Slam Poems

✨Imagination✨

Do you ever feel like you just hate yourself, and that you want to run away from everything that's happened but you can't because your stuck right there...and you'll always be stuck right there...

That's how I feel every god damn day of my life. I'll-I'll wake up in the morning, all happy and shit and then I'll remember who I am and what I've done and the legacy that I've carried on...that horrible, putrid legacy that I've grown to get used to.

Everyday of my life I'll wake up to someone hating me, whether it's just a person online or it's someone I know or if it's my own friends and family.

Everyday I'll see that horrible, tear stained, red, misshapen, flawed face in the mirror when I walk into the bathroom, and try to make it better. I try and try to see if I could just make it better in one tiny way or one big way, but then I realize I don't know shit about how to fix something that's broken so I leave my face alone and just splash water on my face hoping no one will notice.

Everyday I take a shower or get dressed, trying to cover up or wash off the memories, to get rid of the thoughts of how, when, and where I'll just end it all and cover up or wash away the fact that I just want this to be over with, and try to get rid off the fact that I want all of this and that I was only eleven years old when I started having these thoughts.

Every morning I either lay in bed or sit at my desk pondering of why I even exist, or maybe I'll go to school and get even more rejected by the people that barely know me for me. The people that are technically exposing themselves when they talk shit about me but I take it personally anyway because when I hear it I believe it's true.

But the biggest part about every morning is that when I realize who I am I put an instant mask on of happiness or anger or disgust just to get rid off the fact that when you take the mask off all you see if fear...and sadness....and darkness...in this never ending void of possibilities of how I might end it all just to get it over with.

You tell me suicide is a permanent solution  to a temporary problem. I tell you that it's a temporary solution to a permanent problem. Because I know that I'll just wake up the next morning....and see that it was a dream...and the cycle of agony and despair never ends because I know, if I commit suicide today it'll just be a dream, and I'll just wake up again because I've buried myself so deep into my imagination to get away from my problems that I don't know how to get out..and I just dig myself deeper, trying to find a way back into my reality...

I've dug so deep into my own mind that I can't see the light for what it is. I can't see the colors of the birds for what they are. I can't see you or her or anybody for what we are. But I see myself, and all I see is a depressed kid who can't control themself.

My imagination is the death of me. And through this cycle of despair and depression and anxiety, it'll be the death of me ten times over, but no one will care. They never ask about me. I always ask about them. I've devoted for time to my friends and my family and even my enemies then I have to my well being.