Angel- A Demi Lovato Fanfiction

1

Demi

It's been one year, since my daughter committed suicide. Right now I'm supposed to be out of bed and preparing for my other two children's first birthday party but all I can think about is joining Izzy wherever she is right now. Beside me, my husband, Wilmer, sleeps peacefully but I know once he wakes up all of the innocence on his face will be lost. It will be replaced by a deep sadness that is mirrored by on my own face. A darkness, a bitterness, has touched both of us and we will both forever be weighted by her memory. Of course, I blame myself. If I hadn't tried to push her away, if I had been better mom, none of this would've happened. Wilmer of course, doesn't feed into that idea and tries to convince us both that somehow this tragedy could be in God's plan. I don't bother to answer him when he brings up God. What kind of God takes away a parent's child? What kind of God allows a sixteen year old girl to be raped on her birthday? If that was God I don't want anything to do with him.

Wilmer begins to stir, and when he opens his eyes, a heavy sigh escapes his lips. I stare at the wall with a blank expression, neither of us know what to say or do. The sadness is too heavy. I see him look at me out of the corner of my eyes and slowly turn my head to meet his gaze. I'm too numb to cry; I haven't cried since that day when they told me she was gone. We look at each other for a few seconds, then he opens his arms and I fall into them, getting as close to him as possible. We still don't speak, there's nothing to really say. Our daughter is gone, and on this day we have to celebrate life yet at the same time mourn her death. I don't know what to do, I don't know how I'm supposed to smile to take pictures. I don't know how I'm supposed to function today.

I feel Wilmer kiss my forehead, and look up at him with sad eyes, "I can't do this."

He sighs and pulls me closer so my cheek is resting on his shoulder, "Yes you can. We can get through this together. Today we're going to celebrate twin's birthday with our families. The tonight we're going to the cemetery to put down flowers. We can get through this Dems."

I nod absentmindedly, but don't answer. Today is going to be filled with sympathetic smiles and sad gazes and I don't know if I can put up with them all day. I won't be able to handle it when my mother pulls me aside and asks how I'm holding up. I won't be able to handle it when I see the others whispering about Wilmer and I while we try our best to smile at our one-year-olds. I can't handle the fact that my daughter is dead.

That day in the hospital changed Wilmer and I in many different ways. We don't fight, but communicate and talk through our issues. We don't shut each other down and invalidate each other's feelings. I've been in therapy nearly three times a week after that day, since I've had nearly overwhelming thoughts of killing myself, which crushed Wilmer to hear when we went to our joint couples session. We haven't had sex since that day though. We don't really touch each other like that. It's small stuff, a kiss on the cheek or a peck on the lips when he leaves for work. We cuddle up at night, but it doesn't go any farther than that. The sex isn't even something I crave anymore, I crave to be held by him, just held, to know that he's not going anywhere.

"We need to get up soon." Wilmer says, gently coaxing me to lift out of the depression as thoughts of Izzy fill my ind.

"Yeah, we do." I murmur, but don't move an inch.

He sighs, and wraps his other arm around my waist, pulling me close so his lips are at me ear, "If you need to cry today you go ahead and do that okay? I don't want you thinking you can't show that you're hurting inside."

I sigh and nod, he's said that to me every single morning since that day, "You'll be the first to know."

Wilmer smiles and cups my face, leaning in to kiss me gently, "I love you."

I lean into the kiss lightly, then pull away, "I love you." At that moment, our babies decide to wake up, I could hear the giggling and the slight whining through the baby monitor, "Time to be parents."

~*~

By the time people started filing in for the party it was clear today was not going to go well for me. Wilmer handled most of the planning, since I was so depressed I could barely get out of bed let alone plan a birthday party. Thankfully, he kept it small.

Marissa is the first one there and almost immediately she pulls me into her arms before I can even say anything, "I love you." She whispers fiercely into my ear, then turns and throws her arms around Wilmer. She was the first one I called in the hospital, sobbing hysterically as I weeped for my dead daughter. She was the one who caught me with a razor to my wrist, and then a few weeks later a bottle of anti-depressants ready to wash them down with a bottle of vodka. I knew that for a long time now, she would be keeping a close eye on me.

My mom and dad are next. As my mom comes in she is already crying and running up to hold me, "My baby." She whispers, "Are you okay?" She pulls back to look at my face, "How are you holding up?"

I close my eyes for a second, "I'm trying."

She cups my cheek lightly, "That's all I can ask. I love you baby girl."

I force a smile at her then turn to my dad, wrapping my arms around his waist, "Hi daddy."

He rubs my back and we just hug for a few minutes, not letting the other go, "I love you Dems."

I nod step back, watching as they both go up to the twins who are in their bouncers, giggling adorably at the swinging toys above them. Wilmer's arms wrap around my waist lightly and I lean into his chest, resting my head back on his shoulder and closing my eyes. Right now I just want to go back to bed and not have to deal with any of this. I want to mourn my daughter and cry but the numbness inside of me won't allow me to do that. I feel Wilmer kiss my shoulder lightly and then lean his head against mine. It was the little things like this that made me fall more and more in love with him. He knew that just by three people coming in I was overwhelmed and needed security. I turn around in his arms and fold into his chest, pressing my nose into the crook of his neck and inhaling his scent. I need him now more than ever and he seemed to know that as he holds me tightly, both of us oblivious to our families watching us with sad eyes.

A knock on the door breaks us apart and I open the door, a smile coming to my lips when I saw Nick Jonas standing there.

"Hey." He said, pulling me into a tight hug.

I grip his shoulders tightly, squeezing my eyes shut, "Hi."

He pulls away after a few moments, looking at me closely, "How are you doing?"

I take a deep breath, "Okay, I guess... As well as I can be."

It's a lie of course, I'm dying inside. I want this whole day to be over.

"Good." He hugs Wilmer, then heads further into the house to find the rest of my family.

"I can't do this." I whisper, and look up at Wilmer, "I can't take this anymore, the sympathy and the pity. I can't tell every single person that walks through that door that I'm holding up good when I'm dying inside."

Wilmer pulls me into his body by my waist and I hold onto him like a lifeline, "It hurts so bad." I whisper, not expecting him to hear me.

"I know Hermosa, I know it hurts. Eventually with time it'll fade, and we'll be happy again."

I sniffle, then look at him, "Promise?"

He kissed my lips lightly, "Promise."

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-Rachel