words going nowhere.

helplessly happy, sorrowfully sad

i've never wanted to be depressed.
yet here i am pleading for depression to show its ugly fangs and consume me once more 
when i'm depressed i can't feel happiness,
so the sadness feels normal,
and the pain doesn't hurt as bad.

you'll ask me what's wrong.
so i'll blame my swollen, red eyes on sleep deprivation, and no one will question it.
so we'll move on.

i am tired,
being with you exhausts me to the brink of madness,
but yet again i succumb to the temptation of another sleepless night.

you also make me happy.
it seems as if my smile never fades when i'm around you,
your hand in mine triggers enough endorphins in my brain to make a junkie jealous of my high.

i don't want to feel happy anymore.
i want to forget the joyful feeling i'm capable of having,
so i can get used to the gut-wrenching sadness that consumes me.
i just want to be numb.
i want to feel the numbness that protects me from the horrific happiness.

goodnight.

11/23/2018