Unfinished Business

Chapter 38

All that Lexa could do was stare at her, feeling an instant tightness taking over her chest as all of her blood seemed to rush to her face. This was not happening. Clarke called Nia? Who the hell did she think she was? This was not fucking happening. She can't do that! She just - she can't! Jesus fucking Christmas! What the fuck was she thinking? Not cool – so not fucking cool!

"What the hell were you thinking?" Lexa spat at her furiously. "This isn't a fucking game, Clarke."
"Exactly," Clarke replied, her tone remarkably calm. "It's not a game, Lex. It's your career."
"Yes! Precisely!" Lexa fired back at her. "MY career! Mine! You had no fucking business calling my boss."
"Would you please just calm down and listen to me?" Clarke pleaded, still remaining quite calm. "Please. I can explain."
Lexa stared at her, feeling a fire spread through her body.

This was bullshit – bullshit that she didn't want to listen to and everything in her was telling her to just leave and call Nia as fast as she could, but Clarke's eyes...something in her eyes were keeping Lexa's feet glued to the spot and though she foolishly tried to will them to just move, nothing happened. Well, fuck-a-duck.

Damn this woman.

Lexa took a deep breath. Ugh. Fuck. Fine. "Explain," she said through her clenched teeth as she rubbed at her clavicle. Unbelievable.
Clarke stared at her for a moment and then took her own deep breath. "It's not a game," she told her. "It's not and I didn't call Nia to try and fuck you up..."
"Then why?" Lexa cut her off quickly. She couldn't even help it. "What are you..."
"Please," Clarke said calmly.
Lexa nodded and began to pace. Okay. Fine. Fine! Damn it!
"I didn't call Nia to fuck you up," Clarke repeated firmly. "All that I did was ask her for what she already offered you – time, which now, is one more week for you to really think about this before you decide," she paused and swallowed hard. "See, I called her because this is too familiar and I don't want you to make the wrong decision – because again, the wrong decision is going to affect us both moving forward."

Lexa stopped pacing and stared at her, feeling her blood pressure rise. Seriously? The fuck is that supposed to mean?

Clarke dropped back down into her chair. "Listen, when you told me that Nia felt that – all things considered – you shouldn't take it, that was when I knew," she continued with a nod. "I knew that she must know about all of – this," she motioned between them.
"She does," Lexa acknowledged quietly. How could she not?
"You and her are friends," Clarke said knowingly.
"Yes," Lexa nodded. Obviously.
"She's nice," Clarke told her simply. "Very understanding."
"Yes," Lexa responded, feeling totally lost. Why were they talking about Nia?
Clarke studied her for a moment and then nodded. "Tell me that your decision to turn down the assignment had nothing to do with me," she stated plainly.
Lexa stared at her again, feeling her stomach drop out.

What the hell? Of course it had to do with her. It had everything to do with her! How could it not? What difference did that make? Fuck. Okay. Deep breath. Calm down and respond.

"I can't do that," Lexa shook her head. Nope. Not even going to try to lie.
"That's the problem, Lex," Clarke nodded. "It's not a game – it's your career and you should be able to make decisions about it without taking me into consideration," she explained. "You can't pass up an opportunity because you think that I'll get angry with you."
"You did get angry," Lexa said softly and crossed her arms. So fucking angry.
"Initially, yes, I did," Clarke acknowledged with a small frown. "But, that was my mistake. I was wrong. You see – I forgot. I've been so angry and hurt about - everything, that I forgot that this is your career and that it's just as important as anyone else's. This is what you've worked for. You should be able to decide what you do with it," she rambled a bit, "without worrying about other people's opinions – without worrying about my opinion."
"Your opinion matters to me," Lexa shook her head. It was true. It absolutely mattered – way more than anyone else's.
"Lexa, I'm not going to lie to you," Clarke took a deep breath. "I don't want you to go and even though we only see each other once a week and everything is all ridiculous and crazy – I would miss the hell out of you if you did, but the thing is, if this is something that you want to do – something that's important to you, then I want you to do it."
Lexa shook her head and began to pace again.

Though there was no denying that Clarke saying that she would miss her made her feel warm all over, her mind was a jumbled mess at this point. This didn't make any sense. It didn't make any fucking sense. Like, fuck! What the fuck? If it's wasn't a game, then why was she playing with her? Was it a test? Fuck. She couldn't fuck this up. Not this time.

"I don't understand," Lexa admitted as she unbuttoned her collar. It was hot – too hot.
"I don't want you to give up something because you're afraid of how I'm going to react. Do that, and you'll just opening the door for resentment to creep in," Clarke explained further, "and then we're never going to break this stupid cycle that we're stuck in. We'll just keep adding more cars to the crazy train and that's really not what I want to see happen."
Lexa turned and looked at her. Okay, that actually made sense. "It's not what I want either, but," she paused and took a deep breath. "I'm trying to do the right thing this time."
A warm smile stretched across Clarke's face. "So am I," she told her earnestly. "It's not right for your life decisions to be based off of how I might feel about them. These are your choices to make – for yourself. I'm your friend, Lex – not your wife. It shouldn't be about..."
Lexa's eyes snapped up just in time to see a pink flush spread across Clarke's cheeks. Wait... "Did you just say that you're my friend?"
Clarke looked down at her hands as a small smile played on her lips. "You know, I've been angry at you for a long time - hell, I think a part of me still is," she said softly, "and I know that we've been fighting like two crazy bitches in heat, but I don't..." she broke off and bit her lip.
Lexa felt her brow furrow as a panic suddenly settled in her stomach. Uh oh. What? "Don't what?" She asked, rather apprehensively.
Clarke looked up at her and gave her the most authentic look ever. "I don't think we'll ever not be friends," she finished firmly, echoing words of their past.
Lexa stared at her, feeling moisture building in her eyes as a pang of raw emotion fired off in her chest and with three large strides, she scooped Clarke up out of her seat and pulled her into an impossibly close embrace.

As they stood there, Lexa felt her anger dissipate some and instead it was replaced with the sudden odd feeling of relief. Okay. Some of this was starting to click. Some of it was actually making sense. If they were going to move forward – really move forward, they couldn't do it dragging their mistakes with them. They just couldn't.

"Clarke," Lexa said without letting go of her – because really, she just couldn't. "I didn't not take the assignment because I thought that you would be upset. I mean – yes, that was part of it – definitely part of it, but it wasn't the only reason."
"I know," Clarke said into her neck. "I know that there are other factors involved – other people and whatnot, but I just...."

Other factors? People?? Whoa, whoa. Wait, what?

Lexa shook her head and stepped back. "What are you talking about?" She questioned her quickly.
Clarke looked down, but her eyes had no doubt turned stormy and she visibly bit the inside of her lip. "Echo," she answered quietly.
Lexa closed her eyes and released a tiny sigh. Holy shit. Really? Clarke thought that...? How the f...? Oh, wait. That night. Yeah. Totally forgot about that. Shit. "Clarke," she said firmly. "There's nothing going on between Echo and I."
Clarke looked up, her brow instantly furrowing. "But..."
"But nothing," Lexa shook her head. "There's nothing going on – never has been."
Clarke rubbed her forehead, looking utterly confused as another rush of pink suddenly filled her face.
Lexa stared at her and felt her mouth go dry.

Okay. Alright. Enough. This was enough. Enough of everything. She couldn't do this anymore. She couldn't be afraid – not anymore. Granted, it was true, they still had issues – massive fucking issues and they still had a lot to work on, but the truth needed to be out there. It needed to be. She could do this. She had to. She owed that much. It was time – time to just put it out there and accept whatever fate had in store her. It was time to be honest. Time, to be brave.

Lexa took a deep, steadying breath as her heart pounded in her chest. "Clarke, the other part of why I turned the assignment down is that I don't want to be out on the road, at least - not now. Being here, is what I want - it's what I've always wanted. To just be here," she explained carefully, "with you."
Clarke's wide eyes snapped up as her lips parted and her breath caught.