All That Remains

I need to write this somewhere

I feel so heavy.

Most of the heavyness is in my chest. Every word, every look, every exasperated sigh people give me makes it heavy. So heavy I feel like crumbling into ash and flying away in the wind, becoming the nothing I think people see me as. Maybe they don't think those things, but my brain tells me they do. It wants me to off myself. Sometimes I agree.

I crave attention. Not the dramatic attention in highschool drama, but empathy. I desperately want people to understand and to know who I am, or rather, who I want to be. In am ideal world I have perfect hair and teeth and the scars on my wrist disappear when I want them to and I don't cry when people yell at me and I never give into anger and I don't think about killing the people I love while they're verbally abusing me and everyone loves me. But I'm reality I'm the opposite of all those things and I don't know how to talk to people or how to make them stay.

Everyone is leaving me and the ones I want to -need to- leave are suffocating me under expectations I cannot fufil. 

I feel too much. And I'm paranoid. When someone is mad, I think they're mad at me and I stress over what I've done wrong. When I message my best friends and it takes them three days to read the message and a week to respond, part of me knows that they don't love me. But I love them. More than anything. I can't stop. Sometimes it becomes an obsession and the more and more I reach out to them the farther away they seem and the more I want to die. But I can't, I won't ever, tell them that. I know that's being manipulative and I could never do that to someone I love.

I want to die so much but I'm terrified that no one will care. That I'll disappear and everyone that I have ever loved will forget about me. But I don't want them to hurt when they think of me, so on the possibly that they will never forget, I can't die.

I just want to turn everything off. Stop thinking, stop caring, stop loving. 

I need help.