Found

Chapter 21

Lapis was piling their things into the car, while Peri had gone to the front desk to make the payment. As she was talking with the clerk, she was informed that her mom had paid for their stay, using one of the many vouchers they had for coming so regularly. 

" I forgot we even had those things." Peri said as she walked away, waving her goodbyes and going to meet Lapis. She pulled out her phone, texting Garnet that they would be back home soon, and that she should get Pearl and Amethyst  to come as well. It was nothing bad, Peri made sure to send after it, not trying to make Garnet worry. Lapis smiled at Peri when she came out, having finished putting up most of their bags in the car. Peri came by, hugging her and finishing up the rest of the bags. Lapis sat in the passenger seat, and shortly after was joined in the car by Peri. 

" So it turns out that my mom took care of the fee with a voucher that we have. I guess everything really is going to work out like we talked about last night." Peridot said, satisfied at this. She plugged her phone into the car and started some music, waving at the staff one last time before driving  off and heading to the main high way once more. Lapis was listening to the music playing, until one of them came on that made her stop bobbing her head to the beat. The longer Lapis listened to the song, the more she teared up and cried. She began to shake and pulled her legs up to her chest. Peridot noticed this, pulling over immediately and freaking out. By now Lapis was losing her mind, crying out holding herself in a small tight ball. Peridot had no idea how to help. So she unbuckled herself and leaned over grabbing Lapis.

" Turn it off..! The song! Change it, turn it off! Please!" Lapis begged, apparently coming to a bit once Peri touched her. Peri grabbed and skipped that song, tapping the skip button hurriedly, and tossing her phone in her chair.

" What do I do now? What's wrong? Did I do something?Why.. I-its ok. I'm right here!" Peri said panicking. After quick thinking, Peri thought it was wise to just stay quiet till whatever this was passed. Lapis still shook uncontrollably sniffling and still crying. But it was calmer now, she didn't thrash about or move to much now. Her body became limp in leaned more into Peri's arms. The way they held each other was awkward and uncomfortable with the center console in between them, but neither moved. It seemed like an hour had passed before Lapis's body was completely relaxed, and her tears falling at a minimum. Peri looked up, part of her cheek and most of her shoulder drenched with tears. She still stayed quiet, gently using her thumb to wipe at her eyes. Lapis breathed in, a blank stare in her blue eyes as she looked out the window.

" It just happens.. ya know? When you grow up, your heart just dies."

" What do you mean? Of course it dies. That's natural."

"But is it natural for someone to build up and eventually help kill your heart? To spend all your time with that person, thinking of that person, wishing you could be with that person. Hating the time apart, even if it was just for a few minutes or hours. Trusting that person with your most vulnerable secrets. Hoping that person would be there for you like you are for them. Fighting in their corner, hell even fighting some of their battles for them when they thought they were too weak. Makes no sense when you used them as strength, but the more you paid attention, you were the one with all the power. Making the moves to see each other, setting up dates and times, being aware of mood swings. How the fuck can you love someone so much, that doesn't love you? Its like hating yourself twice, yet you are too blind because its still a pair of arms that aren't yours holding you. Still a body pressed against yours in the dead of night. Why did I stay so long. What kind of masochist am I? I must love pain. Pathetic really.." Lapis suddenly rambled on, leaving Peri clueless, afraid and tearing up as well. 

" I don't know what you are talking about. But I think about that with you all the time." Peri choked back, trying to fight back tears and speak clearly, her mouth struggling to frown. Lapis looked up partially, her hair in her face somewhat as she tried her best to see Peri's face with as little movement as possible.

" I don't know if I am good enough for you, nor do I feel like am. Part of me feels like a play thing or whatever. But every other part screams that isn't true. I love being near you, being in your embrace. I hate seeing you walk away, even though I know you aren't going far. I was getting jealous from the looks you got from the staff. My heart broke, or died more, however you wanna put it. I can't stand that I am not experienced in taking care of others because I have looked out for myself for so long now. I have no idea what to do here, or say to you right now. I don't even know if I should ask or just keep quiet and listen." Peri said, most of what she said muffled, after she buried her face in Lapis's shoulder. Lapis shifted herself, leaning herself against Peri more. she tapped around for her hand, eventually finding it and holding onto it, ignoring how wet her hand currently was. She took a deep breath, listening to Peri softly weep on her, using her other hand to wipe at her eyes. 

" That song that came on, used to be a song me and a ex listened to alot. The song was our crutch. We used it for everything. It never got old to us. And now, hearing it triggers feelings in me that I thought were suppressed. But I guess not. Seems what our relationship was at one point still bothers me and kills me to this day. I know its not good to talk about this in a new relationship, but this is me.. The real non-cool me." 

"Hic.. I read.. that its better to talk about everything in a relationship, new or not, to help make a better understanding for both the people in it. I researched this awhile back. I'm just not the best.. at using what I learned." Peri said in between sniffling. Lapis nodded, knowing she was the same way, more tears starting to stain her cheeks once again,  thoughts of her past ex, and those thoughts flooding and making her mind race to futures with Peri. Wondering if something similar would happen again. Soon Lapis banished the thoughts, knowing Peri was too innocent to do something remotely close to her ex. Now it was just a matter of making Peri aware of what happened before. And Lapis wasn't sure if she was ready to say something about it now in a car on the side of the road. She said nothing, but continued to hold and sniffle with Peri, just wanting all of this to pass by. Now she wanted to be back home, and around the others. Maybe they could help with whatever they had going on.

" Everything will work out." She said softly, closing her eyes, and feeling Peri calming down a bit finally.