Vikings Drabbles and Oneshots

Kitchen Nightmares: Kattegat Cafe Intro Headcannons

A/N: this is totally random and has only been written because I really love Gordon Ramsey and i couldn't stop thinking about a Restaurant for the Lothbroks lol! I'm just tagging some people who might like it. It's purely for laughing purposes lol granted I might write the episode out in novel like format because I think Gordon and Ivar facing off would be hilarious lol If you have never seen it my bad lmbo I have just been binge watching it and I love it lol

Ragnar: OwnerCooks 10% of the time, cheats on wife with waitresses, has fired his sons multiple times, doesn't like to take advice from anyone but Athlestan who has moved out of country and rarely calls.

Confessional: Hi, I'm Ragnar and me and my ex wife started this business about forty years ago. She left me and now I run Lothbrok Café with Aslaug (pauses) my wife.

(Camera cuts to Aslaug smoking in the back of the restaurant)

Ubbe: Mom, put that out. You can't smoke back here.

Confessional: She's a good woman. Everyone has flaws. (Eyes roll mischievously) I have five sons, all of which help run the restaurant in some form. There's Bjorn, Ubbe, Hvitserk, Sigurd, Ivar and my daughter Gyda. I reached out to Gordon Ramsey because my business is failing, I'm sure it's my fault. I left Aslaug and the children to run it for ten years. Graciously they allowed me to come back and the place is on chaos.

Aslaug: Owner/Wife of RagnarConstantly drinks on the clock and does payroll wrong every week, argues with Ragnar in front of customers, never in dress code, never knows any of the house wines but drinks them

Confessional: Hello, I'm Aslaug and I'm the owner. I came into this shithole about twenty-five years ago. And I have four sons. I love my husband. But, He's annoying. He doesn't help with the business at all. He flirts with customers.

(Camera cuts to Ragnar leaning against the bar handing the older woman a drink)

Ragnar: You know I own this place right, anything you want is on me... then hopefully you can be too.

Customer gasps in shock, tossing drink in his face leaving the bar.

Confessional: My sons have done well helping with this business. I like to stay at home and tend to the garden. I don't know how to cook. I don't serve. I don't greet customers well.

Customers enter the restaurant. Aslaug stares and turns to Ubbe whose perched against the counter talking to Gyda.

Aslaug: Ubbe, will you do your f*cking job.

Confessional: I just want the restaurant to be self-sufficient so I can shop and stay at home.

Bjorn: Front of House Manager Can cook but never does, prefers to lead the brigade but does so by executing old tactics that his father used when he was younger and they are not relevant, cheats on his wife with customers, complains about meals wont change them

Confessional: I work with the biggest group of fuck ups, and unfortunately, I'm kin to all of them. They fuck up orders because they are on their phones or better yet they are burning food because the customer asked for it to be cooked better. (Camera Shows Ivar) It should be nothing to offer the good people of Kattegat some f*cking good service.

Bjorn: Hey, Sigurd. Get off the phone and run the food to 63. I've told you six times dude! They've been waiting an hour.

Sigurd: Well, why didn't you run it yourself?

Confessional: (Deep sigh with eyes locked to the ground) I'm going to kill all of them one day. I swear it.

Gyda: Hostess The only honest child that Ragnar has and is the backbone of each familymember, greets every customer and cleans tables when Ubbe is missing

Confessional: I've worked here my entire life. I love this place. I love my brothers no matter how annoying they can be. I even like Aslaug, even though she has her moments.

Aslaug: Gyda, darling could you please do something about that damn music. It's horrid.

Gyda; Sure, what kind do you want?

Aslaug: (grips wine glass) Silence

Confessional: They are all stubborn, so he has his work cut off for him.

Ubbe: WaiterConstantly on his phone, always wants a raise but never really works, complains about sweeping the floors never cleans, argues with his brothers and then flirts with customers, has fucked three women in the back of the restaurant, doesn't really work, never knows the specials

Confessional: I get great tips, but It's not because the food is great. (winks at the camera) People come to the café to get hammered on our homemade mead and beer battered onion rings. I have a few friends that bring their families in and they always love it. The problem is the recipes haven't changed in over forty years and you can't tell my dad anything. He's stubborn. The food we serve here is mediocre and you can't tell him that because he doesn't care. And I love my dad but this is not a good look.

Ubbe: Dad, she said the steak is dry. (Slides Plate across the Counter)

Ragnar: Because you didn't pick it up twenty minutes ago when I called you. You never fucking listen to me kid. Stop thinking with your dick and do your job.

Ubbe: Yeah, definitely not the reason.

Ubbe Confessional: Yeah, Moral is great around here. You know. We all love each other.

Ivar: Man, will you fucking call your order! I'm not a damn psychic.

Ubbe: Smile Ivar.

Ivar: Fuck off. (Mumbling while stirring sauce on grill) Fucking asshole.

Hvitserk: Sous ChefHas memorized the entire menu and loves food, hates Ivar in the kitchen and loves working by himself when his dad is gone, doesn't know what medium rare is though, burns everything when asked for well done,

Confessional: I've always loved food. My dad always let me cook on the grill. He used to get blasted and then we'd grill steaks. One time we almost burned the house down. (Pauses) I don't know if I should have said that. This restaurant has to survive because it's the life blood of our family. We are known in Kattegat for our food and we have to survive. I have tried to change the menu but Bjorn is not for it.

Bjorn: What experience do you have? (pauses turning his head at Hvitserk) Cook the steak how it's supposed to be done.

Hvitserk rolls his eyes.

Confessional: I can't wait to cook with Mr. Ramsey and for him to tell my dad his recipes suck, and I cook better. Shit. (Pauses covering mouth) I wasn't supposed to say that either

Sigurd: WaiterWould literally burn it down if the insurance money was worth it

Confessional: I hate this place. I only work here because my parents said that I can't get my inheritance if the place fails. (Shrugs) The food is shit. The family is dysfunctional. The location is terrible. The menu is fucking erratic. I hate the customers. Anything else?

Sigurd: Ivar, where is the salad for table 50.

Ivar looks up and then back down.

Sigurd: Where is the fucking salad!

Ivar: Up your ass! Get the fuck out the kitchen.

Confessional: He can't save this place.

Ivar: Prep CookPlans a hostile takeover of the restaurant and secretly has been going to school for culinary arts and business

Confessional: I'm the easiest person here to get along with, I don't know why everyone says differently.

Ivar: Hvitserk, step on my fucking shoe again and I'm stuffing you in the fucking oven.

Hvitserk: Stay in the prep area.

Ivar: You've been fucking warned.

Confessional: I think that we should be rated higher than what we are but Hvitserk doesn't cook the food right. I'm just a fucking prep cook. I don't have enough (finger quotes) EXPEREINCE to fucking cook next to father. But he taught me when he was sober. Hvitserk is good but I have trained harder and longer and I think I should be the Sous chef. Gordon Ramsey will see, the whole world will see.