i constantly feel as if my head is about to explode. the truth is i haven't been fully okay in a long long time. sometimes i wonder if i'll ever get a small window of "okay" before i die. i know i don't deserve that little bit of reassurance but im also sure that once that happiness goes away it'll be the death of me. i've longed to feel okay for the longest time. i've woken up and started crying because i hadn't somehow miraculously passed away overnight. i know it's probably not going to happen out of nowhere, but i still hope that it does. i feel like i can't make promises anymore either. especially when it's promising that i won't harm myself. i can't promise someone that they'll see me again. im just so desperate to leave this god awful place behind. i don't care if i have to run away or die or force myself to suffer long enough to move out, i need to get out of here. the thing i'm most scared of though, is what happens after i die. maybe it doesn't work or something. i don't want someone to show up next to my hospital bed with flowers because they feel like it was their fault i tried to end my own life. it wasn't. it was purely me and that's okay. i don't have to blame someone for how miserable i am. i can't stand the thought of what would happen to someone significant in my life if something did happen to me. i mean, a positive to that would be my dad could finally retire and my parents would have more money and they can sell all my stuff and rent out my old bedroom to strangers if they want. they could finally get a ranch house like they've always wanted to but couldn't because they didn't have the money. there'd just be more space on the earth. i don't really know how else to explain it, but im tired. i think i could use some rest. that doesn't have to be anyone's fault either. i can sleep and the rest of the world will get along just fine. spring would come to me the same way it would go to you. silently and all at once. there'd be space for someone else to enjoy it for the first time. my body just feels tired. i could sleep for ten thousand years and still wake up tired. i've resorted to eating one meal a day or just not eating at all because i find myself sleeping most of the time, so why should i need it? that's just more food for someone who needs it more than i do.
