Dangerous Love

Beggin' For A Dollar

A tear stained reflection stares back at me from the mirror. My face is dry and ashy. My lips chapped and cracking. It pains me to have to see myself this way. I've lost myself, and I won't find me again. I'm too far gone now.

My hand slowly creeps toward my pale face. I rest my fingertips on my swollen cheek. It burns from the salty tears rolling over the inflamed skin. I just noticed that I'm crying again. My head falls slowly, as I can't stand to see myself like this anymore.

Life passes by slower and slower each day I'm around him. He isn't good for me. No one should be treated this way but here I am still sticking around. I know exactly why though, because when he holds me at night, I feel secure, I have no fears. He sends a chill throughout my entire being, soul included.

But when it's bad, it's terrifying. I'm deathly afraid of him, but somehow he makes me feel safe, at the same time. Maybe it's confusion. Maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe it's both.

•••

My body aches as I slowly roll out of bed. I'm almost in tears because of how sore I am, again. I finally stabilize myself, and I creep towards the bathroom. I immediately stop in front of the mirror and examine myself. The dark ring is already forming around my eye, and my face is swollen as a whole. Dried blood runs from my nose, I'm surprised it's not broken this time. He must've took it easy on me. I winced as the momentarily forgotten pain coursed through my face and torso. I lifted my shirt to see the bruises on my stomach, I instantly knew I had bruised ribs. When it's bad, it's terrifying.

I slid down the wall, face full of tears and a thick lump in my throat. My breathing hitches, and I start to panic. I clutch at my chest, in a poor attempt to slow my heart rate. I cannot stop crying and I cannot breathe properly. I feel myself weakening by the second. The room darkens, and I feel myself slip out of consciousness.

My eyes flutter open, as my mind tries to understand what happened. It doesn't take long, as the pain immediately kicks back in. I groan, but it hurt my throat so bad. It literally burns. I picked myself up, using the cold wall as support. Dragging myself to the bathroom, I intend to take a shower. But it's too painful to wash my body, so I settle for sitting on the shower floor while the devilishly hot water falls onto my fragile body.

The pain remains, and it gets worse throughout the day. I eventually make my mind up to just take the stupid painkillers. I slipped two OxyContin tablets into my mouth and dry swallowed them. The 30 minutes it takes for the oxycodone to release into my pain-ridden body seems like an eternity, but when it finally hit, I'm numb. Nothing hurts. Well, except my heart. My mind is clouded, the high is taking over me soon enough.

I awake to the loud television, broadcasting a football game. Groggily I speak, "Can you turn that down a little?" I'm ignored, as I expected. I slip two more pills into my mouth and I feel them travel down my throat. The chemical release from the first two still lingers in my system, but I can feel my anxiety getting the best of me. I sighed as I realized that there's only three more pills in the orange prescription bottle. I wouldn't say I'm an addict, but they do help me get through the troublesome days I spend with him. But deep down I knew the truth.

Another drunken night and another brutal beating. The last one was still fresh. This time was the last time, I vowed to myself. I took the last three pills I had and waited for them to kick in. Once they did, I showered, once I managed to remove all of the dried blood, I washed my body.

He sat on the bed, drinking once again. Fucking alcoholic. But who am I to speak when I slip pills down my throat for fun. I was pissed, and he was too. I could feel it radiating off of him. I watched him intently, with a death glare. He never once turned to face me, until he heard the gun cock. His head whipped around so fast, I'm sure he'd given himself whiplash.

"THE FUCK YOU DOIN'?!"

"I'm sicka this shit, sicka the beatings and sick of you, sick of it all."

In one swift movement, he was off the bed and striding toward me. I trained the gun on his forehead. My voice trembled, "Stay the fuck away from me." He continued, and I placed my finger on the trigger. I felt my words drag out of my mouth, "Iwillblowyourheadoff." I was definitely high, because I didn't even noticed the tears on my face. He kept moving in my direction. I gently squeezed the trigger and quickly retrained my arm, letting off a warning shot, maybe a half foot from his head. He didn't flinch, and I clearly saw the Devil himself in front of me. His eyes changed, evil smirk on his face. And I know for a fact I mirrored that exact expression. I'm the Devil now too, and he made me this way. I aimed at his head again, gripping the trigger but without the pressure needed to shoot. His eyes flickered, and he looked scared. He pleaded with me through his eyes, and somehow like I always I felt sorry for him. I'm lowered the gun, and at an instant he was the Devil again. He launched at me, and I whipped the gun toward him and quickly pulled the trigger. He hit the floor, instantly. He clutched at his stomach, as the blood soaked through his wife beater. I stood over him, rapidly blinking my eyes. This was it, I found my true self. I was what he was: The Devil. I aimed at his forehead and with no hesitation pulled the trigger thrice more. I softly laid the gun on his chest and walked toward the bed. I grabbed the Kentucky bourbon and starting downing the bottle.

I looked at his lifeless body and spoke, "I was your wife, yet you treated me like a filthy, addict of some sorts. And it pushed me to become one, I just couldn't admit that to myself. You treated me like I was another one of those fiends on the streets beggin' for a dollar."

I pushed the potent drug into my body and instantly felt the high. I pushed the needle into my skin again. Then again. And again. And again. I knew the outcome of the situation, but that didn't stop me from injecting one last time. My body seized before I could completely inject the heroin into my bloodstream. My body relaxed quickly and slumped onto his, as I watched my world gradually get darker.