~My Dear~

Part II

 I watched him lean in and press his lips firmly against hers. My breathing slowed. The moment wasn’t like in the movies where everything stops and all you can see is them. No. Everything continued on around me. The rest of my troupe continued to stretch and giggle away their nerves; the backstage crew continued going about their jobs, some speaking softly into headsets; and Quentin continued to kiss her. It was worse than if everything had frozen. It was as if no one cared that this moment, that kiss, was tearing away from me what little shred of happiness I’d thought I had finally achieved.

 

 I couldn’t tear my eyes away as I watched Quentin cup his hand against her face and Thea, in turn, wrap her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. I could feel the familiar sting of tears behind my eyes. My throat hurt. Neither of them noticed me though they couldn’t be but ten feet away. They probably thought they were alone and shrouded enough by darkness that no one would see them. Or maybe they just didn’t care.

 

 “Girls, you’re up.” Whispered Mrs. Hawe, the backstage manager.

 

 The four other members of my dance troupe began our glide out onto the stage, big smiles on their faces, arms connected behind their backs, and toes pointed perfectly. I followed them, having no choice but to return to the rest of the world that wasn’t experiencing my heartbreak.

 

 I mimicked their motions, even plastering the smile on my face. The audience would be too far away to notice it wasn’t real anyway. We turned our backs to the audience, moving in unison and beginning with the adagio. One leg dipped down to meet the floor and the other pushed out straight to move circularly from left to right as our backs bent backwards towards the audience and our arms moved to create ovals around our heads. I ignored the tears leaving tracks down my cheeks and surely mixing with the glitter on my face. I let my smile disappear into a more serene mask to follow the music.

 

 We each bounced up lightly, one after the other after me. The music continued soft and sweet. I spun, performing a fouette. We changed positions, creating an arrow that pointed away from the audience by chassaing and ending with me at its point. In synchronization, we all performed five pirouettes, kicking our legs as high as we could, as we moved across the stage. I sissonned twice as the other girls froze with their legs in the air. Then, one after the other, we leaned forward, letting one of our legs fly backwards and up and letting our arms gracefully slide out like wings. A few of my tears dropped onto the hardwood.

 

 We were almost there. I returned my foot to the ground and my hands to my side. I positioned my arms with my hands almost touching the front of my hips and took a few steps forward, then I spun in four circles, twisting around the other girls as they twisted around me. It probably looked gorgeous from the audience. That’s how it was supposed to look. I didn’t feel gorgeous, though. We stopped with one leg pointed outward and our arms raised above our heads.

 

 As the final note rang out in the song, I let my body fall to complete the death drop, my arms spread out from my body and one leg tucked up next to me. All I heard was the heavy thud of our bodies, then there was nothing but applause.

 

 I couldn’t bring myself to care. I didn’t want anyone to see that I’d been crying, so I was the first one off the stage. I cleaned myself up in the bathroom. When I left, I had the same fake smile plastered on my face as when I entered the stage. I made it more convincing this time though. I joined the rest of my troupe who had gathered with the other contestants who had also completed their acts. Molly smiled at me as she looked up from untying her ballet shoes. I pretended like nothing was wrong, for her sake. They were all so happy, that I didn’t want to ruin it with my misfortune.