Looking for Joy

a wave of the past part 2

We were a happy family.
my mom became a writed in a small magazine and dad worked there as a  photographer ,  because now he has a family , a responsibility, he can’t leave us alone  and I was growing up happy and ignorant . just enjoying my peaceful life.

I didn’t notice at first but mom’s health strated declining and getting worst day after day , hospitals and checks became her daily routine,

a when I was 6 she passed away and that’s where my life crumbeled.
My dad became drunkman, he started to drift out from my life day after another .

That’s when I realized he wasn’t’ fit to be a father since the first place, when mom was still alive,  she was the one taking care of me most of the time , taking me to everyplace she found interesting,to the park , the museum,  playing with me.  going shopping with which always end with her spending all her money on useless stuff, but for dad,  I don't remember spending much time with him most of it was meal time or mom dragging him with us somewhere ,  never us alone

,playing baseball or football like all the kids , we Didn't have that habit,  but momwas there with me so I didn’t feel something a  miss but now I do .
I started to take care of everything at home from  cleaning to  cooking I just wanted to be of use, I wanted him to notice me,  to know that I'm here for him,  so I need him to be here for me too.

But everyday ,my effort was useless ,was in vain,my life became a repeating routine I wake up make breakfast and clean a little then go to school I leave him lunch so he can eat later, came back at evening to cook dinner and clean after his mess,  then when it’s 22: 00,  I go the bar cause I know he’s gonna be dead drunck over there I bring him home and that’s how  my life  passed for the next 2 years .

Yeah "Joy" don’t make me lought, sometimes I wonder if life is taking revenge of me cause my parents called me Joy Yokiku but I still didn’t loose hope.

My dad got firred from his job,  well I  can’t blame them , his attending declined month after another till he stopped going at all 6 months after my mom passed away,and he didn’t inted to find a new one, so I started part time job at the same bar that my dad visits,  even thought it’s illegal I did’t care ,I just wanted to make money .
Even though I can feel the boss staring at me in dirty way all the time,  not forgetting  the costumers  harassment all the time,  I still didn’t care,  money was more important, 

in those years my appearance started to change and open up,  I was shorter than boys my age  1'66and I’m not trying to be cocky but I became super cute small face small pointy nose full pink  lips and green eyes with a soft shiny  hair,  till now I don’t know the exact name of the color  it's black mixed up with silver lines
Sometimes I wonder is that why we are called the silver family
Any way ,even thought I was a boy I got a lot of confessions from boys in my school, streets, the bar ...

I was suffering from all this attention,  but I did’t give up
I grew up my hair , a long bang to hide my face adding to that a pair of glasses ,the typical nerd style that saved me a little ,but still at the bar I have to get back to my old style. but at least that gave me a little peaceful life out of the bar. Or so I thought.