contain it.
Inside is a beast that is me.
It is
Unpredictable.
Dangerous.
Ravenous.
It is a beast, hungry for chaos and purely made out of hatred for a person whom I trusted that hurt me, broke me, tore me into pieces and left me to die....the one who broke me the first time.
Inside me is a scared child protected by that same beast whom is only kind to her, whom is made out of the child's hatred and fear.
Inside me is a disaster just waiting for the right time to show its twisted face and rear it's head to the sky vocalizing it's wrath caused by the pain it was subjected to.
It is a creature seen in nightmares.
Inside me is my worst nightmare.....myself.....and again, I want to die. I want to end this suffering, but I can't so I press on. Emotionless and numb is how I feel till the moment my charade of fake happiness is threatened.
