Red Spider Lily

How do you feel as if your everything you have keeps getting lost?

Everything you have in your hands always disappears.

Anything you obtain will be lost.

My mind has become tired of this endless suffering as I continue to endure this pain of being left behind. Its a shame that no one sees it. No one noticed it. No one understands it. That's why I keep my agonies to myself. What's the point of letting someone understand you when they will never try to help you?

My suffering will remain unheard of as if a demon who have human emotions gets killed by unknown reasons.

Just like Dazai Osamu's words; Anything I would never want to lose will be lost the moment I obtain. There's nothing worth pursuing at the cost of prolonging a life of suffering.

But both sides are the same. I feel lonely when I don't have anything. I feel lonely when I stay away but the fears overwhelms as it has been done dozens of times.

I don't like to suffer from this loneliness but they will continue to haunt me until I do or to let me resort to a last solution: suicide.

Humans tend to think for themselves as if predicting thats what others needed but those are just selfless and ignorant comments, an excuse to never get involved with troublesome situations that will ruin their happy lives.

I want to cry but there are no more tears left. I want to slice my wrist but my fear of blood prevents it.

The thought of dying has always occured to me dozens of times every seconds, minutes and hours but the thought of blood and suffering before death—no thanks.

What could there other methods to end this life? What will Dazai Osamu do again in this situation? He who once saw the dirt in humanity and ended his own life as he is tired interacting with them?

To create your own happiness is what they said but what is happiness? Happiness can be obtain by doing something you like. My fear is interacting with humans as they will disappear from me but I feel lonely. I like doing my hobbies but the result will only be that I am a person on an island with no one else. Is happiness means to me that I will accept this loneliness because of my fear to interact with humans that they will eventually disappear?

I hated myself dozens of times for hoping because that will be my cause of death someday. Countless hope. Countless despair. I cannot think how long will this reality cycle will continue and others will just say it is part of life.

I do not know myself.

I do not what I want.

It is simply but confusion yet painful at the same time.

If you are afraid; my experience as a non-human is to simply let go as humans are tend to be that way.

They are too oblivious to their surroundings, not even a thought crossed their minds how others are feeling.

Being with circle of friends can bring danger to the person who is recovering. They still have fear that can cloud their minds yet what to try. Trust the people they are currently with but that did not happen.

It simply that you are sad. Saddened that your cycle of pain repeated but one thing they will never understand is that twisted side of yours that grew up with your sadness. That pain can bring about a twisted mind and have a painful desire to do something, such is unspoken of.

How did Dazai survive just by himself? He an author filled with suicidal thoughts, sorrow, pain, despair and loneliness as if a child who is trapped in the darkness but no one likes to get him out.

What I hated the most was force. I hate people forcing themselves to pretend they are happy by my side. Forcing myself to smile when I badly wanted to die. Forcing to pretend as everyone around me filled with smiles as if mocking and making fun of me for being the misreable being.

But in the end, they all left. Tired of to the troublesome child.

One wish this child seek.

Death.

To end everything.

To end her sufferings from this cruel and beautiful world.

To see the red spider lilies grow from her grave.

Have I been a good human being? Have I done something bad that the heavens are punishing me? Are my actions every seconds and minutes makes trouble for everyone? Are they talking about me behind my back about what I did wrong? Do I deserve to be with them? Do I deserve to exist? Do I deserve to live the way I want to? Do I deserve to live to continue this pain as I pretend I am okay because after my death everyone will judge that I cannot accept reality's cycle? Do I have to keep smiling when I wanted to continue stabbing my hand and wrist until I no longer feel anything?

I said I will move on but the pain kept following me. I wanted to restart but the repeat keeps repeating. I can only see them from afar as I continue to drown to the bottom of the sea, my breath continues to leave me behind like everyone else.

This child is jealous. She who once has friends. Yet treated like an extra as they just pretend they like her. This child wants to seek the truth. This child wants to feel how death feels like.

This child wanted to die now.

To be a permanent ghost that just watches everyone as they continue on like nothing happened.

Being a ghost might not be that bad.

It didn't matter whether she goes to heaven hell or porgatory. What was the point in worrying which sides will be chosen for her? She never had a free will to begin with as she lets everyone decides for her because others will be unsatisfied that they didn't have theirs.

Death was the only solution she ever thought.

Nothing less and more.

How does it feel like?

The moment you feel your heartbeats gets slower and slower?

What your eyes will first see once it closes to the living.

The moment you draw your last breath.

The moment you finally choose something youwanted for the first time.

Perhaps that will be the happiest day.

It is very boring isn't it?

This pitiful child's life.

That makes you want to separate from her.

And never get involved.