Secrets Left Neglected

Chapter 46

Tadhg

I've started to keep a journal. My handwriting isn't the best, and I have a hard time with the paper sometimes. Well, actually, it's more a matter of running out of space. It will have to do, though.

My memory's playing tricks on me and I'm not sure what's going on. I talked to my doctor about it and while I can't remember everything at least with my journal I can go back and re-read what we discussed. Sometimes I have a nurse help me write my notes. This way I know I didn't miss anything.

It would be better if I was aware that there was stuff I was forgetting. The trouble is, I don't always know what I don't know.

I feel very strange about everything the doctors have been telling me. I hear what they're saying but there's a small part of me that wonders if they know what they are talking about.

But, they must, right?

I mean, I have my notes in front of me and I can see that I wrote most of them myself. It's my own handwriting, even if it's pretty sloppy and a little spacey. Darned if I can remember writing this stuff, however. And why can't I remember?

It's so weird to see something written in your own hand and have no recollection of having written it.

A clanging sounds down the hall and I hear my friend Jonesy curse. I smile for a second. I wonder what was on the tray. Is it lunchtime already? Is he-

Wait. I'm doing it again.

On top of the neglect, the memory issues, and the seizures, I'm also having problems concentrating. I try to stay on topic but after a while my mind just wanders off on its own. The tiniest little thing distracts me and I completely lose my train of thought or even interest in what's going on.

But, I need to focus.

Focus. Focus. Focus.

I look down at my notes and try to get back to my thoughts again.

I awkwardly grab a red pen from the table and write myself a note at the top of the next blank page. Since I'm using a spiral notebook, I use my right hand to go from the right side of the copybook over to my left. I have a hard time with this part.

To me, it looks like my copybook is just a white page with no spine. By using a spiral notebook, however, I don't have to trust my vision. The spirals are on the left. With the TBI condition I have, I don't usually see the spirals anymore. If I place my fingers on the right corner of the paper I'm writing on and then slowly trace backwards across the top of the page, however, I can keep going until I hit the spirals. This way, once I feel the spirals, I know I'm all the way over to the left-hand side of the page. Then I can write.

"Focus! Remember to focus!" I print out slowly.

When I'm finished, I lay back and look at my words. Then I put the cap back on the pen and place it over on the table next to my bed. I take a deep breath and start to glance back towards the journal.

A nurse walks by my room and I lift my head to watch her go by with an IV machine. When she's gone I turn back towards the journal on my lap and look down at it. I can see "to focus!" written at the top of my book. I frown.

Wait, didn't I write more? I thought-

"Good afternoon, Mr. MacCrithein," Nurse Halo says cheerfully as she enters the room. She hands me a small, white paper cup with some pills in it. "Your anti-seizure medication, sir." Then she hands me a cup of water she pours from my pitcher on the table.

"Oh," I mumble. "Ok, thanks."

I toss the cup and the pills back and chase them down with the water. I crush the pill cup in my hand and hand it and the cup of half-drank water back to the nurse. "Thank you."

"What'cha writing today?" she asks kindly, looking down at my book. "Oh, that's a good idea."

I look up at her curiously and she smiles. "You wrote yourself a note; 'Focus! Remember to focus!' Good idea."

I look back at the journal and frown. The only part I can see is "to focus!" If the nurse sees more words, however, perhaps I'm missing something. I close my eyes and try to hear Dr. Saltzman's words; 'With Neglect you may not be seeing everything. Try to turn your head a little further to the left and see if that helps.'

I look again at the journal turning my head when finally more words appear in my peripheral vision. Ah-hah! There they are; "Focus! Remember to focus!"

So strange.

It reminds me of the tests I took earlier this month.

Dr. Saltzman took me into this room and we sat at a small table together to work on them. First I drew a clock. It looked ok to me. I didn't see anything wrong with it. Until Dr. Saltzman pointed out that I had drawn all twelve of the numbers on only the right side of the watch face.

Then Dr. Saltzman gave me a form that had a bunch of horizontal lines on it. He asked me to put a vertical line through all of them. It seemed like an easy task. It only took me a few seconds. I felt good because I thought I did well. But then Dr. Saltzman turned the paper upside down and all of a sudden I realized that I had missed many lines. It was like he had handed me a brand new form, but it wasn't. It was the same one I'd already been working on.

Finally, Dr. Saltzman asked me to draw a map outlining the walk from my house to the I-S club. It's not much of a distance. Again, I thought I did well. I had drawn all the stores and trees and such along the way. When Dr. Saltzman asked me if I was done I even nodded my head and smiled.

Then Dr. Saltzman turned my paper upside down and asked me to think about taking the same trip, only this time, he wanted me to go home from the I-S club. I had to draw all the things along my route again. As I did, I realized there were a number of landmarks that I didn't include in my original map so I added them.

In the end, Dr. Saltzman showed me how my brain was remembering only the right side of things. Even if I knew there were landmarks on both sides of my route, in remembering them, I only accounted for the objects on my right. It was only by retracing my route backwards that I could pull into conscious the items I forgot the first time. And, the only reason I could put them down the second time, was because by going backwards, everything that used to be on my left in my memory was now on my right in my memory, making them conscious to me again.

It's enough to make your head spin. Trying to explain it to others is a complicated problem for me, too, because in addition to having Neglect, I am also mostly unaware of my condition. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm not seeing everything around me, even though it looks like I am.

I use my right hand to touch my right shoulder. I slowly move my right hand across my chest until I feel my left shoulder. I frown again.

Even weirder than not seeing the left side of things is not fully feeling your own body. I run my right hand down my left arm and close my eyes. I feel the bones in my left wrist with my right hand and lightly circle them with my fingers. I bring my right hand around my left wrist and then let my right hand travel to my left hand fingers. Then I grab hold of my left hand and move it to the spirals of my notebook. I use the fingers of my right hand to move the fingers of my left hand around the spirals. I keep my eyes closed and work on just feeling the cold metal against the pads of my left fingers.

Such a strange phenomenon. As the spirals continue under my fingers, I let my mind drift in the sensation. I must doze off because the sound of someone's nearby heart monitor beeping startles me awake and I jerk.

I look down at the notebook on my lap. I see the words, "to focus!" on the page and frown. Sighing, I start the process of trying to see what I wrote again. 

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Resource for the YouTube video above:

Title: Therapy Session for Left Neglect.mov

By: DebbieBracy

Published On: November 14, 2012