Painted Blue (JOOKYUN✔️)

bring

Dear Jooheon,

I wonder if I asked you now if you loved me still, what you would say. Two years ago... Two weeks ago...

Two days ago; I know the answer could not have been yes two days ago. I wonder if even after yesterday, last night, or the hours that followed into the early morning of now...

Would you tell me yes? I can't believe you ever would. Not after the disgusting truth of what I am hit your ears. Not after you saw me like that. I could feel every emotion seep off you in waves; I know how you feel.

I felt that way too when I first saw myself like that. Starved for life, determined to take it, paying not a single mind to those I hurt. You.

You saved me five years ago when you held my hand in greeting. A soft touch like feathers against my skin, and I came alive for the first time. Under just a touch I was breathing. I was living. I didn't know you, and you knew nothing of me but my name, but there I was stood still yet racing.

You were warm. You were red, warm, and so loud. So loud that it hurt to speak too long. My throat ran raw from the harsh breaths and the shouts. My lungs were tired from chasing after you. My hands were always warm, always in yours.

But before that, and after that, I'm this. I'm this disgusting thing that doesn't deserve you. I create so much chaos every way I glance. One nod to my left and a sudden collapse. One twist to my right and I'm lost. If I turn just too quickly, the tsunami crashes down and wipes away everything to create a new blank sheet.

I never wanted you to be a blank sheet.

I wanted us to be painted on your canvas forever. In all our favorite colors. In every shade of blue. Every whisper of a shadow and laugh of light. Everything in your eyes and mine together, from white to color. Blue and blue darker, and then darker still. Not from pain or tears. From beauty.

Every sight we caught, every crash we witnessed, every passionate moment that slipped through our fingers. I want it back. Right now with you. I want you. I shouldn't be here filling a page with words that don't mean anything unless you're reading them. I should be in your arms.

I'm dead again. You left, and nothing will ever be warm here. The color is washed out, and I'm freezing.

I'm sorry. But please... Bring back the colors and paint me in blue.