lobotomy ; gawsten

iii

this is kinda long and very heavy i'm sorry lmao

trigger warnings - anxiety, panic attacks, suicide, abuse, and mentions of self-harm

The pain is getting worse.

His leg feels like it's on fire, like thousands of tiny sparks have collected inside his thigh and are now exploding all at once, bursting up to the surface and releasing all the energy contained within them. It stings at first, burns through every layer of skin and bone until he can't feel anything else. He can't concentrate on anything else. It hurts. It feels like he's constantly holding his breath against the agony. It hurts so bad.

The longer we wait, the more it's gonna hurt. We're trying to get you into an operating room as soon as possible, but for now, you just gotta push through, okay? It'll stop hurting soon.

The doctor seemed nice. He could tell she was stressed, eyes wide with panic, makeup starting to run a little around her eyes, trying to talk him through what was about to happen amongst the serene ambiance of her beeping pager and interns running in to tell her another patient was crashing.

If he'd just died, her life would be easier.

If he'd just died, none of this would be happening.

If he'd just died-

"How're you holding up, kid?"

He shrugs, shifts against the pillows and has to bite on his tongue at the newly activated ache in his abdomen. Every movement wakes up the bugs, stokes the fire, respawns the pain plants that have only just began to wilt and fade away. "Fine."

"You're really not, though, are you?" Lucas glances up to meet his gaze, and leans forward to rest a hand on the side of the bed.

"Well, what else do you want me to say?" He mutters. "My body's fucked up and I still wish I was dead?"

Lucas sighs, straightens and takes the couple steps over to rest a hand on his shoulder. "We'll talk about that later, when you're more up to it, but for now...I don't think anyone's told you yet, but since you're still a minor, we had to call your parents, and they're on their-"

"You jumped off a fucking roof?"

"-way."

no.

no.

fuck.

He can't move.

Everything is happening all at once. He can't process any of it. The world is moving too fast and he doesn't know what's happening he's hot and then cold and it feels like his entire body has turned to ice and he's floating somewhere separate, watching everything happen but not registering any of it, not being able to feel it attack him.

What the fuck why are they here why did they have to fucking call them they're not supposed to be here they were never supposed to find out they wouldn't fucking care anyway please nononono-

It's cold and then hot and it keeps changing and he doesn't know why his body can't regulate anything everything is falling it's past the point of collapse and his hands are shaking everything is moving it's not stopping it's blurry and dark and going too fast and it won't stop please no get me out of here I can't do this fuckfuckfuck-

"I'll give you guys some privacy." Lucas' voice sounds so far away. It's like he's underwater. He's sinking deeper and the waves are getting stronger no please please don't leave they won't hurt me if you're here please- "I'll be right outside, Awsten, okay?"