Lightning Does Strike Twice

I'd Given Up

"The gardens," I whispered, mostly to myself when Cas pulled into the parking lot. I had to admit, I was a little hesitant to get in the passenger seat after everything, but I trusted Cas. And besides, my curiosity overruled my concerns.

His eyes searched over the front of the building quickly, darting between doors and windows and blocks of stone like he was trying to memorize everything about it. "They helped." He left it at that, even though I didn't really know what he meant.

Cas fished keys out of his pocket, even though he just put them there when he got out of the car. It was like he didn't know that he'd need them to open the doors. "My bosses closed the gardens for the long weekend so they could take a trip for, uh, Valentine's."

He unlocked the door, and I followed him inside the open entrance that was lit by the glass ceiling. "Your bosses?"

"I started working here after about six months in the hospital. Home felt... wrong. Empty. I was missing so much, but I couldn't remember what I was missing." Cas motioned for me to follow him to the east wing of the gardens. "I didn't know who I was or what my life was like or what I liked to do for fun. It was just day after day of... nothing. I was so empty. But then, I remembered this place." He touched a leafy plant that I couldn't distinguish from the hundreds of other leafy plants in the room we were passing through. It may have been my imagination, but it seemed like it perked up in a way. But that couldn't be possible: Cas had no powers. "It wasn't even a memory. It was the flash of a camera burned into my eyelids just before it faded. It was there enough, then it was gone. I was so confused, and all I could tell my parents about the feeling was flowers. They didn't understand, they thought it was something about my powers, so I left the next morning to find whatever that building was. I was told I was gone for hours, but I just remember sitting in one of the rooms full of flowers. They found me crying with these long vines curled around me like they were caressing or consoling me." He stopped again, this time to let some type of plant, probably the vines he was just talking about, wrap gently over his hand. "My family was scared. They were afraid. I wasn't- I wasn't supposed to go back, but I had to. I felt safe here. So I kept leaving the house. Or running away, I guess. And, uh, they agreed after a week of this. Ralph and Maria started teaching me how to take care of the plants without my powers." We'd made it all the way to the end of the wing, so Cas hesitated for a second. "Do you, uh- Do you want to sit and talk?"

I nodded, letting him lead me to one of the benches in the center of the room. "How are you doing all this without your powers? I mean, the plants seem to think you still have them."

"I'm not exactly debilis, Dean. My powers are still there. I just can't use them. The plants know that, and I still have a connection with them." He met my eyes, and a shiver ran down my back. Only I couldn't tell if it was a good thing or a bad thing. "The doctors couldn't take that from me too."

It hurt so much to hear him like that. He was so broken and hopeless. He was blaming the doctors, yet they were the ones who saved him. Azazel was the one he should have been blaming. I didn't want to open those old wounds yet, so I let his last comment hang in the air for a minute before I said anything else. "And working here helped your memory?"

He looked at me for a long time, probably too long but I didn't mind. His eyes wandered over my face like they did outside of the gardens. I wondered if he was trying to keep this picture of me in his mind in case his memories started slipping away again. After a long sigh, Cas stared at his feet like he couldn't see me when he talked. "I was right here. It had only been a few weeks since I started working, though I wasn't doing much, and I was leaving for the night. But I stopped in front of those flowers," he pointed at some purple ones not too far from us, "and I couldn't stop staring at them. Then I just had this memory of us come back." Cas met my eyes, holding my gaze almost unnervingly. His expression was almost wild. "It was so strong, Dean. I passed out, but when I came to, I could still remember the way you laughed and the way the flowers smelled. And it was like all those months that got me nowhere never happened. Before, I'd given up. It didn't feel like I would ever be back to normal, and life felt pointless. But that day made me start fighting again. I wanted to be able to remember you because that one memory was so full of love and hope, and I wanted to feel that again. So I started fighting so I could remember how much I loved you and so I could tell you that I still do. I wanted to tell you that I remember the way you would kiss me and smile into my mouth and how your eyes are the most beautiful green when you wake up and that you are right handed and that your middle name is Ross. I wanted to fight to be the person I remembered again."

He trailed off a bit, letting his eyes fall back to the ground. There was something he wasn't telling me. "But you're not," I ventured.

Cas shook his head. "I can't go back to being him, no matter how hard I try, but I know who he was. I can remember him again. That's all I really cared about. You changed too. I can see it in every part of you. You're not the boy I remember." A light blush spread over his cheeks. "I don't even think I can call you a boy anymore."

"It's been three years, Cas. Of course I've changed. It was inevitable."

"Do you think those people could ever be together?"

I decided to answer honestly. "I'm not sure."

Cas nodded, his face looking like he'd given up again. I touched his shoulder as gently as I could. "But we won't know unless we try."

"Are you saying-"

"Yes."

His tired eyes searched my face, looking for something he must have found after just a few seconds. "Can I kiss you?" he asked quietly. He almost whispered, like he was afraid someone would hear.

I lifted my hand to his cheek, already bringing his lips to mine as a breathed out, "Absolutely." And there was nothing else that mattered right then and there. I just cared that I had Cas back in my life and back into my arms. The last three years had blurred into a type of monotony that Cas shattered so easily. I had to wonder if this is how my life should've always been. Had I not moved to Northam. Had I stayed with Cas during his recovery. Had I not let him go all those years ago on Valentine's. It was hard to find any fault in a life with Cas. I couldn't believe I ever let him go. All I knew was that I wasn't ever letting him go again.

Cas pulled away for a second, just to mumble, "Will you stay with me? I know you have school but-"

I cut him off with a short kiss. "I don't have class until Monday afternoon." And just like that, I felt everything change. It didn't matter, though; my old life was in the past now. This present, the future I could see again, was all I cared about. So I kissed Cas again because I had him back and we had three years of catching up to do.