Before The After (Tom Hiddleston Fan-Fic)

Chapter 40

Kate's Perspective

"Can we talk about him?"

Benedict never fails to disarm me. His question should send me running for the hills, but he's been working on me all afternoon with his gentle words, unalarming behavior and smiles that somehow soften the blow each question delivers. Because there's only two 'him's' in my life at the moment. Frankly, I'm really not ready to talk about either one of them.

Sipping on my glass of vino buys me some time to answer, or at least figure out how not to answer. We're alone in his house, Sophie and Luke having run off somewhere after lunch to leave me here—alone. Trapped-ish somewhere between my demons of the past and my secrets of the present.

"Sure we can. But only if you've got something stronger than this," I tease, raising my glass mournfully. "What do you have against vodka, again?"

"Nothing." Benedict's smile doesn't quite touch his eyes this time, but he holds my gaze all the same. "But it's five minutes past noon, and I was hesitant enough when it came to opening a bottle of wine."

"Wine's nothing," I tell him, finishing off the bottle by pouring its meager remains into my glass. "Besides, you haven't seen the folks in New York drink. Happy hour is more like 'happy morning' there."

"Right, well I'll just come out with it, shall I?" He sighs as he stares at me, his arms folding at his elbows as he leans onto the island we've been standing around. "Kate, I'm worried about you."

"Well, don't," I tell him quickly, downing the rest of my glass with fervor. It's hard to miss the way Ben's eyebrows lift in surprise. "I worry about me plenty enough."

"Does he?" Benedict starts, gesturing pointedly at the empty glass in my hand. "Your mystery man. Does he know that you have some sort of—"

"What?"  I push him, waiting to see if he'll really go where I think he will with all this and play the hypocrite. Or maybe he'll just put his tail between his legs and drop it. With the way my head is buzzing, I don't know which I'd prefer.

Benedict drops his eyes down to the countertop, spreading his fingers against its cool surface before he shakes his head and scoffs. "I should never have left you."

"Left me?" I sputter, tilting my head in confusion. "What are you talking about?"

"Self-preservation is a funny thing," Ben looks up at me and shrugs. "I knew you and Tom were at the end of your rope; it wasn't hard to miss the fractures forming. I knew well before the gala and I..." He voice withers as does his posture, and he suddenly needs to brace himself on the counter again. "I didn't think it was my place to say anything to you, and I was worried about overstepping in my friendship with him. And it's not an excuse, but, Kate—"

"I don't blame you, Ben," I try to brush off his attempt to explain himself with a hand to his shoulder but he shrugs me off. "For that night, for the affair. For any of it."

"Well, like it or not, we all played a role," he presses, his eyes finding mine again, but this time they're wet and frustrated, but not with me somehow. With someone else. Probably himself.

"So," he says, voice rough with emotion, "I suppose I'm just apologizing for mine."

Blinking away the tears in my eyes, I frown, but listen when he continues.

"I don't regret the brief time we had together, and I meant it when I told you I never will. But I am sorry that I let it drive a wedge into our friendship. I-I got so anxious about ruining things with Tom; ruining things with Sophie. Tom, he's been such a friend to me, and Sophie, turbulent as it was, deserved better. It's why I kept my distance, why I wasn't there to prevent—at least, in part—some of the heartbreak you've endured. But it's torn at me, knowing I could've done something and never did. Knowing I've let you down in more ways than one."

There's a long, shuddering breath that leaves my body when he's finished, and there are several things I almost say. 'It's okay, Ben', 'thanks for saying that', 'I forgive you'. But those words sting on the tip of my tongue, and I force the falseness of them back down until I have something more authentic to offer him.

What Ben did, how he disappeared so completely from my life without some much as a goodbye will never be okay. And I while I understand his conflicted response to the affair, I can't say it justifies how alone I felt after things ended with Tom. There was also something about trying to forgive Ben when I'd barely figured out how to forgive myself; it was virtually impossible.

Ben shuffles on his feet, anxious. I can see him anticipating that my silence almost certainly means he'll receive a slap in the face. But looking him now, seeing how desperate he is to make this right, I can't bring myself to be angry. I'm suddenly to tired to pick a fight.

So I say nothing. A small, but genuine smile is all I can manage. Benedict seems to understand my decision to remain silent and, with a relieved sigh, accepts it with a nod before he leans down to kiss my forehead. He lingers there for a while, and when he finally moves away, I step forward to settle myself into waiting arms. His chin is immediately situated atop my head, nestled in the wild waves of my hair, while my cheek is pressed to the hollow of his chest, my fingers twisted in the fabric of his shirt sleeves.

"You always felt different," I say softly when I've stopped shivering. "Than anyone else. More safe somehow."

Benedict hums contently and then tightens his grip around my shoulders, shuddering a little himself.

"Kate?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you think Tom meant what he said and did to you that night, darling," Benedict whispers into my hair, and my blood turns to ice in my veins. "And, yes, what he did was... it was horrible and unforgivable, but if you ever want to move on, you need to know he didn't mean a line of it."

With I sharp gasp, I shove myself away from him, my hands hitting his chest hard enough to propel me several feet back. The anger I thought I was incapable of reigniting suddenly flares hot and bright in the pit of my stomach, my eyes stinging with hot tears.

It's the same all-consuming anger I felt all those months ago flooding my system, but now it's directed at the one man I thought for sure was in my corner.

"Kate—"

"Are you joking right now?" I ask, my bottom lip trembling as I start to see red. "'C-Cause if you are, it's really not funny."

"It's so much more complicated than you believe it is," Benedict tries to say, but I'm shaking my head. "There's more to the story."

"What are you talking about?" I seethe, grinding my teeth against each other as Ben frowns at me. "You were there. You saw everything, you know everything. And you're defending him?"

Ben's arms cross over his chest like a mini shield. "I'm not defending him. I just think that—"

I gape at him and ask, "How can you call yourself my friend and defend him? He fucked her. The love of my life fucked my ex-girlfriend at a charity event on purpose. To hurt me."

"No, Kate, he didn't," Ben states matter-of-factly, sending another wave of fury through my shaking body. "God, I should have told you this ages ago."

Finally feeling four glasses of wine I've imbibed, I growl, "After everything you said just now, after letting me stay in your house, you're gonna give me whiplash and fucking turn on me?"

"He was going to expose her," Ben blurted, sending another shockwave through the kitchen that already seemed to be thick with tension. "Jessica called me knowing she could never call you, and told me everything."

Staggering backwards at the mention of her name, I sway a little on my feet, slapping away the hands that reach to steady me when he starts towards me.

"Jessica?" I ask, and then I realize the reason why the name feels so strange on my lips is because I haven't said it out loud in literal months. "She—What? Called you?"

Benedict's softens his gaze long enough to grimace before removing the emotion from his face again. "Months ago, she called and told me a very drunk Tom blackmailed her into pretending to sleep with him so they'd get caught and make a scene. Said he threatened to reveal her sexuality if she didn't do it."