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Anyeong Tae,
How are you? Hmmm... if you read this letter means you asked about me, right? I'm happy, even if you asked about me weeks after we separated. Because that means you still remember me. Tae, you asked me if this feeling that I have for you is love or 'comfort', right? So here it is, several things I want to tell you about how you made me fell in love with you slowly by slowly.
When we met for the first time, I was hiding behind Appa since I'm still awkward to interact to other people. I was 6 at that time, wearing a grey chiffon dress and a flower crown that Eomma made me wear before meeting Abeonim and Eomeonim. You were wearing a soft blue shirt with cream-coloured khaki pants. Our parents introduced us to each other and told us to play together. You took me to your house garden and you helped me pushed the swing that made me laughed so freely. Slowly by slowly I opened up to you. As time goes by whenever our parents met we always left them even before they told us to play.
We entered the same elementary school, we both meet our own friends but we also still played together including with our new friends. on the third grade, the first time we're not in same class, it felt so different, I still have my friends but without you I feel like I lost a best friend. Do you remember how I always go to your class and borrow stuffs like pencil, eraser, ruler, books and even just for asking if you have any water. That's me trying to find a reason to meet you. The day I remember the most is when Woonhee suddenly ganged up with her friends and cornered me after my PE class. She asked me to stay away from you since she liked you, she doesn't like how I was sticking with you. She made fun of me, calling me names, as someone who never exposed to such words I was so shocked so I cried. I hid at the school garden after I told my teacher that I'm feeling unwell. You then found me since I didn't go to your class at lunch time. You patiently asked me what happened but I didn't told you any of it until you ran back to the canteen and asked the staff if you can get a milk ice cream for me. I remembered how it made me so happy that I started crying before I told you everything. Maybe, when you hugged me at that time or maybe when you brought back the milk ice cream while running so fast with your smile at that moment made my heart feel something. But as a kid I only feel it was only a fleeting crush.
When we were in middle school and high school is the time we don't really spent time with each other as much as we did as kids. Of course it all because we both experienced something new. You met with the boys and explored the boys world (oh of course I remembered that time when I went to your place to meet Eomeonim and found you and your friends holding those sacred magazines, yuck!), I met with the girls to talked about crushes and idols that we liked, but I never told anyone about how I felt about you, I want it to become my own secret. In high school we met with our current friends, I was busy with student council work programs and you busy with your extracurricular. What made me happy is that when we met each other we still talked and just bickering about anything. It made feel a bit special to be the one that see your different expressions. Those moments also the one who earned me a slap from your girlfriend at that time, Minjee. OHOHOHO THAT SLAP IS SO FUCKING HURT, EVEN WHEN I REMEMBERED IT AGAIN MADE ME ANGRY. ehem, back to the topic, she slapped me, I was angry and told her to stay away from me. You heard about it but how dare you to take her side when I'm the one who was being slapped?? As she fed those wicked thought to you about how I obsessed with you that's why I don't have a boyfriend (which kinda true but I AM NOT OBSESSED, OKAY!!) we grew apart for the whole year. I met Jihoon, I did felt something for him for all that months being together. But he cheated, lol man sucks, except you, well at that time you also sucks bye. You broke up with Minjee, we hang out together again and finally we graduated.
We finally entered the last education stage in our life, university, we enter different uni since we have different interest. I became popular (kinda obvious with how friendly I am), you became popular since you're super good looking plus your husky voice, oh my, I miss your voice! I kinda feel bad with all those boys that I rejected just for a man that only meet me occasionally and even have a girlfriend. But that night when we all hang out on our last year of uni, I was so drunk and finally blurted out so many things that I kept in my heart for a long time when you brought me back to my apartment. When I remembered that it was so embarrassing hoho, sorry to surprise you like that, didn't see that coming, huh? But I forgot it on the next day of course, I noticed how weird you act but I didn't know why since as you knew I literally forgot any drunk moments for 2 days. You kept glancing at me when we met on that day, while I was sipping my hot cocoa calmly. You tried to talk about it with asking about that night you brought me home and I replied with innocent reason that I don't have any recollection about anything. I even asked you to tell me what did I do to make you become so careful like that but you only sighed and left me (wth, Tae!!). The next day, I finally got my memories back, I just about to sleep when they hit me hard. I screamed to my pillow at my stupidity and spent the next few days avoiding you, sorry he. You knew at that time my memories were back, you tried to meet me which I always used my final projects as a reason. You even went to my uni but I left from another entrance gate, it took 7 days until you finally snapped and waited for me in front of my apartment door for hours. We talked that night, I finally confessed everything. Truth are being untold that night. You finally shared your secret with how you used to have a crush on me in middle school, how Jihoon's cheating made him so mad, how my drunken words made you realised those moments when you saw me as a woman. That night, we finally decided to be true to each other and be together. The rest of it, you know it, since we experienced everything together.
How is it? My memories of our stories are very good, huh? Do you notice how even when you did bare minimum I keep falling in love deeper with you? You don't have to do anything to me with any intention to make me your girlfriend but I still fall in love with you. Every small moments that we always made me reminisce those moments and makes me fall in love again and again. Like now, when I wrote this letter to you, I supposed to be broken-hearted but I can't even cursed you or said something that hurt you because I never want to make you feel any pain.
Tae, if you really don't love me, that's fine. I cherished all those moments that I shared with you. I'm fine with this memories. You may find someone new, like Irene, that's fine. The last thing I want to make you feel is to feel pressured by my love. I'm fine with you hating me but I'm afraid that you'll ignore me. Worst feeling for me is when someone that you care ignores you. Since when you hate someone you still notice that person. But when you ignore someone you just don't feel any attachment for that person anymore.
This will take time for me to box my feelings for you, that's why I'm leaving for I don't know how long. Don't feel bad about this. You must continue your life. I cut off my social medias, emails, everything during this time, but don't worry, I'll be fine.
Thank you for being someone that walked with me in my life journey, it's unfortunate to not having you by my side again. Once I comeback we can be the 6-year-olds us. Play together with innocent feeling, with only small amount of love as we care about each other as friends.
So this is the last time that I can said it to you, well write it to you.
I love you, Kim Taehyung. I love how everyday I discovered new things that I love about you and how things you did made me fall in love again. I love our memories.
That's it! See you again one day!
From Kim Jennie
P.S. I hope the girls didn't give you hard times because I know how scary they can be hehe
P.P.S. send my love to Abeonim and Eomeonim! You can tell them the truth, thay'll understand! I already told Appa and Umma about this so don't worry.
P.P.P.S. Promise me you'll have a happy life, okay?
———
Taehyung folds the letter that already crumpled as he read it every night before he goes to sleep for the whole month. He holds the letter as he lays on the bed. The silence of the room witness the fall of Kim Taehyung with pity. The man's soul slowly by slowly eaten by sadness that all left is a shell of human that won't even leave his home. Taehyung eyes focus at nothing, his mind is full of that woman's memories. A loud voice suddenly startled silence who was watching the man. Taehyung picks his phone from the bedside table and answers it without looking at the caller name.
