My book about Haters - english version

4. My own experiences

4. My own experiences

As a little child I got bullied. We’ve never had much money so I always wore my bigger brother’s old clothes. Personally I didn’t have any problem with that. In addition I’ve always been very ambitious and I always tried to write good grades – what I did. The first years of school nobody had a problem with that.

In third grade things changed and a new kid came into my class. She didn’t like me at all and so she always bullied me because of my clothes and called me a nerd. Then there was a point where everyone decided to be on her side so they all insulted me every day.

In the beginning I talked with my parents about it and this helped me a lot but during third class they divorced so I didn’t want to put even more pressure on them. The last person I could’ve talked to was my bigger brother but as he’s only 1½ years older than me he’s been pretty young too. So I didn’t talk to anyone about it and this kinda broke me.

My only ray of hope was the beginning of fifth grade. A new school and a new beginning. But it didn’t get any better. The years where I couldn’t talk to anyone where really hard and I began to eat in frustration. So when fifth grade started I had put on some weight. I wasn’t fat at all but I wasn’t skinny either and I’ve still had my great grades. So I changed from ‚the nerd with the old clothes‘ to ‚the fat nerd who’s eating all day.‘

My life continued like this for two other years. Then I was put in a new class. Everything seemed to get better. School was perfect. I found lots of new friends without writing worse grades or loosing weight. They accepted me how I am.

But then puberty came. Arguments with the parents are normal in this time but as I’ve alway been a „daddy-child“  it was even harder to deal with my mum. We always argued and yelled at each other. One day I decided to live with my dad and my stepmother.

This has been the most amazing time of my life. I got on well with my stepmother. I’ve always had my dad around and on the weekends I visited my mum with whom I had a much better relationship because we didn’t have the opportunity to annoy each other 24/7. In school everything was still amazing. What else could I want?

After about ½ year my stepmother started ignoring me and I still have no idea why she did this. The next two or three months I tried to fix this and I did everything to impress my stepmother. I cleaned the whole apartment twice a week, I cooked and I tried everything to make her life as comfortable as possible. I just wanted her to talk to me again and to fool around with me like she used to. But nothing worked. So I decided to go back to my mum because I didn’t want to live with someone who ignores me.

Back at my mum’s the arguments began again. Luckily not as bad as earlier but we were still arguing a lot. Since I moved back to my mum I hardly see my dad. Sometimes I don’t have contact with him for several months.

Earlier my parents got on well with each other. They seemed like friends but after all my movements they didn’t really talk to each other. I feel like I broke their „friendship“ if you can call it like that.

Sometimes I feel like I should’ve stayed at my dad’s but I don’t think that I could’ve handled this. Living with a person who is ignoring me and who hurt me. I trusted my stepmother and she didn’t give a fuck about my feelings.

I often thought about commiting suicide but I just couldn’t. Because of my brother. My brother and I don’t have a great relationship either. We are also fighting a lot and sometimes we don’t even talk to each other for days but I know that I can always count on him.

I know that especially the end doesn’t have much to do with bullying or something like that but with this I wanted to show you that there’s always a reason to go on. For me it was my brother and for many others it is the favourite band or singer or the best friend. You don’t only fight for yourself but for everyone you love and everyone who loves you. Never stop fighting.