for the boy i had to let go

four

i had all and then most of you/some and now none of you/take me back to the night we met/i don't know what i'm supposed to do/haunted by the ghost of you

i'm missing you a lot today.

it's strange to come to the conclusion that i haven't really grieved the loss of you. and it's strange to come to that conclusion while watching a show on netflix.

it's strange that all i needed was for someone else to grieve the loss of their love on the screen in front of me for me to really see what is happening within me.

i haven't grieved the loss of you. not really. i tell myself i have.

and i don't know if i have grieved and i'm just telling myself this because i feel like i've been hurting for too long, or if i haven't grieved you and this is just all coming in waves and it's overwhelming me.

i just know it hurts.

i miss you. more than i ever thought was capable of myself. but my god it hurts.

i really don't know what to do with myself. and it sounds stupid to say that. it sounds cliché. but it's true.

i don't know what to do with you not around.

i wish i could've done things differently.

i wish i didn't push you away.

i miss you. too much for words to describe. too much for the tears in my eyes to show. too much.

i miss you.

i love you. still. after it all.

i love you. i'm sorry.