Come For Me {A Six of Crows Fanfiction}

KAZ

AN: Kaz is slightly out of his depth... who would have thought.

The human condition left little doubt that people most yearned that which they could not ever have; and that told Kaz exactly how likely it was he would ever be with Inej.

"I don't do fretting," he'd answered her, already speaking to an empty window.

He did not do goodbyes either. So, of course, he was not with Jesper and Wylan on the docks a few hours later. And if he went to see The Wraith start on her maiden voyage from one of the wooden cranes at the other end of FifthHarbor, no one knew. The ship appeared tiny on the waves, and since the Council of Tides had opened the currents for a number of large trading vessels this morning, she vanished from sight within less than an hour. And he was glad.

~~~

It was another late night, and after he had brought the books up to date, he felt his thoughts, and sentiments, start the crazy, merry dance that told him he had deprived himself of sleep for too long. Now they snuck up to him, drooling over his shoulder, pinching him and nagging at the edge of his frustrated awareness until he finally gave in and watched them.

No matter what he had people assume Kaz did possess a range of different emotional states. He even knew them. But he knew better the faces he needed to present to the world: Cold rationality paired with willingness to take risks, and on occasion slightly unhinged violence were what the Barrel saw. Focus and anger seething right under the surface were what members of the Dregs, including Per Haskell, usually got to see. His acerbic disdain for people was well-known to the ones of the closer circle like Jesper, the boy who never seemed properly afraid of him, and Inej, who... His thoughts tangled, and he cursed under his breath. Inej, who had always been trying to draw the good out, but who had made him feel like he was losing his mind now. This exasperation at himself was rather new to the emotional mix, and he hated it.

The exasperation at her was nothing new at all. So, she'd had a theory, damn her. What the hell did that even mean? And why had she done it? Why would she do this to him? Words have not been invented for such an occasion. Indeed. So, had that been it? Her attempt at showing how grateful she was? Well, thanks, no thanks. And whatever her theory, she had been very wrong about the fretting part anyway.

Damn her, he was not going to sit around and lose any more time on introspective bullshit that would get him precisely nowhere. That's where he was from and where he was not going back. The gang, his gang, needed a plan to secure the new power that was in their reach, one that was smart, and if possible cheap in money and lives. What the Dregs did not need was a boss who spent every waking moment-

Kaz grabbed his cane, stood abruptly and put weight on his bad leg. Nothing like pain to remind you of what really counted. For good measure he made himself climb up to his old rooms to try and get some sleep. Every single step an exercise in discipline.

He arrived at the top, opening the creaking wooden door. Discipline was one thing, necessity another. The smart thing would have been to sleep downstairs on the settee in his office, not up here, where everything reminded him of what he did not want to think about, namely Inej in general, and that last memory of her that haunted him ever since she had left a little over two weeks ago, in particular. Unfortunately what he wanted or not seemed pretty irrelevant when it came to her. Ever since she'd left, he was oscillating between frustrated disbelief - and close on that anger at what she had done. It was bold. And reckless. But she had always been that, too, hadn't she? I can help you. Maybe he should not be surprised? That girl had never trodden carefully – he snorted at himself, because, of course, that was precisely what she did above all else, in the literal sense. But in all other respects she did not, and in that she was as different from him as she could be: Her anger as easy to see as her curiosity, her excitement, her satisfaction at seeing a job done, her pride in outsmarting their so-called betters, her respect. Or so he'd thought... She'd challenged him and never stopped trying to see beyond his perfect mask, and that was, what he had never quite been able to fathom.