Waiting For You. (Harry Styles)

days 6-10

Day 6

It's getting harder and harder every day babe. I miss you so much. I just need you here with me. I can't say that enough. I'm laying in bed as a write this. But, I'm always laying in bed. The lads are still here. They're all out in the living room. They tried to get me to eat again. I couldn't. They said I'm losing weight. I'm becoming more boney and more pale. Everytime I look in the mirror I see nothing. I'm not even worth looking at. I'm nothing without you. I got in the shower today. Liam wouldn't shut up so I finally agreed. I stayed in there for probably about and hour just letting the hot water hit my face and back. By the time I got out I was all red. It didn't make me feel better at all. I'm becoming more and more like a zombie. That's what the lads say anyway. 

I blame myself. I feel like it was my fault. I should have called you more and skyped with you more. I'm so sorry babe. I didn't mean to hurt you. I don't know what to do with myself. This is all my fault. But this is just a bad dream right? I still refuse to believe any of this. Although, a part of me thinks this could be true. This isn't fair! None of this! I found myself sitting on the roof today. I don't know how I got there honestly. Liam really thinks I should talk to someone. I do talk to someone, I talk to you. And I know you listen. I feel you around me, so I know you do. I just wish you could talk about.

I told him I talk to you and I'm not talking to anyone else. He told me that it isn't going to help me. You know what, I don't give a fuck about what is going to help me. Nothing, absolutely nothing can help me. Unless he can bring you back to me. None of the lads know I'm keeping this journal. I almost feel bad for keeping it from them. They don't need to know what we talk about.

Day 8

I'm so sorry baby! I didn't get a chance to write you yesterday. Louis and Liam dragged me out of the flat. They made me go get pizza with them. I ate a couple bites but that's all I could eat. Some fans came up to us today. One girl, looked about 10, came up and hugged me. Then she looked up at me and told me she was so sorry. I broke down and started crying. Even the fans miss you! They wanted pictures but I couldn't take them. What's the point in a picture if you can't be happy in them?

I was looking at old pictures of us today. We looked so happy. I would give anything to have that back, to have you back. When am I going to wake up from this nightmare? I just want to wake up, next to you. I'm getting closer and closer to my breaking point, but I know you would be upset with me. I'm trying to hold it together for you, but I don't know how much longer I can take. 

I keep replaying memories in my head as I lay here. Sometimes I can still hear your voice. I can still smell you around me too. When you talk to me, you say things like I love you and I miss you. I grab onto your pillow and cry into it. I love and miss you too babe. So much it hurts. I always tell you to come back to me and everytime I get the same response. I can't. Why? Why can't you? Why can't you just be here with me?! I wait for you everyday but you never come! Are you ever going to come back?! I need you! You're my rock. You were the one who was always strong for me. Without you, I have no one to be strong for me. Without you, I have nobody.

Days 9 & 10

Not much happened yesterday (day 9) so I'll just tell you a little bit. The lads stayed over again. I think they're afraid to leave me here alone. I don't think they're ever going to leave honestly. They all came back to our bedroom and we watched films on the tv. God, it's been so long since I had our tv on. I made sure no one sat on your side of the bed. I feel like you were sitting there beside me, cuddling up to me. Were you sitting beside me babe? 

I woke up this morning to all of them staring at me with tears streaming down their faces. I asked them what was wrong. They said I was screaming for you again. They said I screamed your name and that I needed you. They can't stand to see me like this. I don't know what to do about it! I have no reason to live as it is! I'm sorry, that probably upset you. We all talked about you again today. Niall said he misses the way you would eat. Of course he would pick something about food. You were adorable when you ate though babe. Liam said he misses how you would be there if anyone needed to talk. And you were. You were always there for anyone.

They ran into some fans again. They said the fans told me they were sorry and they missed you too. Do you remember that time I first asked you to be my girlfriend? Up on stage.

*** "Harry what are you doing?! I don't wanna be on stage! Oh god they're all looking at me!"

"I need to ask you something"

"Babe, why couldn't you have done it backstage?!"

"Because, this is more fun!"

"Okay fine, what do you wanna ask me?"

"Baby you light up my world like nobody else, the way that you smile at me gets me overwhelmed, but when you walk away and I can't sayy oh oh please be my baaabbbyyy"

"Really?!"

"Yes!"

"Oh my god! Yes! aha"

"Yayyy!!

"That was cute Harry, a little corny, but cute!"

"Hey, it was the first thing I thought of!" ***

You always teased me about how corny that was. I couldn't help it! It was the first thing I thought of! Plus, the audience loved it! I know you did too baby. I love you so much. Do you know that? Of course you do. I just had to tell you again. I always tell you, but always isn't enough. You were suppose to be my forever. And now you aren't here. Please come back to me! Just walk through that door. I saw you in my dream again last night. First time in a couple days. We were at the beach.

You looked beautiful with your tanned skin and blonde hair. And those beautiful blue eyes. Did I ever ask you how I had got so lucky? We were laying in the sand and the water was crashing onto us. We were laughing. Reminds me of that time where something similar happened. You looked at me, your eyes sparkled more than ever and just flashed me your beautiful smile. I asked you if you missed me. You told me there was no need to miss you because you were always around.

I can't see you though! If you're always around why can't I see you?! I just need you! I can't stress that enough babe. I. Need. You. My life is fucked up without you here. Nobody can help. I'm just so close to my breaking point. I know I said that last time, but every day I get closer. I'm going to break soon.