Ripped Away

Chapter 17

John allowed me to stay. He got so fed up with the conversation that he just told us not to say anything about Richie being gay. Then he walked away and left us alone. I spent the next ten minutes listening to Sal apologize for what an asshole John was.

"You ready?" Sal asked when he noticed the line by the casket thinning out.

We walked over, hand in hand, and waited for the last people to walk away. When it was our turn, I couldn't look. I closed my eyes and squeezed Sal's hand tightly.

"You can look, Noah. It's okay. He looks fine." Sal said as his voice cracked while he tried to hold himself together.

I slowly allowed myself to open my eyes; and I felt my heart breaking again.

"No. This is wrong." I said to myself. "That's not Richie."

His hair was slicked back and they had him in a suit. I was happy that they'd covered the cuts on his face. But they'd also covered up a hickey that I left on his jaw below his right ear. That wasn't fair.

I felt myself start to shake.

"He hates his hair like that." I said to Sal. "He likes it natural."

"I know." Sal sighed.

"And, and the suit. I know it's what they usually wear. But he hates dressing up. He would want a tshirt."

"It's okay, Noah."

"No its not!"

I found myself stepping in front of Sal and reaching to fix Richie's hair. It needed to be messier. This wasn't him. This wasn't what he looked like. I managed to pull most of it out of the slicked back style and push it to the left side of his face before Sal grabbed me. He held onto my forearms and crossed them in front of me, then pulled me back.

"No." I said, starting to feel like I couldn't breathe. "That... That isn't right. That is not my baby."

"Yes it is. He just looks a little different." Sal said, trying to calm me down.

"No, he's dead!" I snapped, then started crying again. "He's fucking dead."

Sal let go of me and turned me around so he could hug me properly. I could feel people staring at us. But I just kept crying. I couldn't help it. I hadn't let myself say those words yet. I thought that maybe if I didn't, then it wouldn't be true. But it was. It was, and that was never going to change.

"Noah, he doesn't want to see you like this." Sal said. "I know he's here. He can see how upset you are. And I bet it's killing him that he can't help you."

That only made it hurt worse.

"Please calm down. You have to say goodbye before they take him."

I took another minute to regulate my breathing; then allowed Sal to bring me back to the casket. I stood there shaking, trying to keep myself from trying to fix him again. I started to lean down, and Sal grabbed my shoulder.

"I just want to kiss him." I said quietly.

Sal loosened his grip, but kept his hand on my shoulder. I leaned down and let my lips touch his forehead. I wanted so badly to kiss his lips, but two things were stopping me. First, we'd promised his father that we wouldn't tell anyone. But the real reason I didn't was that I knew he wouldn't be kissing me back.

"I love you, Richie." I whispered, feeling a few tears slip from my eyes. "Please don't leave me completely."

Just a few minutes later, Richie's parents said goodbye and closed the casket. I watched some people come in and take it away. Two more hours were spent sitting in the corner of the room with Sal; trying to avoid speaking to anyone. Richie's mom came and hugged us for a while. She gave me Richie's cell phone. She said that she'd taken the pictures she needed from it, and that Sal and I could get the ones we wanted. She didn't want it back.