Never felt this way before

Chapter 46

"Sebastian?"

Sebastian just keeps his head down, trying to quiet his crying. He knows who's voice that is, doesn't want to face it, doesn't want him to see him like this. He feels broken, he feels like he could snap at anything if he doesn't get his emotions in check.

"Sebastian.. are you okay?" Ciel's voice is so soft, so so so soft that it's making Sebastian break even further. He doesn't deserve that softness, that voice that sounds like it actually cares about him.

"I'm fine." His voice breaks a little bit, and he's letting out a quiet whimper because talking just makes it worse.

Ciel walks towards Sebastian and genly places his hand on his back and rubs, biting on his lip nervously. He came out here to yell, maybe kick him in the nuts, but he's not stupid. He knows Sebastian is crying, and he knows this isn't something he shows. He knows he's probably making him uncomfortable, but Ciel doesn't like this at all.

It feels like it's different now that Sebastian is crying, and he knows it's because of him. He's showing he cares, mostly to himself at first, but it's still happening and ciel feels overwhelmed.

He kneels down and lays his head on Sebastian's shoulder, closing his eyes, listening to the little shuddering breaths, hiccups and sniffles. It's quiet outside, peaceful, the emotions swirling around them like a blanket, covering them and making them feel it.

"I'm sorry." It's so quiet, barely there, Ciel wouldn't of heard it if it wasn't so quiet around them. His head snaps up and he looks at Sebastian, his eye wide, his chest feeling up with emotions, making his eye start to water.

"What?" He just wants to make sure he heard that right, that he's not going crazy.

Sebastian looks at him and it breaks Ciel's heart. The emotion written on his face is so heavily printed upon it, his eyes bloodshot and puffy, he looks miserable, radiating regret, almost feeling like it could manifest into a physical thing, an aura. "I'm sorry, Ciel." He frowns, wiping his eyes and turns to face Ciel, grabbing his face with his hands, he speaks so soft, with so much genuinity in his voice,

"I... I'm sorry. I'm new to this, right? I don't deal with this stuff, and I've been miserable this past week and it's hard to admit that to myself, and having to admit it to you is the hardest thing I've ever done." He looks into Ciel's eye, rubbing his thumbs against the soft cheeks, a part of him easing, fading into happiness again, just being able to touch him makes him soar. "Ciel, I may not be able to say that I um... love you... any day. It may never come, but I just... I care. I care so much, Ciel. Please believe me when I say this. You're too good for me, and I realize that now and I may have from the very beginning. I may have realized it when I first had that conversation with you. I may have realized it when I didn't make you leave. Maybe it's always been there and I'm too fucking stupid to realize it. I know you're different, I feel it everytime I look at you." He sighs, biting on his lip a little before continuing, "I want.. No.. You deserve to be happy, and that may not come from me. I may know that I would fucking do anything for you if you asked, but sometimes that's not enough, even if it's enough for me, but I'm different. I don't feel the way other people do. It's hard for me, it's hard for me to let myself feel anything besides pleasure, or anger, or fear, I've come to realize.." He closes his eyes and sighs.

"Sebastian, I'm not asking for a husband, kids in the future, a promise of anything. I just want you, and I just want you to want me. I want to be someone to you.." Ciel is crying freely now, so overcome with emotion he's drowning in it. He just wants to kiss Sebastian, forget this whole thing. He wants to go to Sebastian's house and cuddle, maybe even have sex. Anything with Sebastian at this point. He wants to teach Sebastian how to love, he really wants it, even if Sebastian swears it'll never happen.

Most importantly, he wants to love Sebastian.

"I... I can do that.." Sebastian mumbles, opening his eyes back open and leans forward, gently planting his lips upon Ciel's, kissing him so soft it's making Ciel's head spin.

"Can we go back to your place?" Ciel whispers against his lips, running his fingers softly through Sebastian's hair, massaging his scalp a little bit, feeling Sebastian relax, almost letting out a purr.

Sebastian nods and stands, helping Ciel up and he just wraps his arms around Ciel's waist, pulling him close to him and buries his face in his neck, breathing in his scent, the smell of home, baked goods and coffee.

It eases his muscles, his heart, everything. It's crazy how much impact the boy has on him, but he's so glad to let go and just let himself feel, let himself have it. He hopes he can keep this up, keep letting himself be carefree and happy like he is now.

Ciel just smiles, closing his eyes and cuddling up against Sebastian.

They fit like 2 puzzle pieces, really. It's like Ciel's body was made to be held by Sebastian, to be worshipped and cared for. Their heights are perfect, Sebastian having to bend down to kiss him, or Ciel to get on his tippy toes, and it's perfect, soothing. It makes Ciel feel protected, too. Makes him feel small.

"Okay, let's go home."

Home. It makes Ciel smile big, nodding his head softly.