Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Infertility (WIP)

Flight of the Harry (He's H*gh)

The problem did not disappear. No siree. No Ginny. No children. No home. No comfort. No bed. No pillow. Wait yes pillow. No Ginny.

Harry woke in the same manner that he usually did, to the smell of his George Foreman grill cooking some delicious carrot bacon (He became allergic to pork in a minor accident at Hogwarts. There have been numerous occasions when he had nearly been allergy-ed to death by pigs but that's not relevant. He still loved bacon). He was ready to blindly thrust his hand into the grill and expertly burn his hand while grabbing some bacon when he realized: he did not fall asleep in a bed. Yet, with his orbs of vision still closed because he's a mastermind who knows how to use ALL of his senses, he could feel a soft thing underneath him and a soft thing on top of him. Maybe it was bread and he was in a sandwich. That was one of his lifelong dreams. 

"Oh! You're awake!"

WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT WHO WAS THAT. H*ck! How did they know he was awake??? His eyes were closed??? What kind of sorcery was this!

"Your glasses are on the stand next to you. Here I got these from a muggle shop; they said it would help you recover."

Harry decided to use his failproof defense mechanism: suddenly and violently open his eyes and sit up to startle and disarm his opponent. He actually used that during his battle with Voldemort. Bet the history books don't say that! Disarm your history teacher with THAT!

Harry suddenly and violently opened his eyes and sat up to startle and disarm his opponent. 

"Aghh!" Harry saw a blurry blob stumble backwards. His eyes were wide open. It hurt but he knew he couldn't blink yet. A shame, though, that his opponent quickly recovered.

"You scared me! Here are your glasses; don't know how they weren't broken with the state you were in," the blob moved closer, picked up a blob, and moved the blob towards him. Harry was terrified but he couldn't show weakness by blinking or screaming. In another moment of genius (who was he kidding, his whole life was a moment of genius), he remembered his sandwich. He was using it as a pillow of course! He could splatter the filling in his assailant's eyes. 

Harry reached behind him and grabbed what he was using as a pillow. It seemed way bigger than the sandwich originally was. Maybe he smushed it in his sleep. See, when you stretch something it gets bigger. That means it's not longer small. Harry was proud to be a purveyor of mansplaining. Anyway, he ripped open the sandwich and threw a fistful of the filling at the blob. The original one. 

"Harry! What are you doing! My pillow!"

No. This blob had it all wrong. This was HIS (Harry's) sandwich made by Ginny. This blob was going to pay for trying to steal his wife. 

Harry went in for another fistful of filling. Weird. It was a lot fluffier  than he remembered and his memory was FLAWLESS. Maybe his luscious, dark locks whipped the filling to stiff peaks in the night. There seemed to be a lot more filling too. Maybe there was a lot of yeast in the air that made it rise. 

Harry shook his head. He had to stay focused. He had to keep this blob from stealing his wife! He had to-

The world came into focus. The blob had jammed glassed onto his face. The blob became Draco Malfoy. The bread of the sandwich was weirdly white and the filling looked like feathers.

Dun dun DUNNNNNNNNNN.

(AN: I was so excited to get to this part!!! XD)

The moment of tension was quickly dispelled by Draco. "Here, take this, it'll help you feel better," he reached out to try and put something the size of a bean in Harry's mouth. Harry was quickly snapped out of his short daze. 

DR*GGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

"NO," Harry swatted Draco's hand away, "DARE TO SAY NO TO DR*GS!"

Harry had a frightening realization, his hand had touched the white tablet. He was h*gh!

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE DRACO YOU FR*CKER," Harry calmly yelled very loudly, "I'M H*GH NOW!"

With Harry's hyper-fast reflexes, he saw his wand was on the stand next to him. He grabbed it and pointed it at Draco, whomst haddeth a confuseth looketh on tis faceth. (AN: trying out some new writing styles XD shooketh) "I'LL K*LL YOU! I'LL K*LL YOU FOR MAKING ME DO DR*GS!"

Draco's wand was now out and he was holding his hands up apprehensively. "Harry, that was a gummy vitamin. It'll just give you Vitamin C. Please put do-"

"Hya!" Harry, with his expert karate skills, swung his legs out and expertly landed a double kick on the air quite far away from Draco. 

"Harry! You're in no state to get out of bed! I found you in that alley laying on this sandwich and I had no idea what you were do-"

"I have no time to listen to your toxicity, you SNAKE! I need to cut you out of my life like all of the Instagram self care accounts I follow say to do!" (AN: follow me at j_._me)

"Harry! Just get back into bed and tell me how I can contact Ginny and get you home."

"No!" Like the true hero he was, Harry was able to resist Draco's beautiful voice. Only true heroes could resist such sirens. Harry pushed past Draco and ran into a hallway. He had to find some milk. Ice cream would also do. Or yogurt. Maybe cheese? Custard, frozen custard, chocolate, butter, sour cream, milk powder, condensed milk... Oh condensed milk, just like the kind he and Draco used to sip on back in the day...

NO. He had to stay focused on his mission. He had to end this once and for all. 

Harry came to a stairway and threw himself over the banister onto the lower floor. He could hear someone's footsteps racing behind him. With his expert detective skills, he determined that it was Draco calling after him in Draco's voice. Harry felt some stinging in his legs but his adderall rush (the hormone that makes your heart race and stuff) kept him going. (That's right, he knows science. Pft, and people said Hogwarts didn't teach any practical skills.) 

Harry knew he had to outsmart Draco to escape. He had one advantage that Draco didn't have. The power over all of his senses. Harry closed his eyes. It felt great since he hadn't blinked since he had woken up. He's cool like that. Anyway, he used the rest of his senses to try and find the kitchen. Draco was probably stumbling around right now without being able to see, Harry though smugly. OUCH, that was a wall he just ran into. Harry trudged on, steeling himself for the task ahead. 

His toes felt tile. His green orbs flashed open. He had found the kitchen. Draco's footsteps were right behind him. Harry shoved the refrigerator door open. He scanned the bottles and couldn't believe his luck. Milk.

Harry's hands were shaking as he grabbed the bottle. He reminded himself: he had to do this. The cap clattered to the floor. Harry whipped around. Draco's captivating icy gray eyes were a breath away. (AN: if ur not American that's like 8 centimeters or something idk)

Harry sent a wave of majestic white at Draco's face. 

Draco stumbled back, wiping his eyes and yelling. He probably only had moments more to live. 

"I'm sorry, Draco. Goodbye. I'll pay for your funeral out of pocket," Harry dashed into hall and found a fireplace. The flame was already blazing nicely. Harry threw a handful of powder into the flame and took one last glance behind him. He shoved the rest of the powder down his throat so no one could follow him and stepped into the flame, ready to leave this all behind.

Little did Harry know that that was soy milk. Little did Harry know that you can't kill a lactose intolerant person by throwing milk in their face. Little did Harry know that his adventure was far from over.