Falling In The Deep Blue

~42~ Empty

Trystan's P.o.v.

Darkness.

Thick, impenetrable darkness was surrounding me, swallowing me, leaving me not a single little light to hold on to, a flicker of hope that could guide me out of this hell.

The faint sound of voices reached my ears, though it sounded as if there was a layer of cotton stopping me from hearing things clearly.

I tried to open my eyes, but it felt like two heavy stones were lying on my eye-lids, making it impossible for me to take a look at my surroundings.

Darkness. Like arrows, aiming into nothingness, my thoughts were chasing around.

Where was I? What was happening?

Suddenly, the sound of a loud knock reached my ear.

"Trystan? Buddy? You alright in there?"

The familiar voice of my best friend went through my body like a wave of calmness. Keith was here. I was probably safe.

Finally, I was able to relax a little and open my eyes. 

I was staring at the ceiling of my room. The blinds were completely shut, not a single hint of light peeking through.

"Trystan!" Keith's voice came from behind the door. He sounded worried.

I tilted my head, wincing at the sharp pain that went through it. Did I have a hangover? What was wrong with me?

"Come in." I managed to rasp. My throat was as dry as a Californian summer.

A ray of light stretched onto the floor and I could make out Keith's tall silhouette in the door frame.

He reached out to turn on the light, causing me to squint my eyes at the sudden brightness.

"Jesus, you look horrible." Keith mumbled, shooting me another worried look.

"Thanks. What happened?"I replied, my voice still not quite sounding like mine. 

I needed to fill the blank spot that was in my mind. The last thing I remembered was...what was that actually? I had no idea.

"I don't know what happened to you man, you tell me! You turned up yesterday, completely out of it and went straight to bed." Keith crossed his arms, a deep wrinkle appearing between his eyebrows. 

"You didn't even reply when I talked to you. Where you drunk or stoned or something? What is going on with you?" He went on, taking a few steps towards me.

"I don't know, Keith. I seriously don't remember anything at all." I rubbed my forehead with my hand, as if that would help my memory.

Keith shook his head.

"You went swimming yesterday, at least that's what you told me."

"Alone?" I asked, the word itself made me painfully aware of a weird feeling inside me, that a part of me was missing.

Keith bit his lower lip. He looked like he was a little confused for a second, but then he said: "Yes, alone. Unless you lied."

"And why would I do that?" I asked, sitting up in my bed. Keith was being weird.

"I don't know. Just get ready okay? We have a surfing lesson to teach today." With those words, Keith walked out of the room. The door slammed shut behind him.

I groaned, rubbing my eyes. I had never felt like this before. It was like all the memories of the last few weeks were surrounded by some kind of fog, making it hard to see through and remember any details.

The surfing accident. How I had somehow ended up on that weird little island. Keith leaving for New York. Keith coming back home. Breaking up with Lea because I wasn't in love with her anymore. Going out to dive a couple of times. Surfing school. College.

It was all there, but it still felt like I was missing something. Something important. But I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was.

I just felt empty. Not quite like myself.

After I had forced some slices of toast down my throat - I did not have an appetite at all - I got ready for the surfing lesson.

For some reason, it felt weird being at the beach. The waves were calmly brushing over the sand and my feet, the cool water sending shivers up my legs. I didn't know why, but something about it just felt wrong.

I stared at the dark blue surface of the ocean for a while, wondering what was so different about it.

For some reason, the water didn't seem to attract me, pull me towards it like it usually did, no, this time, it felt more like there was something threatening about it.

The longer I was staring at the surface, the faster my heart was pounding in my chest. But I just couldn't look away. It felt like the ocean was staring back at me, warning me not to come any closer, or something terrible would happen.

Jesus, what was wrong with me?

"Come on, Trys, get in the water!" Keith shouted and I turned my head to look at him. He was already knee-deep in the water, his surfboard stuck under one arm.

Before I could even think about what I was saying, I just shook my head and said:"No."

"What do you mean, no?" Keith asked, tilting his head, while raising one eyebrow.

"I can't." I simply said, stepping backwards, so that the waves weren't touching my toes anymore.

My best friend gave me a confused look. If I could, I would have given myself one, too. I didn't understand my weird behaviour myself, but there was just something, some powerful force, which made it unable for me to be close to the ocean.

"What is up with you today? First you show up, not remembering anything of what happened yesterday and now you won't get into the water?"

He sounded angry, but I couldn't blame him.

"Stop being like this and just get this lesson over with, alright? Or did you forget how to swim, too?"

"No, I...I just..." I stuttered, not knowing what to say. I let my fingers run through my hair and over my forehead.

Trying to swallow the fear that had slowly crept up in my body ever since being at the beach, I stepped into the water, pulling my board alongside. Foot after foot, deeper and deeper.

Keith watched me, shaking his head at my weird behaviour.

Taking one deep breath, I let myself, even though every fiber of my body was screaming at me not to, fall into the water.

And then, after a few seconds of silence, I started screaming from the top of my lungs.