jaded

year

2 fear.

0 confusion

1 denial

8 betrayal

single words that could craft, and publish my lowest point... heres to 2018

2 trying new things never instilled fear in me, i always strive for a change. A fluctuation in the balance of my simple, sheltered, existence. A new poison presented in the most perfectly wrapped gift. I was dancing with the devil in perhaps the very beginning of my youth. Now that i was shown a newfound power, a thrill you might say, I was addicted. Fear was a new kind of drug, that encouraged the use of the other more damaging ones. Sunny days turned to nights filled with corrupt melodies and lies, more and more of the adrenaline would fill my veins, not only did the adrenaline find its way to cloud my vision, infatuation set in at devastating rates.

0 trust is a funny thing, its never truly earned, and never truly deserved. No human will ever put your needs before his or her own. But when the time comes, as it inevitably will, you will believe that you can fully trust someone.

1 I used to believe that if you ignore the problem it will be forgotten and eventually become irrelevant. Mental health is not a force to bargain with, it is not forgiving, and unforgetting, and even more troubling, it is not self healing.

8 How does one surround themselves with multiple beings, and still walk alone. Your problems are your own. your trust is your own to give. It was misplaced.

So you're alone, isn't that what you always wanted? except there is no peaceful bliss, calming silence like loneliness always taunted. It started with the devil and dancing with his pawns, encompassed by the feeling and you came straight to his lawn. Every chance that was offered to escape the looming cloud you just wanted the sweet melodies to drown it out so you didn't say it out loud. There's no one around you to share the burden. You want to become your own supporter but its not quite possible when you cant fathom the idea of any soul fancying yours. Every memory you can bring forth brings you pain and its unstoppable. Happiness is no longer an option and you begin to seek the others. Poison of all kind, self harm, and wicked lovers. What they don't see is the self coping, sometimes seen as self corruption, but its better than self destruction, and you don't see a way through but a way out. its so much closer than going through the time pain and being devout. to forget it all would be the key no matter what religion you choose. To pause the whole world and tell god you want a truce. your heart isn't cold but too caring, help me turn it to stone, maybe you should use the key, maybe just maybe then you won't be alone..

heres to 2018 and the things that i have learned, my burden is described with the words, trust is NEVER earned.