A Sexual Awakening

7) Trauma

I lock my apartment door and Victoria begins taking my decorations out of the bags.

I jump at the sound of what sounds like an explosion.

"Oh my gosh! What is that?!" I scream. I cover my ears and close my eyes.

The sound continues.

Victoria rushes over to me and hugs me. "Oh babe, it's just fireworks."

I start crying.

It sounds more like a bomb than fireworks.

I start crying. I can only think about my concert.
"Ariana, hey, hey..."

I tune her out and just start crying into her shoulder.

I tightly grab the back of her shirt and grip on to it. I sink to the floor and cry some more.
Eventually, I break free from her grip and go upstairs to my room.

I need my...

"Ariana? Babe. Please don't cry it's just ch-"

I can't even hear Victoria between my sobs. I felt like I couldn't breathe. It was just like that night. When twenty three people died because of me.

I felt her hug me. "Babe."

"I...I need..." I sob.

"What do you need?"

"What don't I need?" I choke out.

"Ariana, please let me help you."

"I need....I need Mac. He was here last time this happened."

I hear her gasp.

"I need...I-I."

"You need?"

"I need my medicine."

"Where is it? I'll find it."

I shake my head. "It's no use," I cry. "If your therapist gave it to you then, yes it is." I shake my head. "No Vic. Me taking that medicine, it doesn't bring those innocent people back and it doesn't do anything but keep me from going crazy until the next time I do."

The fireworks go off again and I cover my ears and sob into my chest. All I can see is my fans scrambling and screaming at the sound of the bombs going off. I remember someone rushing me off the stage.

Me and Scott make eye contact and laugh to each other as we dance. The crowd is going crazy. I love them. I love this.

After a few more tunes I finish up the show and wish my babes a good night. The look on their faces fill my heart with joy. They look so happy and filled with excitement.

I wave again and watch them begin wave back and gather their belongings. I blow them a kiss before the sound of an explosion fills the stadium.

The sound goes off again and I watch the people in the stadium run and scream. I can't process what's going on.

I feel like I can't breathe as someone grabs me and runs me off the stage. "Hey, hey Ariana." I can't even process what is being said to me because all can hear are explosions, screams and my own sobs.

Later on I found out that my own fans had died. All they wanted to do was watch me put on a show for them and it turned into the last breathe they would ever take.

I couldn't do this anymore. I couldn't be the Ariana who performs for people.

I gasp and take my face out of the pillow. I take a few heavy breaths and realize that the fireworks have ended. My face feels hot and my throat burns from the tears. I look down at my pillow with a huge wet spot on it and then I look around the room. Victoria sits at the edge of the bed.

She turns around, yet doesn't say anything. I don't know what to say so I grab my things to wash myself.

—
I come out of the bathroom refreshed and Victoria is no longer in my room. Perhaps she left.

I crawl under my covers and get cozy. I hear two taps on the door. "Ariana?" Victoria is still here. She opens the door. She had Piggy Smallz in her hand. "How are you?" I shrug, "Better."

"Well that's a start," She states. "I'm sorry about that episode, I don't know what happened."

She looks at me, "Hey, you don't need to apologize for anything." She sets Piggy down on the bed and he quickly runs over to me and sniffs my chest. "Do you want me to like, stay the night?" "It's late. Don't you wanna go home?" She shakes her head.

After about ten minutes of arguing, it was clear that Victoria wasn't going anywhere. She washed herself and crawled into bed next to me. Piggy Smallz was back in his crib, so it was just silence between Victoria and I.

"Ariana?" I don't answer. "Ariana?" "Yea?" "Are you ok?" "I think so?" "Okay."

After we share a few moments of silence, Victoria breaks it again. "I just...wish you were more open about it. It still bothers you."

"I was open about it. For a very, very long time Vic. I cried every day for so long and I went to therapy and I vented about it over and over again. My sadness doesn't fix anything though. It's always going to bother me." I say, trying to stop the tears from forming in eyes.

She nods, "I understand." I turn over on my side. Shortly afterwards, I feel Victoria get closer and cuddle me.

For the first time in like four hours, I finally felt safe.