A STUDY IN SINK

SEVERAL HOURS LATER...

The submarine was making its way across the bottom of the Atlantic. Hank and Katherine were doing science in one end, and John Green was at the helm, steering the ship.

Benedict Cumberbatch sat behind him, looking Cumberbatchly.

“It’s warm in here,” said Benedict Cumberbacth. “Isn’t it?”

“I can have Hank turn on the air,” John Green said. “They control that on the science end of the ship.”

“No, no. I like it. I’m just going to take my shirt off.”

“Whatever you want,” John Green said, steering the submarine around an octopus. “Make yourself comfortable. We’ll be there in a few hours.”

“We’re very . . . alone down here,” Benedict Cumberbatch said. “Aren’t we?”

“I guess.”

“It’s nice, isn’t it, John? The world above can be so . . . hectic. So . . . stupid.”

John Green felt Benedict Cumberbatch looming just behind his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” said John Green.

“Okay? It should be more than okay, John. John, you know, you’re the only one I can really rely on. I realize I may be a high-functioning sociopath, but I do have . . . feelings. Do you have feelings, John?”

Benedict Cumberbatch put his hand on John Green’s shoulder. John Green gripped the wheel and steered the submarine around a treasure chest on the sea floor.

“Nope,” John Green said.

"I think you’re lying. I’ve been watching you, remember? You are made of feelings. You cried whilst reading the Staples catalog.”

“Look, I just think it’s nice that people put so much thought into office supplies.”

“John, John…” Benedict Cumberbatch was at his most Cumberbatchly. His cheekbones glinted in the sealight. “Don’t deny your feelings.”

He leaned in closer…

           

On the other side of the ship, Hank and Katherine Green watched this through the ship-o-vision and high-fived.

“Why do you fight this, John?” Benedict Cumberbatch said, ripping off his shirt again. “After all we’ve been through?”

“A number of reasons, really,” John Green said. “Being married is one. That you seem to think you’re a fictional character in a fanfic is another.”

“What’s a number but a number?” Benedict Cumberbatch said. “Let me show you a number . . .”

“Nope,” John Green said. “Nope. I don’t even know what that means, but nope.”

“I’ve dreamed of this moment for so long,” Benedict Cumberbatch said. “Oh, John. With your . . . hair. And . . . face. And . . . oh, John. My one and only John Watson.”

The Cumberlips approached John Green’s lips, ready to produce one of the greatest kisses ever kissed at the bottom of the sea . . .

On the other side of the ship, Hank and Katherine Green watched this through the ship-o-vision and high-fived again.

Just as their lips were about to touch, John Green put up his hand.

“You know there’s more than one John, right?” John Green said.

Benedict Cumberbatch froze.

“What?”

“I’m John Green. You may be thinking of John Watson. If the fanfic is true, anyway. And fanfic is always true.”

“John, what are you saying?”

“I’m saying you have the wrong John.”

Benedict Cumberbatch stumbled backwards in shock, striking his head on the wall as he did so and knocking himself out.

“How did you just knock yourself out on an inflatable wall?” John Green asked.

But there was no time to think about that, because all of the inflatable alarms began to go off, and Hank hurried in in his inflatable hot tub.

HE HIT THE DEFLATE BUTTON. WE’RE DEFLATING.

“Why does your inflatable submarine have a deflate button? Also, why don’t you ever have quotes around the things you say?”

THIS IS NO TIME FOR QUESTIONS, JOHN. WE’RE DEFLATING. KATHERINE JUST DID THE MATH AND WORKED OUT THAT WE HAVE FOUR MINUTES BEFORE THIS SUBMARINE DEFLATES ENTIRELY.

“I knew this was a terrible plan!”

Benedict Cumberbatch stirred and got to his feet.

“I’m . . . I’m Benedict Cumberbatch!”

“There it is,” John Green said. “Now he realizes.”

“Where am I?” Benedict Cumberbatch asked.

AT THE BOTTOM OF THE ATLANTIC OCEAN IN AN INFLATIABLE SUBMARINE THAT WILL DEFLATE IN UNDER FOUR MINUTES.

“Then we haven’t much time,” Benedict Cumberbatch said. “Where are the manual inflation points?”

Katherine immediately pulled out a diagram showing where all those little nubbin-things-that-you-can-use-to-blow-things-up were located.

IT’S A NICE THOUGHT, said Hank Green, BUT NO ONE CAN BLOW THIS ENTIRE SHIP UP NOW.

“I have an actor’s lungs! I can blow this whole ship!”

Benedict Cumberbatch snatched the map from Katherine and began blowing up the ship, point by point, while Hank and Katherine watched. John decided not to look.

YOU KNOW, said Hank, WHEN YOU’RE ON A PLANE AND THEY SHOW YOU THE SAFETY DEMONSTRATION? AND THEY SHOW YOU HOW YOU HAVE A LIFE VEST UNDER YOUR SEAT? AND HOW IT SHOULD INFLATE AUTOMATICALLY IN WATER BUT IF IT DOESN’T YOU CAN TOP IT UP BY BLOWING INTO THE TUBE ON THE SIDE? I ALWAYS USED TO THINK THAT IF I WAS IN THE OCEAN WITH SOME STUPID INFLATABLE THING KEEPING ME ALIVE I WOULDN’T WANT TO HAVE TO RELY ON BLOWING INTO A LITTLE TUBE.

“And yet,” said John, “here we are. I guess . . . I guess we should say something? Like, how much we love each other? Because, I love you, man. You’re the best brother and…”

“I’m going to have to take off all my clothes to do this!” said Benedict Cumberbatch called, from somewhere in the depths of the ship.

“I can’t believe this is how I die,” John said.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? KATERINE INSTALLED A BACKUP SYSTEM. SHE JUST TURNED IT ON.

Katherine was, in fact, standing next to the button marked Backup Inflation System.

DID YOU THINK WE’D HAVE AN INFLATIBLE SUBMARINE THAT DIDN’T HAVE A BACKUP INFLATION SYSTEM? THAT’S WHY I JUST TOLD YOU THAT STORY ABOUT BEING IN THE OCEAN AND HAVING TO BLOW UP MY VEST WITH A TUBE.

“So should we stop him?” John Green said, as Benedict Cumberbatch blew away.

I DON’T THINK SO. HE LOOKS SO HAPPY.

In the background, Benedict Cumberbatch passed out.