I Lose My Voice When I Look At You

John O'Callaghan || Kisses and Fireworks

"I swear I think I'm going to turn into an icicle out here" I said, soft white trails of my breath making themselves visible in the cold December air. I turned to face my best friend, John O'Callaghan, and directed my attention away from the starry sky and onto the apples of his cheeks, which were a soft, rosy shade caused by the prolonged exposure to the cold. He exhaled a long breath of white air and turned his attention to me as well. We were stood on the balcony of a mutual friends house, stargazing into the vast Arizona sky. It was New Year's Eve and we had been invited to a big party to celebrate at the aforementioned friend's house. We didn't know many other people there, aside from the rest of the members of John's band, The Maine, and a couple other miscellaneous friends. John and I were the only ones outside on the balcony, whilst everyone else was enjoying the warmth, company, drinks and music indoors. John had originally suggested the idea of stargazing just before midnight, and we had occasionally drifted off into deep, existential conversations about the universe and life and the concept of a new year and other things of that nature.

"Here, take this." He said, and slipped out of his jacket. He was wearing a thick sweatshirt underneath and another long-sleeved shirt under that, so I didn't feel too guilty about accepting one of his former layers of warmth. I quickly put the jacket on and smiled softly when I felt the warmth of John's lingering body heat hugging my torso. "Perfect." John said, with a smile slowly spreading across his face. I felt my cheeks burning from the look he gave me, one full of adoration and infatuation. I only hoped he thought the crimson red color painting my face was from the cold wind sweeping across my skin, and not from my own reluctant blushing. John and I had been friends for the longest time, probably since we were about 6 and sat next to each other on the first day of first grade. Ever since I began to understand my own feelings I had had a sort of crush on him, which only grew over the years. As we matured through high school John had only grown more attractive and captivating to me. Although he had developed quite a reputation while we were in school, which now permeated into his reputation among the fans of his band, he was an amazing guy. Most people assumed he was an arrogant and shallow douchebag, and that he was a bit of a player when it came to relationships. But I knew better. Although he had never really had any serious relationships, I knew John was a deeply thoughtful and mature guy. He was simply waiting for the right girl. There was never a shortage of propositions made to him, phone numbers scrawled on napkins and passed his way or flirtatious glances sent in his direction. But John wasn't very receptive to these unrequited attempts at getting his attention. He already seemed to have his heart set on someone special, but I could never figure out who seeing as he didn't give many hints about this mystery girl that he was often caught daydreaming about. The real John that I knew was nothing like the words whispered about him in passing. He was sweet and gentle and thoughtful. He went out of his way to show how much he cared for the people he loved. He was playful and funny and free-spirited. He didn't much care for anyone else's opinions of him, he was completely and unapologetically himself. He was my best friend and, despite how badly I hoped and dreamed otherwise, I didn't think he would be anything more than that.

"Maeve?" He asked, breaking my concentration.

"Yes?" I answered, looking into his soft hazel eyes.

"Do you have any resolutions for the new year?" He tilted his head softly to one side, devoting his full attention to my pending answer.

"Well, I want to take more risks. Do more things that scare me. Get out of my comfort zone more often. Among other things, I really just want to start living without fears or anxieties. You?" He paused, contemplating his answer.

"I want to push myself more as well. Take more risks, create more beautiful things, put my heart into everything I do. I want to be a better, more 'me' version of myself."