Introducing (ME)ntal

First Break/ Realization

Towards the end of 5th grade. I gradually started to realize how I felt about myself, and what people thought of me. Internally, I would not realize until later on, that me talking to myself at times. Also hearing things/thinking things that at my age that wasn't normal. After leaving elementary school, the summer that followed was overall pleasant. Spending time with my family, and just having a great summer. This would be the last good summer for a while.
Fast forward to the first day of middle school. The amount of new people in my class was overwhelming. One of the first feelings of anxiety occurs, thankfully later on I would be comfortable with the majority of the kids in my class. I was also lucky to have some kids I knew from elementary in my class.  Some of these people, and my interactions with them helped me get through days in middle school where I thought I would not make it through.  Though majority of these people I never discussed with my mental health.  It was a time when people, were just beginning to speak out about mental health. I found it hard to admit that things were becoming increasingly difficult. The day it came to light, I was not really expecting the reaction. The school counselor was doing a lesson on bullying or something along those lines. Then a question was asked if anyone has ever been depressed, I raised my hand. I was pulled aside by the counselor, and I admitted that had been engaging in mild self-harm, as well as feeling anxious and depressed. I had not said anything about the psychotic symptoms I was having, it came about later on in the emergency room during my first ever psychiatric evaluation. My discussion with my guidance counselor, and the counselor from the group, prompted them to call my mother. In which entailed them having my mom come to the school, discuss what I had told them, and told her to take me to the ER to the CPEP (Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation Program) which was within the emergency department. At this point I was quite anxious, not only because I was anxious on a regular, but also because I did not know what to expect.  I ended up spending several hours in the department.  I had to stay in the same room, the section of the psych emergency area was very small.  There was a bathroom that was ultimately made to be safe for the patients in the area.  There was also two rooms, with a hospital bed in each.  Most of the time those rooms for the patients who were being sent to inpatient.  The first time around I avoided being sent to a inpatient facility.  At this point I had been there for a few hours.  I had been in the room without a bed in it.  Eventually I met the psychiatrist who would be doing my evaluation. The questions asked were very new to me, the words that came out of my mouth in some aspects surprised me. I guessed being formally questioned, made me say things I was very scared and embarrassed to admit. I discussed how my emotions affected how I functioned. As well as how it played part in how I got to this point.  The one thing that I did not address, was the psychosis I had been experiencing.  That ended up being addressed later on.  The outcome of the evaluation ended with me being discharged home, and being referred to my first therapist.  This was the start of a long and difficult journey through my mental state.