Trust Issues

I Fall Apart

"Sʜᴇ ᴛᴏʟᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴛʜᴀᴛ I'ᴍ ɴᴏᴛ ᴇɴᴏᴜɢʜ.."

He still remembered the day she'd said those words. The day had started off so well. He'd sold some photos to the Daily Bugle, aced that one exam he'd been stressing over, and crime had been at an all time low for the moment. He had extra cash in his pocket and a skip in his step. All he had thought of was her- he'd thought about buying her some flowers or maybe some chocolates. He'd been skipping on dates far too much and she didn't know why. He couldn't tell her just yet. He would never get to tell her anyway.

He swore his heart shattered the minute the words left her mouth. She'd said it so simply- so easily. It was as if their time together had meant nothing. As if they hadn't spent late nights talking about what their future might hold- like he hadn't given her every single last bit of him.

"You're just not enough for me anymore, Peter. I don't want this anymore."

"What?", was all he'd been able to respond with as he watched the world as he knew it, fall apart.

"Aɴᴅ sʜᴇ ʟᴇғᴛ ᴍᴇ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴀ ʙʀᴏᴋᴇɴ ʜᴇᴀʀᴛ.."

He wasn't sure what to do- what to make of this. What was this? What was it that she didn't want? Was it him- it had to be didn't it? Where had he gone wrong with this- with her? He loved with all he had- with all his heart. He always made up for his missed dates and broken promises. He had good intentions- juggling his hero life and normal life was sometimes a little difficult. When crime picked up, he was all scrambled. He couldn't help it- and he couldn't just let people get hurt or die because his love life was in the way. He just couldn't, it would be selfish of him- but oh how he wished he'd been a little selfish. Maybe all this wouldn't have happened. Or maybe he could've seen the signs and could've pulled himself away before he got burned.

"I'm cheating on you.", she'd said. There was no emotion in her voice, no regret or mercy.

A nervous laugh left him, "You're what- no. No you're- you're joking..right?"

All she had to do was shake her head and he swore he broke more. It wasn't just his world that was breaking, it was him. He was falling apart.

"Sʜᴇ ғᴏᴏʟᴇᴅ ᴍᴇ ᴛᴡɪᴄᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ɪᴛ's ᴀʟʟ ᴍʏ ғᴀᴜʟᴛ..."

How could she say that so easily? How could she tear him apart and not feel a damn thing?

"I am.", she said it with ease. Still no emotion. No regret.

"For..for how long?", it was the worst question to ask, he knew this- but he had to ask it.

"A few months." A simple enough answer, but it didn't hurt any less. In fact- it hurt more. It wasn't a short term thing- it'd been happening for awhile. There were nights he'd spent thinking of her- meanwhile she was with someone else. There were days when he'd kissed her with all the passion in his heart- and she'd leave him to go kiss another. Oh god- it burned. Why wasn't he enough?

"Sʜᴇ ᴄᴜᴛ ᴛᴏᴏ ᴅᴇᴇᴘ, ɴᴏᴡ sʜᴇ ʟᴇғᴛ ᴍᴇ sᴄᴀʀʀᴇᴅ.."

He didn't understand it- how could anyone knowingly hurt another like this? How could she string him along- take his heart and soul and go off with another while his back was turned.

"I-I don't..why?", he'd asked.

"I told you. I don't want this anymore. I haven't wanted it for months. We're just not working out.", she said it with a wave of her hand- like he was burdening her with his questions and very presence. Where had the love gone? Was there any to begin with? Just weeks ago, she'd told him of how she imagined them moving in together. She spoke on how life together like that would be- making him dinner or baking with him.

What happened?

"Nᴏᴡ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ's sᴏ ᴍᴀɴʏ ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛs ɢᴏɪɴ' ᴛʜʀᴏᴜɢʜ ᴍʏ ʙʀᴀɪɴ, ᴀɴᴅ I'ᴍ ᴛᴀᴋɪɴɢ ᴛʜᴇsᴇ sʜᴏᴛs ʟɪᴋᴇ ɪᴛ's ɴᴏᴠᴀᴄᴀɴᴇ, ʏᴇᴀʜ.."

Who knew this would end up hurting this bad? He guessed this was the part of love he had to learn about one way or another. This was the ache everyone warned him about. The burn- the pain. Nothing was enough to mask it, really. He'd rather be beaten down by every criminal he's ever faced in New York than feel this. He'd slam himself into every single damned billboard if it made this go away. He'd drink until he dropped if it brought her back- if it made all this reverse itself and never happen.

Life didn't work that way though. Life was far from fair- and it seemed like it loved to taunt him. It loved to give him happiness and love- and then rip it from him. It enjoyed leaving him to bleed out from the hole in his chest.

Maybe he was an awful person in some other life..

"Oᴏᴏʜ, I ғᴀʟʟ ᴀᴘᴀʀᴛ, ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴛᴏ ᴍʏ ᴄᴏʀᴇ.."

She was gone. She tore him limb from limb with no emotion on her face. She left him to fall apart and cave in on himself. She never gave him a proper reason- never explained in detail why she went from loving him so dearly to ripping his heart out from his chest. She took everything he had to offer and left him all by his lonesome. She brought him to his knees, pointed a gun to his head and pulled the trigger. No remorse, no mercy.

No apology. She wasn't sorry- she didn't care. He'd sold his soul to the devil- to her, and there were no returns. She was off with another, happy as ever.

He wasn't sure what to do with himself- what to make of this. How do you come back from this- from the dead? Without becoming a zombie or trapped in the shell of your former self? Who was he before her- what was life like before her? He couldn't recall- but now he'd have to learn what life was like after her. He'd have to figure out who he was without her. He had to do it all alone.

"Tᴇʟʟ ᴍᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ᴍᴇ ɴᴏ ᴍᴏʀᴇ, ʙᴜᴛ I ᴄᴀɴ'ᴛ ʟᴇᴛ ɢᴏ.."

Let go let go- why was that so hard? She wasn't here anymore- he hadn't seen her in months- but yet he could remember every detail of her like he'd seen her just moments ago. Her scent still lingered in his freshly washed sheets. He could still feel her soft skin beneath his fingertips- her head pressed against his chest. It was all still there. He couldn't forget- and damn he tried. He tried so fucking hard. He thought that- maybe if he let some criminals land a few good hits, it'd cause enough hurt to make her memory fade away. Maybe if he took enough shots, he'd forget- but none of it worked.

He didn't realize it wasn't working until he landed face down on the concrete, blood in his mouth and her memory still playing in his head, smiling at him.

"I love you, Peter.."

Bullshit-

"Yᴏᴜ sᴀɪᴅ ɪᴛ. Nᴏ, ʏᴏᴜ sᴀɪᴅ ɪᴛ. Nᴏ, ʏᴏᴜ sᴀɪᴅ ɪᴛ, ᴡᴇ'ᴅ ʙᴇ ᴛᴏɢᴇᴛʜᴇʀ.."

He stared down at his desk, trying to piece himself together- at least enough to focus on what the professor was saying. He wasn't sure how he was managing to stay afloat in his studies- hell, he wasn't even sure how he was still breathing. Months and months and still, he wasn't okay. He was still on his knees, begging the world for mercy. It was pathetic- he told himself that over and over again, but it didn't fix anything. Nothing was fixing this. Nothing was fixing him- he was a shell of his former self..

Pathetic..

"Yᴏᴜ ᴡᴀs ᴍʏ sʜᴏʀᴛʏ, I ᴛʜᴏᴜɢʜᴛ.."

Focus- please focus. He needed to focus- he needed to. The professor was still talking to the class. He only heard bits and pieces though. Something about a project? Hopefully not a group one-

"Peter Parker, you're paired up with [Y/n]...", the professor went on to name more pairs, but he only heard that. It was all he needed to hear, really. He would pull himself together enough to finish this project with you- and then let himself fall when you were gone. You didn't deserve to fail because he'd let his love break him.

Oh- but that name of yours. That face of yours- you.

You would change him..