oneshots. （ a. knight ）

0.1 love notes ♡

this one is inspired completely by lili and her babies, which is why it's dedicated to her. that's all. enjoy!

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I could only see darkness. Inky and black, it felt like the darkness was so thick that it was sinking into my skin. My eyes itched like I'd been crying for hours. I couldn't move, I realized then. My body was pinned to the bed like I was filled with rocks, my limbs heavy and sore.

My eyes shot open suddenly and my eyes darted around the familiar room, our room, but I still couldn't move. My body shuddered in fear when my eyes came to the doorway, a tall figure filling it up. I couldn't make out his face but it looked as if he was made entirely of black soot, the dirt falling off him as he began to come toward me, toward the bed my body was pinned to. I could hear the shallow way he was breathing, wheezing and gasping as if his lungs were filled with the same black soot his body was made out of.

Panic settled in my stomach, cold and hard like a stone. The fear wrapped around my body like a vice. I suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe, gulping in mouthfuls of air as my lungs began to starve. The stone in my stomach began to harden and expand, filling in the cracks and crevices inside, choking me. The shadowy man finally stopped at the foot of the bed and I watch, wide-eyed and panicked, as his mouth opened, his jaw unhinged, shiny black tar pouring from his mouth. His hand grabbed my ankle and I screamed, loud, piercing, until my throat feels hoarse. No sound had come out.

"Hey, hey. You're okay." I heard a soothing voice come out of the darkness. Even the shadowy man at my feet seemed to pause at the sound. "It's sleep paralysis, baby. It's okay. You're doing great. Just focus on my voice."

The voice sounded far away, like I was stuck underwater. I wanted to call out, scream, thrash, anything but I could only lay motionless.

"I need you to breathe for me, darling. In and out, just like that." I did what I was told, inhaling and exhaling. The shadowy man was starting to fade away and Awsten's face began to come into view. I could feel the weight of him against my side where he was sitting. His face was so calm and I clung to it like a life preserver. "Now clench your fist," he instructed softly. I felt his hand curl around my fingers, helping me squeezing them into a fist. "Just keep breathing, baby. Nice and slow. And pull yourself out. You can do it. I'm right here with you."

It took what felt like years for me to steady my breathing and regain control of my body. I cried out as I felt the rocks fall out of my body, sitting up in the bed with Awsten's assistance. My fingers rubbed my forehead, my whole body trembling wildly.

"That was so scary," I whispered, feeling tears slipping down my cheeks. Awsten's hand was warm on my face, so quick to wipe the tears away. "I'm sorry."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Awsten said.

His arms wound around me and I leaned into him instantly. His hair was freshly dyed so the purple was bright on his head and it made me smile. Blue never used to be a color I thought anything about until I saw Awsten's blue hair. I had decided that I didn't like any old blue, but I liked Awsten's blue. Same with purple. I liked it so much more now because he was always there after a nightmare or a terrifying bout of sleep paralysis. I started associating purple with safety in my head, because I knew he was there and he would keep me safe, no matter what tricks my head played on me.

I wasn't sure how long we sat there, me clinging to him almost desperately as I listened to the steady beat of his heart, using it to keep me tethered to reality. I imagined myself always as a kite, always one step away from floating up into the clouds, and Awsten was my rock. He was so grounded and always made sure I kept my feet on the ground and didn't let my anxieties and worries carry me away from him too far.