Learning to Live

Chapter 22

I didn't plan on telling Cynthia and Greg about the cancer like that. I wanted to sit them down and explain everything. I guess I blurted out the news just to make them stop arguing. I wanted to tell them that the real reason I was back was that I was going to die and I wanted to say my goodbye.

"How long have you known?" Cynthia asks, clearly on the verge of crying.

"A few months. I did a few courses of chemo, but it didn't work. They told me I have other treatment options but I declined them."

"Why would you do that? Don't you want to live?"

"I love living, I don't want to die but it cannot be operated on. So even though if I agreed to take those other treatments I would still die. So I choose to live for as long as I got." Shana steps forward, rests her head on my shoulder, and rubs my arm. Her consolation was all I needed right now, it was really nerve-racking to tell them the bad news like this.

Greg clears his throat, "You've got brain cancer?"

"Yeah."

"I'm still trying to process all of this. Oh Ian I can't lose you too." Cynthia said sitting next to me with tears flowing down her cheeks. She looks at me like my mother used to whenever I hurt myself playing in the back yard. I hug her tighter than I have ever before. I wish I could make her stop crying but letting her cry and let all of her emotions out is good, letting her cope with the current situation.

I know Greg's a quiet guy but not that quiet. Why wasn't he saying much? Was he in shock or just didn't care? I look at him over Cynthia's shoulder; we made eye contact for a quick second before he hurried to the back of the house.

I left Shana comforting Cynthia on the couch while I went searching for Greg. I know he was mad at me for not talking to them over the years, but after what I've just told them, I thought that he'd act differently.

I found him sitting on a wooden stump outside in the back yard. He didn't even know I was watching him. I wasn't spying on him, I was just a little anxious to approach him because I've never really talked to him one on one before.

To my surprise, he was crying. He was a big guy who didn't show much of his emotions, but seeing him like this made me think that even the toughest shell could crack. I slowly approach him not knowing how he'd react to me seeing him in his most vulnerable self.

He saw me approaching and quickly wipe away his tears. I sit next to him on another wooden stump. The garage door was open which reveal his motorcycle.

"You know when I was a kid I was obsessed with motorcycles and how they worked. I've always dreamt about owning one of my own when I grew up but now that I could really afford one, I lost interest. Never knew why but I think my dad dying had something to do with it because he loved bikes too and it just wouldn't be the same without him."

He looks at me with reddened eyes. "I didn't mean what I said. That when you didn't try to contact us felt like I was losing two sons instead of one. Ian I didn't mean it."

"No. I think you meant it and it hurt. I think it hurt because it was true."

"Now I'm truly going to lose two sons. Thia and I must be the most unlucky people in this country. We lost our son, friends and now our marriage is hanging on by a thread. You know for the last three years she's been in and out of the hospital five times for overdosing on pain meds. I don't know how much more of this I could take."

"I'm sorry I didn't know. Is she getting help?"

"She's seeing a therapist twice a week and we are going to a marriage counselor trying to fix this."

"At least you're doing something. You know I have a drinking problem. After Uncle Sam's I vow to never be like him, now look at me I'm a dying drunk."

"You are not like him, you'll never be. Sam's an old mean bastard. When did you start?"

"In college. I kept it a secret for years. Don't know how I got this far in my career as a drunkard but I'm getting the help I needed now. Wish I got help a lot sooner though."

"The only thing that matters is that you're getting the help you needed. You admitted you had a problem and you stepped up to fix it. That's what a real man does."

It was great talking to Greg. I spend the rest of the evening with him, talking about bikes and fixing the Mack. After all these years of not having any form of a fatherly bond, I finally had one with Greg.

The next day, we had breakfast like a family. Before I was used to having breakfast alone or on the go but this was definitely something to treasure.

Since Shana surprised me with this trip, I decided to surprise her as well with a picnic for lunch. I packed a basket with sandwiches, red wine, and grapes. We're going to spend the afternoon at a place I held close to my heart. It's a spot overlooking the ocean, hidden behind a large bushy fence. I lay out a blanket on the grass and set up the picnic, while she was still blindfolded.

"Come on Ian, where are we?" She laughs, about to take off the blindfold.

"Give me just a second, love," I answered, picking up a rose, a little gesture from our first date.

I loosen her blindfold and her eyes pop open. I give her the rose and she smiles, "It's lovely." She looks at the picnic setup on the ground. "You plan this all by yourself?"

"Yeah with some help from Cynthia."

"Well, you guys did a really great job. So what may I ask is the special occasion?" She said while we sit on the blanket.

"We haven't had a romantic outing in a long while. So I took the opportunity."

"I'm glad you did. This is so beautiful, what do you call this place?" She said looking at the ocean below.

"Siren's Bay. There's this old myth that sailors saw beautiful women with fish-like tails swimming near the shore."

"Wow. Why is it so special to you?"

"It's the first place I ran to the minute I found out my parents died. I was in school when the principal took me out of the classroom, Cynthia was already there. When they told me, I couldn't believe it. It was like someone pulled the rug from under me. I just wanted it all to disappear, so I ran here to the most peaceful place I knew."

"I'm really glad I get to see it again." She rests her head on my chest, gazing at the crystal blue ocean.

"Me too. Never thought I'd bring anyone here or ever get to see it again. It's a pity I have to go back to work on Monday."

"They are still letting you work on account of your condition?"

"The board doesn't know I have cancer. If they do, I will get voted out for being unfit to work and they'll find someone who is more suitable, even though if I'm the CEO. That's why I can't tell them just yet. I don't want to leave and give up everything I've worked so hard for."

Speaking about what might happen in the future was ruining my romantic outing with Shana, at least for me. I didn't bring her here to talk about sad things. "Let's not talk about that. I want to enjoy this moment." I put my arm around her.

"Okay." She kisses me on the forehead and stands. She stretches her arms out and the ocean breeze blew through her. Her white flowy dress danced and moved with the wind. The glow of the afternoon sun behind her made her look just like an angel. It made me think, she would look wonderful in a wedding dress.

That has never crossed my mind before, even though I love her more than anything in the world. It wouldn't be fair to her to marry a dying man. I'm sure it has never crossed her mind either because she's never really talked about it. It would be nice to see her walk down the aisle and exchange vows with me since I've never gotten that chance with Ashley.