an epic saga

where's doctor varty when i need him the most

"Holy shiiiiiiiiiiiiit," I gasped, sitting up straight. My lungs sucked air in quicker than I could make any good of it, resulting in a minor coughing fit. Eyes watering and vision blurry, body bruised and burnt, lacerations covering my arms and legs, I gazed around my body in horror at the--

Completely normal landscape. That was. Not, right?

The sky was the pure amber that I'd caught glimpses of throught the industrial-grade smoke blowing everywhere when I stepped through the portal with Alex. I'd thought it was because the whole world was burning, but apparently that was the normal, regular, not apocalyptic colour of the sky here.

It was normal. There was a slight breeze tousling the duck egg grass, and dark clouds hung low on the horizon, but otherwise? Nada. Ixnay on the isasterday. Houston, we did not have a problem.

We- There was a full on god tier battle raging only minutes ago?? Everyone literally got obliterated? The grass had been scorched and shredded, pools of mud in place of the smooth, blueish turf that currently reached in every direction.

No one survived. I'm, I was sure. Everyone had died, I'd seen it. Ecillana, and Louise, I watched them both get blown away on the fucking wind. Alex had been near me and I'd heard him cry out, and-

Why was I alive?

Maybe I wasn't. Maybe the afterlife, whatever it was, just placed you back in the place you'd died, but a perfect version. Maybe that was it?

Did heaven and hell still apply? Which one was this? I thought back on my life, short as it had been, relatively. I hadn't been great, but it wasn't like I killed anyone (the guy in Mexico doesn't count). I couldn't remember if you had to be perfect or not to get into heaven. Or if being an idiot actually had anything to do with it.

Should've paid more attention in Sunday school, I thought, struggling to stand. Every single bone in my body stabbed me at once and I almost fell back to the floor.

My shoes were scuffed and amazingly not as dirty as they'd been before. The laces on one were undone and I bent to tie them, but my back decided to be a dick and shove burning coals under my skin so I stood up again, wincing, and left it. My t-shirt was torn and my jeans had mud on them.

You'd think getting dusted wouldn't be so messy.

My foot knocked against something, and I made the wise choice to not bend over again, instead kicking it about until I recognised it. It was Yazzy's watch. I'd forgotten about that whole thing. How'd it even get here? The display now showed 00:00:00. Probably not a good sign.

   I walked away, and left it.

- - -

Louise came to, leaning against a rusted, broken sign. The remaining half read "EASE OFF THE ASS".

She didn't move for a good five minutes, trying to comprehend what had happened. She'd been in a tavern, where she'd met... Arthur? Yes. She'd caught up with him after their last rendezvous in Milan. This time had been less violent than the last, which was a nice improvement. Then what?

Heading to... meet... no, fight?... yes, fight... Eci...llana... Ecillana. She'd gone to fight Ecillana. Why? What had gone wrong? Everything had been fine, wonderful even, a few weeks ago.

Their honeymoon... maybe it was something then?

No, that had been perfect too...

Oh. Oh yeah. Her reign of tyranny. That had put a bit of a strain on their relationship. Something about multiple impulsive acts of genocide just rubbed Louise the wrong way, and Ecillana had made a bit of a hobby out of those.